“If I accept the fact that my relationships are here to make me conscious, instead of happy, then my relationships become a wonderful self-mastery tool that keeps realigning me with my higher purpose for living.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

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A conscious relationship is born when love meets reality.

Reality means we’re not going to see roses and sunshine each and every day of our lives. It doesn’t matter who we are, how evolved we believe ourselves to be, or even how spiritually superior we’d like to think we are—we all have bad days. We all get hung up on our past wounds and the ugly sh*t inside of us.

It’s part of the human experience.

Yet another big part of the human experience is love: the search and pursuit of those relationships that call us to some higher purpose.

A conscious relationship is probably the most wonderful connection that two people can share, but that doesn’t mean that it’s always pretty or comfortable. In fact, we have to accept that the shallow, albeit delicious, flavor of “happiness” is just one part of what we’ll taste.

In order to build a conscious relationship, we have to be ready and willing to do just that—build. Building is what conscious relationships are all about. They’re not about ego or passivity; they’re about the challenge that comes with watching love grow from the ground up. It’s not easy work, this building, but in the end, our love will be healthier—and we will actually be better people.

We often forget that about love: If a relationship is not making us a better person, then why are we in it? We often enter into relationships out of loneliness—out of the desire to just have someone—just to find disappointment. The reality is that we need to wait for the one we can build with, which comes back to our own readiness and the universe’s timing.

Perhaps we’ll be fortunate enough one day to know what it feels like when we meet this person. We suddenly begin to look at love differently. No longer are we trying to get or keep someone; we are instead trying to share a journey together as one—if we so choose.

Conscious love involves a choice, and an autonomous one at that.

But when we are finally ready to choose—when we finally find someone who we want to build with, when we finally decide we are ready to move toward not just love, but conscious love—there are a few important things to remember.

Conscious couples are not attached to the outcome of the relationship.

By definition, a conscious romantic relationship is possible when both partners feel committed to their own individual sense of purpose and growth in this life. They may fear change, but they never remain stagnant. Ultimately, the only option they have is to continue to grow, regardless of what might need to fall away as a result.

Growth is their ultimate goal.

If we enter into a relationship expecting that a year from now, the man will bend on one knee and ask for our hand in marriage with a white diamond, then we have already stifled any growth that might have been possible with the weight of our expectations.

We are going into the relationship not to grow and see where it leads, but to find stability based on our expectations. It seems that for many of us, that need for stability outweighs the desire for freedom and possibility.

But not having a destination in mind for the relationship doesn’t mean that there isn’t commitment. It just means that each person in the relationship is more committed to growing and letting the love speak for itself than predetermining what being together will ultimately mean.

The conscious couple gets high off of growth, be it spiritual, mental, physical, or even sexual.

There are no limits to the heights they’ll reach when each wants to inspire them to fly further and higher than they ever have before.

Conscious couples take responsibility for their darkness.

Whether we call it owning our sh*t or fighting our demons, an important aspect of being in a conscious relationship is that we no longer blame the other person for our triggers or expect them to fix something inside of us.

When we take responsibility for ourselves, it means that we own our wounds, our conditioning, and whatever has come before this relationship. But taking responsibility also requires healthy communication so that each person can understand where the other is coming from.

Even if we are fearful that our partner will shut down in the face of us baring our souls, we cannot allow that to stop us from being authentic, as this will actually reduce the chances that we will hurt our partner’s feelings if and when we become triggered.

All of this means that all feelings, emotions, and discussions (not just the positive ones) are welcomed into the relationship, because the primary goal of the relationship isn’t to make one another comfortable, but to grow. And sometimes that growth is uncomfortable.

Conscious couples understand that loving is an action.

When two people who individually own their sh*t come together and can discuss matters without becoming triggered, the doorway opens to the actual practice of love—not just love, but unconditional love.

When we are able to dedicate our relationships to the well-being and growth of both ourselves and the other, we begin to experience what it means to love another without an agenda.

We begin to love someone just as they are, instead of hoping to change them to fit our expectations.

And in turn, we begin to believe that we’re fully accepted for who we are, that we too are loved unconditionally, and that anything is possible with the support of our partner.

It is the practice of this type of love that determines how much growth is for each conscious lover—the ultimate goal of the relationship.

Conscious love is messy, real, and hard work—but it is also extremely worth it.

Author: Kate Rose
Image: Clem Onojeghuo/Unsplash
Editor: Callie Rushton