Like most other girls, I grew up on fairytales of finding true love and everlasting happiness.

Popular media has successfully created and sold the perfect vision of “the one” also known as your “soulmate” or your “twin flame.” As little children, we receive the message that we must await love before we can actually begin living our lives.

This is not a pessimistic and bitter warning about how love isn’t really possible. I do believe that love exists, and there is that perfect partner for you—just not in the fashion that you might assume.

“The one” is an idealized myth peddled to the masses for the purpose of making money. The idea of a soulmate or twin flame creates a tremendous amount of unhealthy attachment to a fantasized relationship that isn’t based in reality.

It sets us up for nothing but disappointment due to unmet expectations.

If we consider our search for love from a spiritual perspective, then our relationships serve the purpose of helping us evolve into mature human beings, and experiencing the full spectrum of our emotions.

We enter into all kinds of relationships. Some of them are tumultuous, obsessive, controlling and possessive. They push all our buttons. They’re addictive, hitting the highs and lows of passionate intensity.

These are the kind of relationships we learn the most from due to their illusory and deceptive nature. We believe that we are somehow destined to be with them. People stay stuck in push-pull patterns for years, until one or both partners evolve and realize they must let go. In some cases, people don’t learn—and the pain continues.

On the other hand, some relationships are peaceful and comforting, secure and safe. They have struggles too, but they still work out due to their compatibility. However, just because these relationships are easy, doesn’t mean that they will last. Even if this person is your life partner, that does not mean he or she is your soulmate.

People can have one or more life partners or lovers. Some people divorce; some never marry. This does not mean that something went wrong.

This simply means that one or both people outgrew each other, and were ready for new experiences.

The most important thing to learn when navigating such relationships is being able to identify them and let them go. The reason we struggle with this so much comes down to our fear of death.

Why does dying hurt so much? We believe we do it only once, but actually we do it all the time. We believe death is final, but actually it is ambiguous. We leave or are left by friends, family, partners, places and even things.

Every single second of our lives is a little death of a thought or a feeling. Every time we let go of something we love, we die a little inside. When something comes to an end, the memory we have associated with the experience comes to an abrupt stop without a resolution.

We often seek closure but never really receive it, because there are no clear answers. We are uncomfortable with uncertainty, because it wrests control from our lives and confuses us. It creates an empty space in our continuous stream of consciousness.

A river arches its way around a rock and continues to flow, but its course has been forever altered. So too are we constantly subconsciously influenced by our circumstances.

When we attach expectations to something or someone, we build an imaginary world of our ideal life. Too often the person, place or thing does not live up to our fantasized version, and disappointment ensues.

Amidst the error of misunderstandings and blunder of misread signals, we analyze the reasons the relationship blew up. We cling and hold onto it for days, weeks, even years, trying to understand what we could’ve done differently. We dissect what really happened, and where it all went wrong, yet we do not reach a concrete conclusion.

This is because we do not understand the nature of death. When a relationship fails, it is because it has lived its time. Loss brings to life all that is repressed, the uncomfortable and unconscious parts of ourselves that we must learn to love.

The reason dying hurts so much is because each time it happens, we lose a part of ourselves that we have identified with.

But what if we viewed dying and living as synonymous?

What if we realized that life was not only about being happy, but also about being more conscious?

What if we started loving to become more free rather than more possessive?

What if we started looking at each experience as a means to self-improvement—and ultimately a greater understanding of ourselves?

Death is frightening to everyone because it escapes no one. If we become unafraid of dying, we can learn to see it as liberating rather than restricting. Our reaction to every relationship would then transform such that we can expand and grow into our fullest potential. It is only death that gives us the freedom to move on.

Author: Nikita Mor

Image: Flickr/BagoGames

Editor: Callie Rushton