Everyone has their ‘thing’. I’ve never completely fit. I’m not a young striving millennial on the brink of an exciting life. I’m not an empty-nester. I’m not an empath or in a relationship with a narcissist and I, sadly don’t have a tribe.

The thing about me is that my father died. I’ve read many articles written by people that are dealing with grief and I understand that there’s nothing that can be done to stop it. You just have to let it run its course and do the best you can to adapt because it changes everything.

This is my story but really this is everyone’s story because it’s the one thing that happens to all of us. Regardless of our circumstances or the feelings we have towards the person when they’re alive we all lose someone, someday. We all hurt eventually. We all feel the bittersweet memories of hopes and dreams and possibilities. We all mourn not only the person that’s gone but ourselves. Who we were in their eyes. Who we thought we were. Who we could have been.

My Father was larger than life. Everyone loved him. Within a few minutes of meeting him people were drawn into his sphere and considered themselves lifelong friends. I was my father’s daughter. So, who am I now? Please don’t misunderstand me I am not seeking reassurance. I am standing on the precipice of the rest of my life. Faced with the task of creating myself, becoming the person I always said I wanted to be.

We normally make these decisions when we’re teenagers or in our first years living away from home. We mature and start to work towards those milestones. Unless we don’t. In these days of social media, the milestones have changed. We don’t all have to fit into the nooks and crannies of acceptable society. We love that. We love the fact that all the Facebook memes tell us it’s perfectly okay for us to be different, to dare, to stop dieting and love our bodies, to be fierce and brave and embrace our authentic selves. We love it, but we don’t do it?  We still spend our lives trying to fit, trying to reflect what we see in the media, on the faces of colleagues, in our friends’ posts. We incorporate our ‘strangeness’ into ironic, humorous wall posts.

When something earth shattering happens to us when we’re adults we don’t feel like we have permission to be dramatic. We’re adults, professionals, parents. We just need to get on with the business of living. We’re no longer as attractive as we were when we first struggled with the world. We can’t just go to clubs and get drunk and listen to emotional music. Life is now serious business with no room for drama. So, we harness all our hope and determination and brace ourselves to ‘make changes’, ‘be better’, finally get it all together.

The thing that every adult learns is that you’re the exact same person at 40. One day you blink and you’ve arrived. You don’t feel old or different. At times you don’t feel any more able to ‘get on with it’ than you did when you were very young.

What if things were different?

• What if it doesn’t matter what random Facebook people think of us or if every single person (or anyone at all) approves of us?
• What if the reason we so often feel weary is because of the weight of experience and memories we drag around with us every day? What if we could forget some of those lessons we’ve learned and start to learn new things? What if we didn’t know the things we are so sure we know? What if we are wrong and some of the beliefs we’ve held so close to our hearts just aren’t? What if some of these beliefs aren’t even our own but rather come from our parents or the media or some random thing someone said to us when we were five years old?
• What if we didn’t have to fix anything, ourselves, our bodies, our relationships?
• What if we could eat what we want when we want to and be gorgeous and healthy at the same time? What if worrying about calories, points and ridiculous dietary manipulation is a waste of time and shields you from precious moments of living?
• What if we could have fun? For no reason. Just because.
• What if we were proud of ourselves?
• What if we want to just make art or crafts or read a wonderful book or cook something brilliant or invent something or ride our bikes around our neighborhood and ‘own’ it, or learn to Yodel?
• What if we don’t have much time left now? What if the end will come for us too and if we want to control our story, we need to start doing it now?

I am my father’s daughter and I can carry on his legacy by being brilliant and brave. I am determined to relearn how to be happy. I’m no longer going to live my life as an obligation, with a feeling of duty. I’m going to relish every moment, every taste, every mistake I make or bad mood I fall in to. I’m going to accept that it’s all part of the package. I’m going to grab every chance and memorize the faces of the people in my life. I’m going to travel, and drink way too much strong coffee and while away endless hours reading delicious books and cook wonderful decadent meals. I’ll still show up for the things I need to show up for but only if I can truly want to be there. I am going to reclaim that teenage girl that had far too little experience but plenty of lust for life. I’m going to live as if I have all the time in the world and no time at all. I am writing my own story and I shall dedicate it to my father!

~

Photo: Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash