As we farewell 2018, my heart is overflowing with love and gratitude, for my beautiful family, kindness of friends and the divine guidance that has been with me always but has been especially so this year. 

2018 has brought me to my knees, challenged my emotional state like never before and seen me in my darkest moments that I can recall when we were faced with Holly’s cleft palate diagnosis right after her beautiful birth, not knowing how we were going to get through it, what it all meant, and that I may never breastfeed her.. 

My mind ran away with thoughts and worry, how was I supposed to keep her alive?  What if she aspirated and got an infection like her dad when he was a baby and nearly died? What if I couldn’t produce enough milk, I’d never pumped before in my life!!! 

I went from hero to zero in a matter of days, watching my mental health crumble before my eyes and the devastating effect it was wreaking on my family.. I’d hold it together only to fall apart more than I ever thought was possible, and this was truly frightening. 

For the first time ever, my body, my brain, my whole being was letting me down, I simply couldn’t cope. 

So I had to surrender. 

I had to allow my wonderful husband see me break down completely, to pick me up off the floor, to be completely dependent on him. I had to allow my family and friends to see me in my lowest of lows, I had to accept their help, physical and emotional support, admit total and complete vulnerability. I had to be completely honest with my amazing midwife and lactation consultant and voice that I wasn’t coping, that hubby and I were having communication breakdowns, and allow our post natal visits to turn into couples therapy sessions. For the first time in my adult life I had to allow my mum to see me cry and feel the hurt, never realizing how this would connect and reunite us. 

So I brought down all my walls of what I previously considered to be strength and dignity, preparing to admit defeat only to realize they were false pride, fear and insecurity. I slowly began to see I was being deconstructed by a divine force of life, only to be rebuilt, this time stronger, more resilient and more authentic than ever.. Tears of grief transformed into tears of gratitude and acceptance, and for the first time I truly understood surrender. Letting go of the old to make space for new growth. Discarding the old shell that didn’t fit any more. So this is what they meant by when a baby is born, so is the mother..

I am so humbly grateful to my beautiful Holly for guiding me on this journey, she is a truly wise soul and I am so excited to be her mama ? 

I am so grateful to my beautiful girls Mya and Skye for holding it together while I broke down, for being the brave kind and resilient souls that they are ?

I am so grateful to my amazing husband and family for their loving support, to my incredible friends, I pinch myself sometimes how lucky I am to have you in my life, I absolutely couldn’t have got through this without you.. ?

May you honour your challenges this year and find the silver lining, may you emerge stronger and let your light shine brighter than ever. Wishing you a joyful 2019 and I look forward to journeying together with you xxx