I have a question for you. You see, I am a mother of two little ones and after having my second unwanted cesarean in the hospital over four years ago, I’m trying to figure out for the life of me how to raise them while healing from post-traumatic stress due to birth trauma. Shortly after my son was born I started noticing things weren’t quite right. I was sobbing all the time and having flash backs of laying on the surgery table convulsing in terror while my son was being wrenched out of the birth canal, the wrong way, and extracted from the many layers of my bloody abdomen. Unlike many mothers who elect to have a c-section by choice I was not one of them, and the loss that I felt was beyond any trauma I had experienced in the 38 years I’d been on this planet, including my father’s suicide.

And so my journey to heal began. I went to the doctor and was told it wasn’t postpartum depression as I was deeply connected to my son and had no intentions of harming him. Then when my blood work came back normal, regardless of the fact that I had many symptoms of a physical imbalance, they referred me to the psychologist who proceeded to document my very tumultuous childhood and told me I had generalized anxiety, something I knew nothing of previously.

Since then I’ve been to over 40 practitioners from allopathic to holistic and everything in between and from what I’ve learned most conventional doctors, albeit well meaning I’m sure, simply don’t have effective root cause protocols, and in some cases are completely disconnected from the science and reality of true healing, and certainly aren’t supportive of alternative medicine.

Yet many high-profile practitioners, currently all over the media, sound pretty darn confident that they have the answer to true health and healing so I’ve spent thousands upon thousands of dollars and tried a few things. I’ve seen medical doctors and specialists, functional medicine practitioners and holistic nutritionists, energy healers and therapists. I’ve had body talk and whole body thermography, had food sensitivity and electrodermal testing, tried meditation, CranioSacral and EMDR. I’ve seen homeopaths and osteopaths, chiropractors and naturopaths, taken a million supplements, oh the supplements, and even have a prescription for CBD, the holy grail of healers, but none of this has helped me heal.

Along the way I’ve been told that I’m dealing with some pretty crazy stuff like a messed up HPA Axis, stressed thyroid and adrenals, hormone imbalance, SIBO, plastics in my breast, high cortisol, viruses and parasites, Lyme, candida, mold, leaky gut, heavy metal toxicity, environmental toxicity, pesticides and solvents, brain toxicity, malabsorption, global immune stress, and radiation in my body. And what’s even more disturbing is that apparently a number of these issues may also have been passed along to my children either in utero, from birth, breastfeeding or a simple kiss. So I’ve seen another dozen or so practitioners for the kids and been told if I heal myself, I will heal my children. No pressure there.

Hippocrates said, “Let food be thy medicine…” and since I’ve read about the gut-brain connection and how our guts rule all I figured if I changed my diet that might do the trick. I have gone from omnivore to paleo, gluten-free to grain-free, pescatarian to plant based (all organic and non-GMO of course) and still have no idea of what is best. And when I do eat should I graze all day, intermittently fast, do a detox or maybe a whole body cleanse?

I’ve read to use ghee, olive oil, avocado oil, coconut oil—no skip the oil. Fermented dairy, raw dairy, scrap that—dairy causes inflammation. Fermented foods feed the good bacteria—but they also feed bad bacteria and yeast. Probiotics are a must—but they might not work. Organic, grass-fed beef, free range, cage-free chicken and eggs, and wild fish as long as they’re small—nope, vegan is the answer—but honey and bone broth are so healthy aren’t they? Garlic and onions are cancer fighting, but they’ll kill the friendly bacteria in your gut and make you angry. Nuts as long as you soak them and seeds as long as you sprout them. Seaweed—but not too much. Eat beans daily as they’re one of the three healthiest foods around along with fruit and vegetables—wait a minute beans have lectins.

Okay so veggies, eat all the veggies you want, just make sure they’re colorful and raw and organic. Hang on, except nightshades those are bad, and potatoes too, and raw kale is really bad so don’t do that. But the Mediterranean diet is really the best so maybe tomatoes, zucchini and eggplant are okay, just be sure to remove the seeds. So obviously that means pasta in moderation is okay then right? And yes you can eat wheat bread, just make sure you make it yourself, nah, forget that—gluten is the root of all disease and all wheat is GMO. But your body needs grains, but grains are not meant for human consumption, and rice has arsenic—are you kidding me, arsenic?

Then fruit, fruit must be the answer, lots and lots of fruit! But maybe not too much fruit or you’ll get diabetes and always eat it alone or combine it with certain veggies and never after a meal, unless it’s a banana. Actually no, eat an abundance of fruit, especially bananas, with brown spots of course, and mangoes, they’re the best. Don’t forget green smoothies and juices, but only cold pressed, these (especially celery) will heal all. But smoothies and juices are full of sugar and sugar is sugar even if it comes from fruit, so stick to water.

Ah water…make sure you have at least 8 glasses a day, don’t you dare drink tap water that stuff is poison, it must be reverse osmosis, alkaline, remineralized, chlorine and fluoride-free, distilled, spring water—don’t forget to squeeze lemon in it or it’s just dead water and even a pinch of pink Himalayan salt to really bring it alive. NEWS FLASH! Now it’s molecular hydrogen water. WTF is that? But don’t drink with your meals, unless they’re warm drinks, and not for a half hour before or for two hours after a meal. A glass of wine is good with dinner, oh sorry no alcohol, have a ginger tea instead. A couple cups of coffee is really good for you though, but espresso is best, has to be organic and fair trade, uh, actually caffeine probably isn’t a good idea, try chaga, and by the way neither is being on your cell phone—it’s gonna give you a brain tumor—so drop it right now!

Once upon a time I used to load up on Advil every month to get me through the cramps, take Neocitrin when a cold hit, and antibiotics if the doctor ordered, without question. I’d get my nails done and color my hair even though I could barely stand the smell, and lather my skin with whatever was going to make me glow. I never imagined I’d be writing a letter such as this because once upon a time I didn’t give a crap about any of it.

Sure I ate salads and limited my sugar and fast food intake, I drove a Prius and had a little backyard garden but I worked in the mainstream world, commuting daily, traveling to New York and Paris, Mexico and Milan wearing clothes probably made unethically, eating out without questioning where my food came from or what was in it, sleeping with my phone next to my head, ready to respond at any moment, shopping on the weekends as a hobby to fill my home with lovely accessories that I didn’t need.

But now, now I have kids and boy do I give a crap! As I try to heal, I’m also trying to figure out what to feed them, how to care for them so they grow up to be happy, healthy and conscious. I question where we should live, what they should wear and play with, if they should have screen time, what school they should go to, if at all, and don’t even get me started on vaccines; yet still be a part of this world we live in without joining a commune.

So I read, and I read, and I listen to podcasts and watch health summits, I attend “expert” talks and try to learn as much as I can so that I can heal my family, as my marriage crumbles, and still be present while raising these two luminous beings who are feeling the stress and simply don’t deserve this. In the meantime, I’m learning some pretty terrifying stuff and it’s opening my eyes to all the toxicity in this world and the brainwashing we’ve been subjected to and the fact that economy trumps well-being and that our government could care less about our health never mind that of our children.

And believe me I know I’m not alone, but that just makes me angry. So I will continue to fight for my life and all those out there struggling to raise our children, who are the future, while we survive instead of thrive as we are meant to.

So in the words of Eminem, “…won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up, please stand up” and rise from the crowd and confusion and claim your spot as the true healer of our time and tell me how the f*ck am I supposed to heal my family in this backassward world of ours without losing my mind?

In deepest gratitude,

Evan