You don’t have to search too hard on elephant journal  to find an article from a woman declaring to the world what she wants in a man.

Women, generally speaking, are quite aware of what they need in a relationship. While it means something different for every one of us, we could probably trace it back to safety and security in one form or another.

Men, on the other hand, don’t seem to be as clear on what it is they want or need in relationship. They often tell you what they like or don’t like but—ask them what they need from you and you’ll probably get a perplexed look, stone cold silence or my personal favourite, the “I don’t know.”

I’m learning not to expect men to communicate in the same way that I do, as a woman. I’m learning to have a deeper understanding for the differences between the way we’re wired. Sometimes I fail at it and get frustrated, other times I manage compassion and give myself an internal high five.

Relationships are a feeding ground for personal growth. If we take the time to observe them from a distance, observe our own reactions and actions within them, we have the opportunity to learn so much about ourselves.

I am currently sitting in the uncomfortable position of observing some of my own behaviour within relationship—and not everything I’m finding is pretty. I see more fear than I care to admit, less bravery–a greater capacity to shut my heart and walk away simply because it’s easier than fully showing up in the face of uncertainty.

As I talked these uncomfortable realisations out with my housemate this morning, she led me to this video.

Generally speaking I would ignore any video, article or leaflet professing to sell me the secrets of what men want. It stinks of salesy bulls*t. But I am hungry to understand more completely the way men operate. I am hungry to learn more about how we can communicate to build healthy partnerships where both genders respect, value and honour each other’s differences.

This video was enlightening.

Not just because it gave me insight into what men want from women and rarely ask for but because it reflected back to me that the very things I deeply fear to expose to men, are the very things they are most looking for in me. The very things that are unique to the feminine.

This was my first taste of John Wineland and I may have come away with a tiny crush. He was asked to present to a room full of powerful and successful women and wanted to offer something truly valuable to them. So he polled his extended community of men from the men’s groups he is part of asking them what they wanted, what they craved for from women.

Ladies, I hope you find it as illuminating as I did.

Gentlemen, feel free to comment below as to whether this is an accurate representation of your voice.

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Author/Editor: Sarah Kolkka