People have been having sex ever since there were people. They have tried it this way and that, but often couples, after a short time, slip into a routine, a small range of postures, sounds and dance steps that lead to sexual monotony.

Varying how we have sex can fire us up, revive interest and provoke new sensations. It can also feel awkward, giving us that “first time feeling.”

We can visit Victoria’s Secret for sexy nighties, try the reverse, upright camel position or snort cacao out of each other’s belly buttons. But these gaudy variations don’t last, they aren’t sustainable. The crazy tips I’m suggesting may lead to months and years of inspired sex, weight loss, and they will cross over into new horizons everyday while blowing your sensual mind and lighting up your body.

Crazy Sex Tip One: Look Ma, No Hands. 

There was a time as a kid that riding a bike while not holding onto the handlebars was the essence of daring and risk. Now masturbating no handed is the thrill, and the cutting edge of sensuality.

I lay in bed with a persistent erection. I’d drift off then wake up to discover him still standing at attention. Sometime around 3 a.m. it dawned on me that this wasn’t a problem, it was an opportunity.

I was alone, and began moving my body around pondering how to use my time wisely.

Since my early teens I have masturbated with my left hand. It’s almost as if there was a drill sergeant there barking, “left hand up, ready go” and instantly I was off, over hill and dale, through the woods on the race to orgasm. Luckily it isn’t like that anymore.

That very night I tried hands free masturbation. I bumped, I ground, I rubbed and frolicked on the sheets and in the air. I had wild sex with Marley’s ghost, nobody in particular, and the the one who got away—leaving embers of love burning in my heart. All without using my hands once.

I dare you to try no hands masturbation for at least a month, and discover other ways to excite yourself. Your imagination is the only limitation there is. With practice you will find that you can orgasm uniquely and often. Without hands we become very, very creative. Not only can we get the job done, but we are likely to uncover lots of other fun jobs, way beyond orgasm, in the land of sensations.

But don’t just do this solo. With a long time partner, “look ma, no hands” interrupts routines, providing an all new partner for each of you and the vast terrain of faces, toes, tongues and especially skin to explore. I won’t say more, because in a month of no hands you will discover that your own sexual ingenuity and creativity knows no bounds. You may be using your hands to write a blog or book about your own delicious exploits or to feed your sweetie tidbits of fresh, squishy mango between sexual courses.

Crazy Sex Tip Two: No partner, no problem—Sexual Olympics.

Who needs a partner? Not you, not me, not now. Go through a whole 10 or 20 minute, or even longer romp, an over the top sexcapade with only you, choreographed by your body, directed by your soul and with your mind in the cheap seats cheering you on like an enthusiastic sports fan.

That’s it, bang away having an Olympic love fest, fast, slow and everything in between. Go for it, make it a workout, get sweaty, get going. Make a mockery of consensual sex. Show the air, your pillow or mattress a night to remember liberally peppered with hoots and hollers, the envy of any bull rider sans timer.

Then slow it down, letting your mind take over with your body only making subtle strategic movements. Be a cautious newlywed on a first slow salute to what is to come or an octogenarian with a bevy of mature, tender hips and hip replacements to work around in the slow crawl to grateful, grey, senior orgasm.

All the while there is nobody judging you, your muscles and fantasies are getting the workout they need and are both having the real thing and getting ready for an experience with a partner that will astonish you.

Nobody gets into the Olympics without practice. And nobody gets really fine at giving and receiving sexual pleasure without practice either.

The best of us keep our partners needs in mind while having sex with them, at least some of the time, but that’s not necessary here. This is a solo, selfish extravaganza, an experiment leading to a gold medal in personal pleasure.

But you aren’t really alone. Physicists, who know a little bit about Bell’s theorem and the like tell us that all this wild and woolly fun actually influences potential partners, people we are imagining shagging, the Pope and everybody else. There are no independent events, they admit, so we are really not as solo as it seems—we are making love to everyone.

Physical trainers, and our muscles, remind us that such vigorous workouts will certainly influence our sexual prowess and psychologists know that our mental stamina is rising too.

Don’t wait until there is somebody else there to have your best sex ever. Go for it at least as often as you go to the gym and watch yourself become a thinner, finely-tuned, sexual athlete strong of mind and body. A superhero of sex. 

You will walk differently, talk differently and a first date is in for a new kind of sexual confidence or, if you have a long term partner, your spouse of several decades will be thrilled, challenged and most of all turned on by the new you. You simply won’t be scrawny, needy or out of shape. You will be robust, ready and already satisfied.

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Author: Jerry Stocking

Image: Flickr/Shruti Thakur

Editor: Travis May