“Anyone who is observant, who discovers the person they have always dreamed of, knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn’t sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Good sex is not just about the physical act of having it. It’s the dance that happens before, during and after.

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There is something magical, intoxicating and downright sexy about the build up before going to bed with someone. If the encounter is going to be wildly passionate and truly intimate, then the dance of getting close to each other through deep, intimate conversations, suggestive flirting, and long, lingering make-out sessions that hint at what’s to come, is key.

Sometimes we give ourselves away to someone a little too quickly and prematurely. Although we are in a much more liberal and free-spirited time where “hooking up” is the norm and more people than ever don’t actually wait to jump into bed with someone, there is something really special we’re missing out on by doing this.

We miss out on the erotic build up.

We don’t get to experience the delicious anticipation of going part way, but not all the way there. We don’t get to lazily lay in bed on a Sunday morning and fantasize about what the actual experience of making love to the person might be like based on the physical intimacy we’ve already shared with them so far.

We also miss out on taking the time to build trust, emotional intimacy and real comfort with each other first, which is often one of the key ingredients to having amazing sex together. Instead we listen to our body’s physical needs and desires first. We allow ourselves to indulge in sleeping with someone in a heated frenzy of reckless abandon because in the moment it just feels so damn good and absolutely right in that moment—

—Until the days following the encounter when it doesn’t feel quite so good as it did that night because we don’t know where we stand with the person and we haven’t yet taken the time to have that conversation. And we often find ourselves feeling like maybe we should have waited just a little longer to build up that trust.

Being intimate can add a whole new dimension to the relationship, whether it’s a new one or one that’s been cooking for a while. And sometimes adding sex into the mix too early can muddy something that was awesomely simple and carefree before.

I’m not at all suggesting that two consenting adults who are all in with having a no-strings attached, purely sexual relationship with each other can’t have mind-blowing sex without that emotional connection and trust first. This arrangement works for a lot of people and is mutually satisfying and fulfilling for both partners.

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What I’m suggesting is that if we are wanting a little more—a feeling of comfort, a deeper connection with the person built on trust and real intimacy that comes from taking the time to get to know each other outside the bedroom, then building on the sexual energy between the two of you is something that can be almost as satisfying as the sexual act itself.

Some of the most steamy and intense sexual encounters are the ones that happen in a public place, clothes on, while the two of you are talking about what you want to do to each other, but haven’t yet allowed to happen. They are the ones that happen as you longingly stare at each other in a meeting, both knowing what the other is thinking but not speaking it from your lips.

Or the ones that happen when you are alone together laying on the floor, partially clothed, exploring the sweet spots you’ve just discovered turn your partner on, without actually engaging in intercourse itself and leaving that for a future encounter.

That’s the making of some really powerful intimacy. And what some of the best, most memorable, and incredibly erotic sexual encounters are made of.

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