Whoa… that’s a bold statement, you’re probably thinking. Who does this chick think she is?

Let’s start there, dear reader. Just who the heck do I think I am?

Let me introduce myself. I’m the woman who once had everything she ever wanted and lost it all… including herself… for a time. I’m the mother that came face-to-face with the sobering reality that she could lose three of her six children at any given moment. I’m the girl that spent years hiding in shame because of the monstrous sexual abuse she endured. And I’m the woman who was so beaten and broken by the continual tragedies in her life that she had to be committed to a psychiatric hospital for her own safety.

So, let’s agree it’s safe to say I know a thing or two about the subject matter at hand… that is, grief, loss, and despair.

And let’s suspend our disbelief about the possibility that these things can actually be good for us, shall we? Just for this moment.

Now let’s assume that I’m right… that there is some sort of an art to despair. What would that look like? Or rather, maybe we should start with the question, what does it NOT look like?

We don’t have to look very far to find the answer to this second question. Let’s look at how modern society tells us to deal with despair, for example. We’re told to suck it up! Be tough! Soldier on! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And for God’s sake… don’t be a whiner! There are people that have had it WAY worse than you did after all. Of course. Of course there are. Who am I to snivel?

Heck, in this day and age, with modern pharmaceuticals, prayer healing, transcendental meditation, neurofeedback, self-help books, talk therapy, EMDR, street drugs, group therapy, inner-child workshops, animal therapy, and booze, all at our immediate disposal, who needs to suffer? There’s just no atrocity so big that it can’t be medicated, repressed, numbed away with drinking, gambling, sexting, or simply buried deep enough. Pick your poison! But be a hero. And never, ever, let them see you cry.

And, if none of that does the trick, rise above it, persevere and SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD. Yes! Be inspiring! Inspire people. Write a how-to book on survival, transformation, awakening, and enlightenment. Be a special guest on Oprah or Larry King. Overcome, overcome, overcome!

But what if we sat with our despair and just allowed it to… hurt? What if grief, loss, and despair were necessary mechanisms designed to break down our contrived egoic personas and draw us further into ourselves… and closer to one another? And what if in so doing, we could reconnect with the raw, unfettered divinity that we were all born with? Because here’s a little secret I’ve learned along the way… that spark of divinity, that true essence of who you are and who you were always meant to be, no matter how tiny or how faded it becomes… never, EVER, goes away.

THAT, my friends, IS the purpose. And that is why things like grief, loss, trauma, despair, devastation, tragedy… well, they’re all inherently for our good… our betterment… our development… our evolution. Sure, nobody WANTS to suffer. I get that. We are biologically wired to avoid pain. But, I think we can agree that since there is no avoiding the pain and suffering that results from grief, loss, and despair… and that this is our inherent birthright as sentient, conscious beings. And if we can agree that this kind of pain is pain with a purpose… a wonderfully liberating, connecting, and healing purpose… we’re much more likely to stop resisting it. The pathway from despair to healing is always THROUGH the pain…there’s no effective way around it.

If our goal is to heal (and why wouldn’t it be), we need get our heads and our hearts wrapped around this concept, as individuals, as families, and as a society. If we can re-frame the way we view despair, perhaps when it comes knocking on our door, as it surely will, we can just allow it. We can lean into it. And we can use for the purpose it was intended.

And while I wouldn’t encourage you to go chasing wildly after destruction with wanton disregard for your own well-being JUST so you can grab hold of this transformative experience, I would also most certainly (and possibly more vehemently) discourage you from exhausting yourself trying to avoid it, ignore it, bury it, or deny it.