When I was in my 20s, an older, wise woman told me that I would change my course of action with regards to an impossible relationship when I had suffered enough. In my younger years I had to learn the hard way in many areas of my life and I endured so much unnecessary suffering because I was unwilling, and sometimes incapable of seeing the whole truth that was before me. Fortunately, as the decades have progressed, I’m more willing and able to see what is before me without filters, and it takes very little suffering these days for a course correction.

The ‘suffer enough’ idea though, is one which I have found to be very helpful in my professional life. For about 30 years, I’ve been part of a growth path that has understood that unresolved traumatic memory follows us into the present moment, coloring our emotions, life choices and our ability to move forward in our growth of consciousness. People would usually find me after they had tried everything else. But even then, there have been people who were not quite ready to face their pain and their destructive patterns. And I would tell them: When you’ve suffered enough, I’ll still be here.

For decades, I had a private practice that was connected to a licensed mental health professional. I only went back to school for an MSW when I decided to bring ‘trauma resolution’ into the mainstream about 25 years ago. I knew I needed an advanced degree to gain credibility. I was familiar with what passed for help in the mainstream mental health circles. And because of my exposure to main stream medical model mental health, I knew that there was no tool for resolving traumatic memory. When my youngest son started school, I was able to devote more of my life in bringing this important message and tool into the larger world. 

There has been tons of research into the nature of trauma over the last 25 years.  It used to be common ‘wisdom’ in psychology circles that once traumatized, a person could only hope to learn how to cope and manage their symptoms, usually using drugs, providing stigmatizing labels and offering no hope at all. Gratefully, that untruth is shifting rapidly, as the lens of mental health is moving from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?’ as research has shown that traumatic experiences are at the root of most of what ails humanity. Many interventions have sprung up in the last two decades to help with trauma, proving that healing is possible. 

One of the great insights of recent research shows us that traumatic memory is essentially a memory that never finished processing. Because of the chemistry that is released in us during periods of overwhelming emotional or physical experience, the part of the brain responsible for conscious memory and processing an experience into long term memory is shut down in full or in part. And the part of our brain that is responsible for sensory emotive memory, setting off our alarm system, and unconscious memory is fully active. Memory in this part of the brain can only be triggered, not consciously recalled. It is also important to understand that art and intuition are tied into this part of the brain and that trauma causes this part of the brain to expand. I think this explains why people who have processed their traumatic memory have a greater capacity as healers and artists.

Sometimes we choose suffering because it is known and familiar. I understand firsthand how change can be a very scary thing. I’ve recently gone through a ‘growth spurt’ after identifying a life-time pattern that was set up in childhood that was still dictating behavior that was causing me pain. After seeing this pattern, it took me days of looking at it, seeing how it caused me to stay in relationships that weren’t good for me. The shocking part was that I could see myself cling to the pattern because it was familiar. It was the first time that I had experienced this with such clarity and I’m grateful for that clarity as it expanded my compassion for others who are stuck in harmful patterns.

So tell me, have you suffered enough?