“You can ravish your woman so deeply that her surrender breaks your heart into light.” ~ David Deida

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A relationship will only be as good as the sex.

We can make a list about what brings and keeps two people together. We can talk about compatibility and shared ambitions and goals, but if a certain sexual chemistry isn’t there, nothing in the world can make up for it.

There is a reason why sex is important for couples. With physical connection, we are able to gain greater insight to our subconscious connection.

We all experience intimacy differently, but we all crave relationships that cater to our current mental, spiritual and emotional states. This craving for intimacy binds us together.

Regardless of religious beliefs, there is no ignoring the cultural and historical importance of sex between lovers. It’s used to consummate a marriage, achieve spiritual ascension or even open the third eye through kundalini awakening.

Sex is the vehicle for our love.

So, what happens when the sex just isn’t great?

The first thing we have to do is get real with ourselves; we have be honest about why the sex isn’t measuring up. Are we mentally or emotionally disconnected from our lover? Is there a lack of total trust? Are insecurities, from one or both of us, inhibiting our openness to the experience? Have we submitted to roles within the relationship yet?

All of these questions are necessary for discovering why the sex isn’t measuring up, and what this means for the relationship.

I believe that the best sex and the best relationships are one and the same. Amazing sex—soul dipping, erotic, eye-gazing, toe-curling sex—can’t be had with someone we only lust after. This type of sex can only happen when we have submitted to one another.

But what does this mean?

Submitting to one another is a mutual exchange of energy. It means that we are completely opening ourselves up to the other. It means that we trust the other person with the deepest parts of ourselves that we don’t always reveal to outsiders.

This isn’t about being submissive; it’s about choosing to let down our walls.

It also means a willingness to discuss and accept the roles within a relationship. Each partner has specific strengths, according to the divine feminine or masculine. We can be the yin to the other person’s yang.

When we battle against this balance, and try to do everything on our own or ignore the other’s strength, then we will feel a constant tension between us. A feeling of uneasiness will translate in the bedroom as well. Because if we haven’t fully submitted to one another outside of the bedroom, then there is no way that we will be able to do it between the sheets.

Sex is a barometer for the relationship.

Maybe sex isn’t everything, but it is an awful lot. Intimacy is important because it connects two people, but sex establishes the roots of a partnership. It’s where we openly and willingly submit to our lover; we let them into our space and bodies, which allows our energies to meet and grow together.

It’s the closest we can be to another person.

Sometimes when we have the effortless feeling of just clicking with someone, it’s because we’re feeling a natural mutual submission of our souls coming together. When the sex is amazing, it means that we have already openly submitted to one another. We trust one another and feel comfortable enough to let someone see us in ways no one else will. (Even with the lights on.)

If we constantly feel the need to have sex in the dark, we have to question the depth of the relationship. If we can’t uncover our bodies with our lover, then there isn’t any way we can bare our souls to them.

The way sex speaks about our relationship is an aspect that can’t easily be changed. We try different sexual positions, or try more ways to open up, but many times it just ends up feeling forced.

The reason why some couples have amazing sex is because of chemistry, which is often overlooked. What this word really refers to is the inexplicable magnetic attraction between two souls. It’s not just physical attraction, but something deeper. When we have a high level of chemistry with someone, we also have a deeper connection, which results in a better and healthier relationship outside the bedroom.

Love is all about connection.

It’s about letting someone in and being invited into another’s soul. It’s about choosing to surrender to the connection, attraction and love in general.

A deep, sexually romantic connection comes from the ability to communicate about the twisted and dark aspects of our souls. It’s the knowledge that no matter what we do, or what we look like, our partner will still accept and love us.

When we feel loved and accepted, we also feel desired. Our lovers make us feel like they are insatiable for us.

The truest test of how good a relationship will be is how hot it burns in the bedroom. Because there’s no doubt that if the sex is amazing, the relationship will be as well.

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Author: Kate Rose

Image: William Stitt/Unsplash

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock