I had orgy dreams last night.

There were so many of us rolling around in dim light that it was impossible to tell exactly who was touching, kissing, or inside whom.

It was one hot, long, and pleasurable night, and I awoke at 6:42 a.m. with my mind and body aligned and satisfied.

It wasn’t long, though, until my mind ramped up, questioning the experience in many ways:

>> Could I be that comfortable with men?

>> Would I really want sex without commitment—just for the fun of it?

>> Would I really want to just grab a leg, rub a back, or wiggle myself up close to someone without the background check of several dates or small talk?

Yes, seemed like the obvious answer to all these questions.

Sex—as it is now—seems to be more about jumping through hoops and learning to follow orders, rather than a shortcut to pleasure. So, abundant sex might lead to new (hopefully deeper) ways of relating, without the standard terror of becoming sexless if we are partnerless.

What if, when we are in the mood for sex, we could just have sex—all the sex we want—with willing partners? What if we didn’t have to “put a ring on it” or swear our allegiance to someone forever before being welcome to orgasm together?

Nobody—except celibates and people who don’t like sex—seems to be getting enough sex. I certainly am not. But, I remember when I was—and that was a sweet time. A time when I could get on with what was really important to me, and I assure you that it wasn’t sex. When we are getting plenty of sex, close touching, and cuddling, our bodies are at ease, and our mind’s quiet down.

But, when we are not, it is so easy to imagine that sex might solve something. Sex only solves the “absence of sex” problem, which isn’t really a legitimate problem.

When I am getting plenty of sex, the nature of sex quickly reveals itself. It is irrelevant.

It doesn’t feel any better than a sweet walk in the woods, a bikeride, downward dog, or the taste of two soft cooked eggs on a flax cracker with a dab of hummus.

In its absence, sex quickly takes on a relevance that undermines satisfaction, turning our moods downward, and causing us to wiggle over to a website where strangers are always having sex. But porn doesn’t satisfy our bodies, it just stokes our minds, taunting and teasing us unmercifully.

People get married so that they can have sex. They do it even though it is obvious that marriage is the cure for too much sex and usually ends up with both of you being mostly monks, working as business partners in the unpaid job of getting the duties of life done.

Always, within a couple, one of you wants sex more than the other, and that (again) fuels frustration. Add to that the many long-term taboos against talking about sex, and couples find themselves in an institution that fosters the very problems it was meant to solve. Short-sighted people then get divorced, hoping it will be different with someone new. Good luck with that.

I’m not sure if orgies are the answer to our chronic lack of sex…but they might be. Dreaming about them has me sitting in my hotel room with a grin on my face, looking out at some early fall colors on the trees, and not horny.

Perhaps sex issues are best solved in dreams, since the reality of most of our sex lives falls so short of what we say we want. Or maybe, the problem isn’t with sex at all, but is in our nature. We want what we don’t have. So, when we aren’t having sex, we work ourselves into a tizzy desperately wanting it. And when we are having sex, we want sex with someone other than our partner, or we wish that sex was better or different.

I don’t think that I really want an orgy. Because I haven’t had one, but I have had several threesomes, and those were fun. They made my performance anxiety magically disappear and offered me loads of physical sensations without the many pressures inherent to being part of a couple.

Singles tennis is a difficult game, because there are so many balls to hit. But doubles is a grand, interesting game for the older, wiser player who can share responsibility—hitting fewer balls, covering less court, and having even more fun and social interaction. A threesome offers the benefits of doubles play for advanced sexual enjoyment.

Perhaps, before we are ready for an orgy, it is time for more threesomes, random sex with friends, or admitting that we only really want sex when we can’t have it. Maybe it is time to let our dreams run wild and get curious about how to best seduce our juicy sexuality a bit closer to abundant satisfaction.

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Relephant:

Polyamory Isn’t All About F*cking: The Art of Multiple Loves.

Are Two Penises Better than One? {Adult}

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Author: Jerry Stocking
Image: Flickr/fnogues; WikiMedia Commons
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Copy editor: Catherine Monkman
Social editor: Danielle Beutell