So many of us want an epic lover.

It’s much easier to focus on what we want from someone than it is to take responsibility for ourselves. How many of us think about how to be an epic lover, rather than how to have one?

I spent many years trying to find a great lover. I went through phases of letting any guy who was nice to me be “good enough.” Which, of course, meant I chose not-so-great guys. I had no idea what to look for, no standards, and no self-love.

Then I spent some time writing a “list” of what kind of person I wanted my partner to be—which meant I was sizing someone up against that list and no one was ever good enough. I see many people fall in either of those two camps. Lately, I’ve seen all these beautiful writings titled, “Wait for the one who…” with amazing sentiments. With things my husband fully embodies.

It’s good to know what’s possible, I get it. Here’s the thing though:

We attract who we are.

A partnership is a growing, evolving thing—just like individuals are. I fiercely stand for helping my clients be epic lovers in the world so they can attract the caliber of partner they desire.

After rolling my eyes at another post all about “who your partner should be for you,” and how long we should wait to choose our “perfect” person, I knew I had to write this piece.

Be a lover who loves like this:

Be a lover who loves everyone. Who doesn’t withhold their love for only one. Who can walk into a room and light the whole place up.

Be a lover who cares for the earth. Who appreciates the trees and the ocean and the sun.

Be a lover who always kisses their partner good night.

Be a lover who is playful. Who brings joy to every moment and knows they are the source of their own happiness.

Be a lover who wakes up in the morning and doesn’t rush out of bed, but reaches for their lover, tells them something sweet, and then goes to make their coffee or tea.

Be a lover who lives with integrity. Who does what they say they are going to do.

Be a lover who tells the truth. Who isn’t afraid of being seen. Who reveals all and isn’t afraid of rocking the boat.

Be a lover who isn’t afraid their partner will leave, but is fearlessly committed to creating something amazing. Who doesn’t hide who they are and isn’t afraid to have difficult conversations.

Be a lover who their partner can rely on. Who shows up consistently and is there during the great times and the hard times.

Be a lover who is fearless. Fearlessly brave in pursuing their dreams, speaking their needs, and sharing their feelings.

Be a lover who doesn’t expect perfection. From themselves or anyone else.

Be a lover who appreciates change. Who knows that in partnership, both people are constantly changing.

Be a lover who is present. Who doesn’t dwell in the past or anxiously pursue the future. A lover who is fully here—now—in whatever experience is happening in the partnership.

Be a lover who doesn’t compare their relationship to anyone else’s. Who keeps it sacred and goes to their partner rather than anyone else when they are struggling with something.

Be a lover who is forgiving. Who embraces their own flaws and imperfections. A lover who doesn’t try to be someone they aren’t.

Be a lover who knows their divinity as well as their partner’s. Who uses this to help navigate life, not escape it.

Be a lover who knows they are enough. Who knows they are worth loving.

Be a lover who takes their time. Who moves through the world with ease and doesn’t rush anything.

Be a lover who is spontaneous. Who surprises their partner with things they love and plans trips the night before.

Be a lover who isn’t just looking to fill a void. Who knows that partnership is a place for growth and transformation and learning.

Be a lover who is always kind, even when in a fight. A lover who speaks about their lover with kindness.

Be a lover who is a source of joy. Who enters a relationship to bring play and fun, rather than seeking it.

Be a lover who brings mystery. Who doesn’t keep secrets, but doesn’t share everything all at once.

Be a lover who leans in first for a kiss. A lover who reaches for their partner’s hand under the table and sends texts just to let their partner know they are thinking of them.

Be a lover who doesn’t care what other people think. Who follows the stirrings of their own heart and soul. Who holds their partnership as sacred.

Be a lover who is compassionate, accepting, and empathetic. Who listens when their partner speaks.

Be a lover who accepts their partner. Who doesn’t try to fix, change, or save them.

Be a lover who loves their body. A lover who moves their hands slowly over their partner’s body, appreciating every curve, scar, and mark.

Be a lover who is good in bed. Who isn’t trying to perform or do what they think they should, but knows what their partner likes.

Be a lover who gives their partner the last piece of cake, pizza, or fruit. A lover who shares their food.

Be a lover who makes the bed in the morning because it feels good to do.

Be a lover who celebrates their partner. Who leaves love notes all through the house. Who shouts from the rooftops, “I’m so glad this person is with me!”

Be a lover who proudly shares how great their partner is with their friends. Who compliments their partner in front of people.

Be a lover who appreciates things. A lover who is grateful, not just when good things happen, but holds this attitude no matter what.

Be a lover who is there for the difficult things. Who faces hard things together with their partner.

Be a lover who doesn’t run away. Be a lover who stays.

Be a lover who pays attention. Who knows what sock their partner puts on first, every wrinkle on their partner’s face when they smile, and what makes their partner happy.

Be a lover who knows their partner is a gift and treats them as such. A lover who never takes anything for granted.

Be a lover who is loyal and committed. Who is a safe place for their partner to share their hopes, dreams, and feelings.

Be a lover who has done their work to let go of past hurts. Who doesn’t carry blame or shame into the relationship.

Be a lover who takes responsibility for their life, their happiness, and all their feelings.

Be a lover who welcomes the mess. Who wipes away their partner’s tears. Who walks them through their fears with a kiss on their forehead.

Be a lover who doesn’t tell their partner what to do, but promises to be there no matter what path they choose.

Be a lover with boundaries. A lover who doesn’t let anyone walk all over them.

Be a lover who celebrates themselves. Who can speak powerfully and confidently about who they are and celebrates their partner too.

Be a lover who loves their life. Who takes the time to go after their dreams and knows they are worthy of achieving them.

Be a lover who knows how to give love without expectations or strings.

Be a lover who isn’t seeking to gain anything from their giving.

Be a lover who doesn’t keep score.

Be a lover who lets their partner be free to do the things that make them happy.

Be a lover who loves themselves. Who knows the source of their worth. Who knows they belong to life first.

Be a lover who knows how to commit and can say, “Everyday, I choose you.”

Be a lover who knows that love is something we continuously learn. That love is a verb, not a feeling.

Be a lover who loves and knows that they are doing the best that they can and so is everyone else.
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Author: Catherine Hummel
Image: Stuart Connor/Flickr
Editor: Danielle Beutell
Copy Editor: Catherine Monkman
Social Editor: Catherina Monkman