She asked, “How do I move him into maturity?” and instantly, I paused.

That is a question I hear a lot in my practice and life. I hear it from women who want to know how to make her man more of what she wants him to be. I hear it from men who want to know how to be the man she craves.

The inverse is also true—men wanting to know how or where to snag the perfect woman, or how to refine the one he has into the vision he holds.

Whenever I hear these questions, or read blogs that suggest it is possible to do so, it causes me to pause.

I pause because the implication is that one has the power to shape another, or to mold them into something else. It suggests that there is a secret formula, a trick, or a way to capture the attention of the “perfect” partner, and if we would just follow the steps laid out here—which you can buy for only $14.99—you too can catch and keep Mr. or Mrs. Right.

I call shenanigans.

There is no formula, no secret method, and no particular approach one can take to capture the attention of the “perfect” partner—except to become the perfect partner.

Many people have ideals that they have set for their life partner. They want someone who is kind, service-oriented, passionate, and self-loving. Yet, some of these people who require that kind of partner are anything but that. They are so focused on catching the One that they have forgotten to be the One.

They say they want a spiritual partner, but don’t have a spiritual practice.

They want a partner who has integrity, but don’t have any of their own.

They want financial stability ,but have a pile of credit cards they don’t pay.

They want patience and kindness, but snap at the cashier in the market line.

They want someone who is fit, but don’t take time to exercise.

They want someone to love them, but they don’t love themselves.

And therein lies the problem. The person is so focused on finding the One that they have neglected the things that will bring them their desired partner.

They have externalized their desires instead of taking Rumi’s advice that states, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

The work to finding the One begins within. It is an internal process to bring in the right person. The reality is that even if you were to attract the the One, as long as your mind isn’t wired to recognize them, you’d walk right past them anyway.

Until you are on the same wavelength, living the life that makes you magnetic to the type of partner you desire, you’ll continue seeking outside of yourself the magic that can only be found within.

Become the person that would be attractive to the person you want in your life, but don’t do it for that reason. Learn to live your life fully, enjoying every step of the process.

Take yourself to cooking classes and buy your own flowers. Learn to dance if that’s what you want to do. Go to the concerts you want with the friends you love. Dance wildly if the moment hits you.

Look at your desires in a partner. Write them down, and then take an honest inventory about whether you are living out those ideals yourself—and if not, you know where to start.

Become the best version of yourself, so that you can attract the best version of another.

Stop looking for the One. Become the One.

~

Author: Lisa Vallejos
Image: Tim Stief/Unsplash
Editor: Lieselle Davidson