I stayed and called it love. 

We often try to change ourselves for others. We may change for a while. But we always go back to who we are.

There is a difference between giving up and having enough. I need you to understand this. I had to leave you so you could realize what you had, what we had.

Now you say, “We will try to be better. Things will be different.”

I am tired of broken promises. I am tired of being insignificant.

You used to scream at me, “Where are you going?” as I walked out the door. You knew I would always come back. I didn’t have any other option but to stay.

Over time, I didn’t recognize myself. I became like a hollow shell—it was not me anymore.

The tragic thing is that I died inside and you didn’t even notice. It was always about you—but never about me.

You asked me to believe in us again and to try one more time. How many times can we accept apologies for a mistake that we know will happen again? You wanted me to believe that you lied and that you cheated on me because of me.

Where were you?

All you’d say was, “I handled it poorly. I didn’t mean to hurt you”.

Everyone has a choice. You had a choice and every time you chose to lie. Every time you chose to break me.

Love is blind. I thought so little of myself that I blamed myself for your behavior.

Every confrontation, you’d say, “I hate you. You make my life sh*tty.”

I stayed after you busted my car windshield. I stayed after you put all these holes on my walls. I stayed after the derogatory remarks. I stayed even though I was dying inside.

Where were you? 

This is where you got angry saying, “I didn’t deserve this. Are you going to toss me away like some piece of trash?”

I spent several months trying to find a solution. You’d always get defensive. You wouldn’t listen to me.

Where were you?

You laughed at me when I talked about couples counseling and relationship therapy. You laughed at the idea of reading the Five Love Languages.

You’d say, “I don’t need anything from you. I can handle myself.”

Where were you?

Every person in a relationship needs something from their partner—whether it be emotional support, intimacy, empathy, or compassion.

I gave and gave and you took and took until I was sucked dry. I spent six months trying to get you, to communicate with you, to have sex with you.

Where were you?

You’d say, “I hate when you disconnect yourself from me.” But where were you when you disconnected yourself from me, do you understand what it feels for me to receive this? Do you understand what it feels to pretend that nothing happened?

You’d say, “You’re choosing to leave.”

Love is love is love. I stayed.

When can we accept that this type of love is unhealthy?

No matter how bad we treated each other, I still love you. The last thing you’d say was, “You’re going to realize what you had and that you made a mistake.”

One day, you will realize that you can’t treat your loved one like this—one day you, you will realize my worth.

I will no longer beg you to love me, to want me, to listen to me.

Thank you for this journey, for this lesson. I am finally letting it go.

I choose myself.

Relephant:

When Love leaves us with a Broken Heart—how our Moon Sign can help us Heal.

~ 

Author: Jessica Mayes
Image: @gypsieraleigh on Instagram
Editor: Angel Lebailly
Copy editor: Lieselle Davidson
Social Editor: Waylon Lewis