Act I

Okay, here we go! Mmmm, that feels good…

Wait—I wonder if I smell bad? I might…
When was my last shower? After the gym this morning. Right—
I really rocked those sit-ups.

Him: “I love doing this to you, baby.”

Me: “Mmmmm…yeah, don’t stop!”

Speaking of showers, I’ve got to pay my water bill.
I tried to put it on auto-payments last week, but I couldn’t find my checkbook.
And you need those numbers on the check for auto-pay.
I wonder how many bank accounts there are in America? If I owned a bank—

Sh*t! I’m lost in my head. His face is between my legs—concentrate!

Act II

Ouch, his stubble is grating on my skin. Maybe if I tip my hips to the left, it will make it better…
Should I tell him to lighten up?
He’ll probably get offended if I do, then he’ll stop.
I don’t want him to stop—I think. Just relax and try to enjoy it…

That stubble! It’s like grinding against sandpaper.

Does he even enjoy doing this, anyway?
Or is he just trying to be nice? My first boyfriend in high school was nice, only he had no idea how to have oral sex. We used to make out for hours…

God, it takes me so long to cum.

Act III

Him: “Does this feel good, baby?”

Me: “Uhhh—errrrr—”

Does this feel good? What does “good” even mean? Is it this? Have I ever actually enjoyed sex before?
Would it feel good for someone else? Is there something wrong with me? Should I be feeling something I’m not?

Me: “Ohh yeah, keep going!”

I wonder what’s on TV tonight. What am I missing?
What’s it like for other women? Why can’t I stop thinking and just relax?

I hope this will be over soon…

Act IV

Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’m close—!
Ohhhhhhh…and now it’s gone.

This is never going to happen. I missed that window, and now I’m nowhere near it. I hate that. Why does that happen?

Ugh, so frustrating. If he’d only stay in the same place and not move around so much…Maybe if I clench my hips, move a little to the right—focus!

He must be getting bored. It’s been like 20 minutes. We should just have sex. It takes me forever to cum.

This is never going to work. What’s wrong with me?!

~

Myth: Receiving oral sex is instant bliss for all women.

Truth: The conditions under which many of us have oral sex promote mental chatter in women. They limit relaxation, enjoyment, and pleasure and increase anxiety, pressure, and self-consciousness.

Many of us fear that it’s our bodies or our ability to orgasm that are the problems when it comes to sexual enjoyment. Neither of these are the real issue. It’s the set of hoops we try to make ourselves jump through during sex that inhibit our sexual fulfillment.

For many women, it is physiologically impossible to relax during oral sex because our minds are flooded with so many thoughts and expectations.

About what?

Everything from our last shower to an unresolved problem at work to whether we emptied the dishwasher or not.

For me, this used to make oral sex barely worth having.

If you’re like me and find yourself running through your to-do list instead of experiencing enjoyment during oral sex, here are some tips on how to change that:

1. Remove climax as the marker of successful oral sex. Nothing stops an orgasm in its tracks like the pressure to have one. Have you ever noticed that sometimes the harder you try to climax—the further away it gets? That’s because most women’s orgasms won’t happen under pressure or restrictions of any kind.

Instead, tell your partner you want to feel more pleasure and try something new. The next time you have oral sex, make an agreement that climax is not expected.

2. Ask for one small change. I know from working with thousands of couples that your partner wants you to feel good—really good. However, many of us don’t want to ask for anything in sex because we feel embarrassed or are worried we’ll hurt our partner’s feelings.

Start small. If you know one simple change will dramatically increase your enjoyment, try revealing that to your partner before oral sex starts. For example, a client recently told her husband, “I like it when your tongue is soft, instead of pointy.” Even after years of marriage, he had never known this about her. He softened his tongue, and she enjoyed oral sex more than she had in a long time.

3. Relax and just feel your body. Once I realized I didn’t truly like oral sex, I dedicated myself to learning to fully enjoy it. The first thing I realized was how much I was “doing” while he was going down on me. I was thinking about him, trying to “manage” it so it went well, moaning to cheer him on, and grinding my hips because I thought that was sexy. I was doing so much that I wasn’t actually able to feel my own body. And my body, I’ve learned, is where the pleasure is.

Experiment with doing less during oral sex. How much can you relax, like a pat of butter melting across the bed? What happens if you don’t try to force anything, and instead simply feel the sexual sensations in your own body?

Author: Bez Stone

Image: Unsplash

Editor: Callie Rushton