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This is part three in a three-part series about my journey to somatic sexual wholeness. Click here to read part one and here to read part two. 

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Recently, while pleasuring myself, I was reminded of my ex.

He was the one who introduced me to what I call “fully-integrated sexual chemistry.” (More appropriately stated, it was the other way around, but that’s beside the point.) It had been months since we’d been together, and I found myself missing that connection. I missed how wet I became at just the thought of him, the way his kisses left me wanting more, the way I craved his body next to mine.

I was trying to climax so I could go about my day, but nothing seemed to be working for me. In sheer frustration, I shifted my focus to thoughts of him. I pictured the things we did together and the way our bodies fit together. I started talking to him as if he were in the room with me. I begged him to be with me, to allow me to pleasure him and for him to pleasure me—just one last time—just enough to enable me to finish so I could go move on with my day.

I needed to orgasm in a big way. Suddenly, I started crying—full-on bawling, begging, and pleading. I cried out, “Please do this for me. Just one last time. I need you!”

I let it all out.

Then I recalled the words Rahi Chun, my somatic sex educator, had said to me after my recent yoni massage: “The magic is you. It was never him.”

In my initial meeting with Rahi, he explained something that has since helped me expand my horizons sexually, personally, and even professionally.

“Somatic sexual wholeness serves to empower self-awareness and build a fluency in expressing and embodying sexual arousal and energy in your own intimate relationship with yourself. With this foundation of self-love, wholly and sexually embodied women and men are then able to relate to others owning their own sexuality, which creates a nourishing and exponentially expansive dance that is ideally free of dependency or co-dependency of another.”

Having just left a sexually fulfilling relationship where I had attributed the “credit,” if you will, for that experience to my partner, Rahi helped me to re-frame that experience.

He told me, “Be aware of not attributing and positively projecting these experiences of your own energy and magnificence onto an outside person. The magic is within you. You surrendered into the love and trust of your heart that allowed and invited such ecstatic bliss.”

As my yoni massage with Rahi was ending and I was coming down from my joyful release, he held his palms at the entrance of my yoni. It was almost as if he was “sealing in all the goodness.” I felt thankful. As I laid there and processed the enormity of everything that had just happened, I contemplated what was to come.

Before I left, Rahi gifted me with a jade yoni egg, along with a list of instructions for proper use. According to his handout, the yoni egg is used to “Bring greater sensitivity to the tissues and muscles of the yoni for pleasure and psycho-spiritual awareness, greater sensitivity to the G-spot (area), tone, suppleness, and dexterity to the inner walls, greater muscular versatility in love-making, heal past trauma, strengthen pelvic floor (to prevent leakage of chi), massage reflexology points within yoni and internal organs for overall health.”

In addition, it has healing properties that, “Promote love, courage, justice, wisdom, and self-sufficiency. It is believed to be an emotional balancer. It releases negative thoughts while soothing the mind. Jade is a protective stone which attracts good luck and friendship. Jade is one of the most highly revered stones of China and the only stone used by the ancient Chinese royal courts. Nephrite jade eggs are also non-porous, and unlike crystal yoni eggs, are unbreakable.”

I now use my yoni egg several times a week, and make a habit of wearing it when I go out dancing. I forgot I had it in one night until the man I was dancing with said to me, “You weren’t f*cking around tonight. You have three auras going on. I’m glad I can control myself.” I’ve learned that my yoni egg, and the sexual confidence it brings, are my little “Secret Weapon.”

I’ve also found that my ability to orgasm more regularly has heightened my professional creativity. For this reason, I often pleasure myself before I start working for the day.

Which brings me back to that fateful morning. What I’ve learned from my time with Rahi, and from that desperate moment of crying out for my ex, is that the experiences I’d had with this man didn’t have to be about this man at all. My experiences are whatever I choose to make them.

In fact, the experiences with him were about me, my body, and the place I was in at the time. This man just happened to be a willing participant with me at a time when I was undergoing a sexual awakening. How lucky for him!

As I eased into those thoughts, and shifted the responsibility for the grand moments back to myself, I started to experience more pleasure. My tears turned from tears of sorrow to those of gratitude, and my body overflowed with a sense of fulfillment. It wasn’t long before I had an orgasm, felt an extreme sense of accomplishment, and could finally start my day feeling proud that I had loved myself back from the brink.

I realized that this is the kind of everyday, sexual healing that a yoni massage is designed to initiate. This work—both the massage and the integration that continues—brought me to a place where I could love myself.

Since my session with Rahi, I’ve felt much more comfortable in my own body and have been exploring my sexuality, both on my own and with new partners. I’ve deepened my sexual ownership and experienced multiple orgasms for the first time.

In the questionnaire I completed after my session, Rahi asked, “If you would be present with yourself, and intentionally invite and listen for what your yoni wants to share with you, what would she say?” This was my response:

“Your yoni is a gift. First and foremost, it is a gift to yourself. You may enjoy this gift whenever you choose; you don’t need a partner to do so. However, if you choose to invite a partner into this gift, know that he or she is simply a guest—not the landlord.”

One of the biggest components of this healing (and a long-standing issue for me) was the ability to take in and receive. I needed to receive the healing offered to be more effective in my life.

As women, we often give and give and don’t take the time to replenish our bodies or our souls. When our sexual pleasure is our own, instead of something that belongs to a partner, it gives us the freedom to choose when, where, and how we own our pleasure. Pleasure equals joy in my book and joy leads to success.

When you own your pleasure, you can feel good whenever you choose.

As a result of feeling good, I’ve found increased opportunities—both personally and professionally—that are leading me closer to my dreams. The work I did with Rahi is continuing to help me grow and I know that will only continue.

I’m grateful that our paths crossed. Synchronicity is a beautiful thing—and so is sexual wholeness.

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Author: Melissa Drake
Image: Brigitte Dee Fries/Flickr
Editor: Nicole Cameron
Copy Editor: Taia Butler
Social Editor: Callie Rushton