October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.

For so long, I tried to protect my own pride and hide my shame by burying myself in the statement: “But, he didn’t hit me.”

So many women find themselves walking in these same shame-filled shoes. Getting caught up in something toxic does not make us weak. Trying to fix someone does not make us stupid. And believing in love does not make us naïve.

As we come to the end of this month, I’ve written this for all the women who have found themselves the victim of an abusive relationship and who found the strength it takes to escape:

He didn’t hit me.

He just went through my phone every time I was in the shower,
Provoking fights that would last for hours,
Always apologizing with a bouquet of flowers.

He didn’t hit me.

He just hated all my friends.
Told me they were no good and that I should just stay in.

He was careful to always remind me I was unworthy,
And any time I spoke to a man, he would accuse me of being flirty.
He laughed, saying no one else would ever love me,
Making me feel nothing but useless and ugly.

He didn’t hit me.

He would just break my things on the rare occasions I decided to go out,
Coming home to his aggressive shouts.
He just deleted all my contacts who were men,
Telling me to never speak to them again.

He didn’t hit me.

He just wouldn’t listen when I said no,
Every day stealing a little more of my glow.
He would criticize my appearance,
Calling me stupid, every day weakening my resilience.

He didn’t hit me.

He would just threaten his own life when I would try to leave,
A burden no 19-year-old should receive.

He didn’t hit me.

He just made me hate myself every day.
Worried how the hell I would get away.

He didn’t hit me.

Until one day, he overheard a call.
Hearing that I was leaving, he pushed me toward the wall.
But, he didn’t hit me.

~

Author: Emily Cutshaw
Image: Strongmindbraveheart.com
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Copy Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Social Editor: Waylon Lewis