I awoke, my chest tight, my mind elsewhere and a tear in my eye.

I awoke feeling like I cannot face today. I want to sleep, to hide and to extract myself from the world.

I awoke feeling worthless, a failure and a prisoner to my ego once again.

I awoke ungrateful, lacking compassion and love for myself.

I awoke with gratitude far from my mind, like a stranger un-familiar to its warmth.

I awoke no longer feeling love for myself.

I awoke not feeling my feet and wondering how to rise and stand tall again.

I awoke wanting to reach for the diazepam.

I awoke having surrendered to anxiety.

I awoke feeling devoid of strength and courage.

I awoke feeling suffocated and light headed.

I awoke feeling isolated.

Why, why, why this morning have I lost my way?

Why have I been detoured?

I know that we cannot suffer our future because it does not exist. We can only suffer from our perception of it. I have said this before but I do believe that what we think and perceive is what we create and is what manifests.

This morning I do not believe in myself.

This morning I do not believe in my journey.

This morning I let go of the hand of the universe.

This morning I let go of my spirit, my Sister.

What I am suffering from this morning is my memory, my imagination and past experiences. Today, so far, both have won.

However, a wee spark of light inside me says ‘you can change the way you think, just hold on’.

I’ve been here countless and exhaustive times before over the last 10 Years.

Until we the change the way we think, we will always recycle our experiences and our perceptions and reactions to our circumstances will remain the same. Change can only happen if we implement a plan from within and take it one step at a time.

“At any moment, you have a choice, that leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it”.

~ Thich Nhat Hahn ~

Today, I feel detached from my spirit.

Today I am questioning myself, looking for answers.

Today I am looking down at my feet and not up to the sky in search of my rainbow.

Today I feel paralysed by fear and anxiety.

Today I feel sick.

Today I make noise but fall silent.

Today I feel exhausted.

Today I feel like I am hanging from a thread.

However, I will rise again, this I’m sure of, because there will always be hard days, but they won’t last forever.