Since the age of 18, after my first chance to get out and explore life on my own, I have known I’m a dichotomy of a person.

I want a life that bounces (balances) back and forth between luxury and living off the land. I want to be a wanderer who, every once in a while, hops on a first class flight, has a glass of red wine, puts on pearls and lands in some audacious foreign country to mingle with the matriarchs.

I want hiking boots, tents and kayaks, and Choos, Chanel and Cabernet.

How does one want both extremes, much less have both?

I love nature. I grew up in the country (cows, chickens and corn fields, oh my!) and love it still. At the same time, I couldn’t wait to leave, grow and fly far, far away.

Then I came home. Then left again. Rinse and repeat.

I’ve always bounced back and forth with my dreams—a big white farmhouse to remodel with my own hands and space to grow a garden, then a loft downtown to be nearest the action and hubbub. I have tried both. I have loved both. I used to think I had to choose, but with time, after bouncing and struggling between the two, I came into my own and came to terms with who I am. Now I know I want to be a citizen of both worlds and visit both regularly. And that’s okay.

As one of my favorite movies states, I often wondered if one “can have roots and wings.” In my soul, I know you can, but I’ve always questioned how to make that happen.

How to get society to accept me, and make friends on both sides of the proverbial fence who will be there for me when I am there with (and for) them, who are understanding and—what’s more—supportive of my bipartisan world and life. I want connections with people who know and love me so deeply, they are able to tell me when it’s time for me to swing back to the other side of my life. They’d say things like, “KB, I love you, and I feel your need for nature; it’s time for you to go touch trees.” Or “KB, I love you, and you’re restless. Time to find a new adventure, see a new city, light up a new town.”

Of course, I’m a normal human in that I crave connection.

I am a lover of souls, a healer of hearts. And I’m here to tell you, connection is a gift. I believe that no matter who you are, what you want, what choices you make, no matter what, there are others like you. You are never alone. This planet is full of others. And amongst them, others who love you even if they don’t know you.

So there must be others who understand my wanderlusting, my desire to live 100 lives all packed into one. I can no sooner choose a side of myself to settle on forever than I can choose a favorite food. I love it all. I love myself—my complicated, never-satisfied, always-seeking self. I love the fact that I am just as comfortable in a long silk gown as I am in a business suit or in mud up to my elbows.

This is me. I am complex, a hot mess, and I have learned to love it all. That took some time and effort, but I’m there. And I’m thankful for my opportunities thus far to cross and blur lines, to live without bounds.

Still, I want more.

Life is made for living. And we only get one chance in this body, this particular existence. But I don’t believe for a second that means you can live only one life.

Let me explain. A “life,” to me, is something that we aspire to be “when we grow up.” That could be any number of things: a homeowner, a partner, a parent, a farmer, a student, a teacher, a traveler, a leader. I don’t think we have to choose any certain number of those things to be, or any one of those lives to live.

Why can’t we (don’t we) choose all of the above, if we so desire?

Again, we only get one chance in this body on this planet to live and create an existence we love. Why limit ourselves? Why not be a fashionista one day, a barista the next, then a volunteer, and a mountaineer after that? Heck, why not be all at the same time? Who says we have to choose?

That we need to choose one life is an illusion. Or maybe a delusion. We don’t have to choose one thing to be. That’s the misconception we’re born believing. The only choice we have to make is the one we impose on ourselves, the one we let society impose upon us—or, the only real one: the choice of what to do next.

Notice, I said “next.” Not what to do, period. Let’s talk punctuation for a second. There’s an ellipsis at the end of all of my questions to myself when trying to decide what to do with my life, which implies that it’s not an end-all-be-all question—or answer.

What shall I do now…? What do I want to do… for now? The “for now” may never make it into my verbalized plans, but it’s always there. Whether I want or plan it to be or not.

See, my friends, life is temporary. Every aspect of life is temporary. It all comes and goes. Ebbs and flows. It’s easy, then it’s hard; it loves, then hates; it grows, then withers. So why not expect and take those cycles with ease and even hope? Why not take each end as an opportunity to begin anew? And differently, if you desire change.

If you’re happy living one path in your life, do that, with vigor and passion!

But if you crave something else, go get it. You’re alive. Finish the phase you’re in, feel it, be thankful for it, then choose and chase the next dream.

I see so many articles that tell you to think about what you really, really want out of life. Well, that’s wonderful. Do so. But I challenge you to also think about your life in steps. What do you want or need to do next to get you to the step after that?

Life comes in series. In waves. We choose; we live; things change.

If you need to reevaluate and decide at that point if you are still where you need to be, do it! It’s not too late. What is your next goal? There is always a next goal, and I assure you, it will get you to your “purpose” along the way.

Life is funny like that. Your choices lead your life, not the other way around. Don’t let your life lead your choices.

Are you where you want to be right now? What choices did you make along the way to get you to where you are? I promise you, we have some level of control over our lives, and your freedom to choose helped to get you to where you are. We all make our choices.

But life is about choices. Hopefully your next is wiser than your last. But even that won’t be your last, and that’s the beauty of it all. The beauty of life lies in our power to choose. Over and over again.

The joy lies in the journey.

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Author: Kristen Bagwill

Editor: Toby Israel

Images: Vladimir Kudinov/Unsplash // Roksolana Zasiadko/Unsplash

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