The small talk has got to stop.

Stop talking about the weather.

Stop “shooting the breeze.”

It doesn’t do anyone any good.

Sure, there’s no harm in it, but that type of mental drivel is exhausting, and doesn’t aid us at all in getting to know someone. It only helps us to see a superficial nugget, a polite, politically correct, edited version of who they are (if we get any sense of their personality at all). It’s the opposite of mindful—the opposite of real.

How many times have we heard or had exchanges like the following:

“How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“I’m good, thanks. How about that [insert weather pattern, sports team, or current event here]?”

I’d rather spoon my eyeballs out than participate in that mindlessness. No, it won’t kill me to be polite, but we’ll never get those two minutes of our lives back, and neither one of us got anything real from it. That kind of conversation reminds me why I tend toward introversion. It’s almost painful.

Yes, I’m being dramatic, but I’m painting a pretty vivid picture here of how pointless these conversations can be.

How many times have you asked someone how they are without actually expecting a real answer or even stopping to hear the response? Often? Me too. That’s my point exactly.

We’re undermining each other every time we ask inane questions and don’t listen to responses. And eye contact? That’s a whole ‘nother ballgame, one that gets played far too infrequently. When we small talk without eye contact, we’re bypassing—or even avoiding—our common ground of realness, our humanity. We’re letting ourselves play small and be insignificant, which is to undervalue the impact each of us has on this planet.

I adore deep conversations. I love it when someone has the courage to get vulnerable and real with me. When they show me their soul, I share mine in return. It’s a beautiful, often unforgettable, exchange, different from the norm above.

Small talk will always have its time and place, but let’s stop letting each other play small. When someone gives a vague, superficial response, ask questions. Carry on a real conversation; listen and learn.

Something I’ve learned over and over again from my partner: when I say I’m good, he doesn’t allow it. He cares enough and knows my vastness enough to press me for more descriptive (and real) answers. His questions make me think; my answers commit me to this adventure called life. He reminds me to slow down and open up.

So maybe the next time someone says they’re doing “well,” we can look them in the face and say, “How are you really? What’s been the bright spot in your day?” Don’t let them off the hook, and expect the same in return.

They’re human, too. They’re real.

They have passions and purpose and all those wonderful non-superficial things about them. I’d rather know those parts than which sports team they’re rooting for. There’s more to them than one-word answers will ever tell me.

Let’s stop bullsh*tting each other. Let’s get real and messy and build relationships on solid, caring foundations of mutual trust, respect and humble humanity.

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Relephant Read:

Smalltalk: I Can’t do it Anymore.

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Author: Kristen Bagwill

Editor: Toby Israel

Image: Rick&Brenda Beerhorst/Flickr

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