I hate that I keep looking at my phone to see what time it is where you are.

All the way I across the other side of the world.
The place that you know I love.
The place we last shared those amazing days & nights on our European holiday just over 1 year ago.
My happy “longing to go again” place.

You are there. Holidaying. Showing him the world.
I am here. Poor & suffering & grieving in silence.
You message me that you are lost there.
Lost in memories of us & our time there.

You draw me in again…

I hate that I keep checking to see when you were last online.
I hate that I need to see if you’ve left me a message.

That aching pleasure yet painful exposure when I see your name pop up off the screen. It makes me my heart sink to my feet.

I yearn yet loathe that I want to see your presence somewhere alive on the net – or in a message.

You bring me right back to earth when I read what you write me.
Still cocky, still 50% blame, still all about you & your happenings.

Non the wiser to my empty, pitiful, loathing pain.

My heart wants to jump out my chest.
My chest want stabbing over & over.
My veins want cutting.
My adrenaline wants my legs to run like Forrest.
My twitching body wants to curl up & sleep til I die.

This broken heart shit aches like my existence has ended.
This unknown blackness.
Wreaking havoc through small glimpses of hope then plummeting so low I weep with howling sorrow in a matter of an hour.
Hour by hour this polar intensity consumes me.

Hating every happy couple.
Wanting to hug my children yet can’t.
Aching yet not even knowing want I want.

What is pleasure now?
What is that fucking thing you all keep saying I will wake up one morning & feel?

Fuck it hurts.
It hurts so bad I want to scream & yell & cry & laugh & punch & RUN & sleep.

I want you to feel my pain.
I want you to hurt like hell for how I feel.
It’s god damned crippling is what it is.

Who do I come home to now?
Who do I share life with now?

Where’s my reward for all my vested time & love.
I waited & waited & waited in line for your attention & time & I still got shafted.

WHY?
Why did I get the raw stick at the end?

I was supposed to wait patiently & then I was supposed to get some lovin up time!

What about ME?
WHY?

Why did I get pushed aside when it got too hard for you?
WHY?

Everything I read says let him be.
Midlife crisis is not for taming or entertaining.
Let him go they say.
Nothing you can do.
Don’t entertain his flippant attention AFTER the fact – when his loneliness creeps in.
He’ll regret it they say.
Won’t know what he’s lost til it kicks in.
It’s the process.
They always come back for your attention & “I love you’s” AFTER THE FACT.

I used all my might & did it.
Right down to the stopping the long winded conversations.
I did what the books all said.
I read & I read & I read til I couldn’t read anymore.
I did it all.

It fucking hurts like hell but I stayed strong.
I let you go.
I gave you what you wanted & it killed my soul.
Destroyed my heart.

But NOPE that wasn’t enough destruction for you.

You get me every time piercing like a dagger through my soft, loving skin.
You manage to stab right through to my heart every fucking time.

Right when I start to make minute progress on myself .
Right out of the woodwork, your name pops up or I see your presence online.

I make adjustments so I don’t see any action.

YES, some relief yet you find another avenue to BE SEEN.

OUCH
Fuck this hurts.

You are everywhere.
In everything.
About everything I do.
Everywhere I go you remind me.
I see memories playing out all around.
There’s NO escape.
It’s suffocating me.

FARK
F-A-R-K

Someone help me.
Am I going to go crazy?
I AM crazy.
I have lost it.

Nope, hang on, you got this!
It’s a moment.
It’ll pass.

Nope, the dreams attack my subconscious.
Controlling even my sleeping mind is impossible.

I exercise, I meditate, I socialise, I try, I Try, I TRY SO HARD.

Nothing works – for long.

My brave face is showing signs of the crippling torture.
My skin has become cracked under the pressure no matter what moisture I try & heal with.

Someone please help me.
No one is coming to save you.
No one is left.
It’s you & me.

ALONE.

I am going to die alone.

I thought we were going to grow old together.
Kids, grandkids, memories, life.

I was clearly on my own agenda.
You clearly didn’t want that.
Learning you want to do it alone broke me.

YOU LITERALLY BROKE ME.

7 god damned years I vested in you.
Yep lots of lows.
LOTS.
Money. Fucking money!

You sure stuck that final knife fair into my heart.
Blame me why don’t you.
Go for the jugular.
Knife me where you know I can’t survive.

Yep, you ripped it all out because you could.
You actually did it.
Took my home, my family & my friends.
Nestled yourself like a widow spider overlooking the prey.
I was ousted like it meant nothing to you.

Off you went.
Holiday after holiday, trip after trip.
Yet you say I disappeared.
HA.

You disappeared everywhere.
Everywhere it hurt me.

You disappeared every time it got hard.
Left me standing to fend for myself because you “had to go” somewhere so they whole house of cards didn’t fall down.

Funny that it was my exit that brought YOUR house of cards falling down – not you or your money.

You took it all away from me but it’s not money I miss… you see.

Or do you see?
I don’t think you have seen anything.

Money can’t buy you happiness.
You certainly have learnt that now haven’t you?

I AM the Goddess.
The Goddess of LOVE.
The Goddess that gave YOU the love, nurturing & spiritual guidance that YOU lack.

You can’t buy that shit!!!
THAT I own & there’s NO price on it.

And you had no time for it.
Always too busy.
Always last on your priority list.
Well what do I do with my love now?
You still can’t tell me…

I disappeared?
You let me go.

9 weeks since we parted.
Where are you?
On hold…until you have time?