“Slow down, you are moving too fast.”

If we could just dare utter those words softly, lovingly in the midst of sex play. Learning to do so can result in sex as a whole body, whole life healing experience.

Her breasts were identical. A-cups, but nearly B-cups thanks to holiday pie. But, beautiful as they were—compact, smooth and with small hard nipples that seemed ready and erect—they weren’t hers. By that I mean they didn’t house the sensations that they might. In fact, in spite of extended coaxing, touching, licking, kissing, loving and fondling there was no pleasure for her there.

Thankfully she didn’t fake it. Instead she dared to speak up: “They are numb,” she said. “I never really feel anything there.”

This wasn’t a problem for me. I was thrilled that she dared to say it. And I was instantly challenged. Unfeeling breasts, unlike a stop sign, don’t mean stop then proceed with caution. They are an invitation to dally, to linger as long as it takes until they come alive, awake—a base camp from which to challenge the summit of pleasure when the time is right.

Great sex can’t always be approached directly—it has no ETA or map. More often it is a fortuitous alignment of cosmic and worldly forces taking place as we feel our way patiently and lovingly through each other’s body images, touch chronicles and sexual baggage. 

Under tender touch, caressing and sucking, twice in a half hour, her nipples responded ever so slightly. Tears rolled down here cheeks as she was reminded of memories of men who couldn’t love, but took her anyway as though she was chattel in the gender wars. Too many men are like that, and so many women succumb to their absence of charm, confirming their own undesirability.

Her mammaries held those memories. And the tears were an indication of sensitivity yet to come.

Sensitivity 

Sensitivity is a sure-footed guide on the road to greater pressure. Her breasts indicated a great place for healing, patience and an aware touch.

Where the numbness begins is the frontier, and it can be breasts, points of view, tantrums, obsessions almost anything—but in each of us it is there. It is the place we stopped feeling, stopped growing and settled for so much less than we deserved that we could no longer recognize ourselves as pure pleasure.

Yes, the numbness is the bravest place to start. It’s where the hard past can begin to melt into the possibility of a soft future.

Most lovers reach through the numbness, rushing forward alone. This results in abuse and disconnection. Insensitivity means stop, sensitivity means go.

Healing: knowing when to stop

So, tonight, we will stop with her breasts. Stopping confirms caring. It nurtures an intimate present, which can lead to a deep loving future. Sure, it can be scary, but it’s worth it. It says, “I love you” and, “I want you.” Not just sexually, but I want to share an erotic journey with you, to keep you company as we reach higher pleasures together.

Stopping, holding, thawing and kissing offer her a first sexual, sensual shot at lively breasts, healing and a deepening of full-bodied intimate connection.

When we care enough to stop and then go at our lover’s pace sexual healing begins, nipples rise from the dead, underarms reveal themselves to be fiery pleasure places, longstanding hiding places and refuges fall into friendly, welcoming-arms way out of harms way and enemy fire.

This opening to the soft pace of love affirms her wholeness while at the same time confirming and rewarding a mature lover who has the stamina and caring to undertake a sexual journey together not heading for a climax alone. 

It heals way more than romance and sex. It offers a rainbow of relating: a caring father, a nurturing mother, a boundless lover, son, daughter and a model for all to see, hear and feel what’s possible when sex, and the touching of a nipple, heart or soul is an expression of wholeness.

He is out there

If you already have a lover and he or she doesn’t know enough to stop, or go at your sweet pace, then you get to teach them. It’s worth it to speak up, to tell them what you feel and in the process discover the nuances of sensation all along the way to the greatest pleasure ever.

We are all soldiers for love, in the trenches, between the sheets, during our first morning, or possibly, last night together.

We don’t need to settle for less or reward what we don’t really want. And when we don’t we then discover “the one” looking back at us in the mirror or already standing in front of us. At that point we don’t need an uncaring touch or an abusive one. We deserve to discover the incredible healing sex that the right pace offers.

Yes, there are parts of us that want to be taken hard and fast against our will. That is fine occasionally, but it ignores the numb, broken parts of us that are waiting to offer real pleasure coming to light instead of the shadow parts of ourselves remaining in the dark.

Sexual healing takes the presence to stop at a cold nipple and discover that if that nipple is even the tiniest bit warmer, more supple or softer, then a deep strong foundation for real pleasure is ensured. At that point, when its time, roll over or spoon up and realize that when we gain a little more sensitivity, we are well on our way to ever greater sex, pleasure and intimacy.

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Author: Jerry Stocking

Image: Pixabay

Editor: Travis May