One afternoon in August 2017 I decided to stop everything I was doing and catch my breath. I stopped reading, I stopped writing, and I stopped studying. Whoa whoa whoa hold up, you may wonder, wtf is going on here? Has she lost her damn mind? Is she having a major asthma attack? Holy moly guacamole someone better call 911 ASAP.

Now, now, now you can hold your horses and calm down because there’s nothing wrong with me. Although, I may’ve lost my mind — well that’s what normal people(conformists to be exact) will think by the time they finish reading this article. Now, you’re probably wondering why on earth they’d think that? And wtf does catching my breath have to do with taking charge of my life?

Well, let me break it down like uh:

Catching breath demystified

So, for starters, wtf do I mean when I say that I caught my breath? Well, I don’t actually mean that I caught my breath because I don’t have asthma. So what do you mean then? I mean that I started coming back to life. Because I stopped spending so much of my time doing things that I don’t care about — that sucked the life out of me — like studying, and doing any type of schoolwork/college prep, for that matter, and started spending more time doing the things that I do care about like working my ass off to make the glamour girl go from just a figment of my imagination to a reality.

By now, you’re probably thinking that I woke up that day and out of the blue, willy-nilly, decided to catch my breath. Whereas, in reality, catching my breath was something that happened gradually over time; however, that afternoon in early August was the culmination.

The process of catching my breath and how I got over my obsessions with perfection, popularity and people pleasing

So how the hell did it happen? Well, technically, it’s kind of a long story that goes all the way back to 6th grade(a long story that I’ll share with you later on my blog if you care to read it that is). However, the process of catching my breath didn’t actually begin until high school. It initially began on the 1st day of my freshman year when I wrote on my AP World goal sheet that I didn’t want to memorize bullshit to pass tests(I only wrote that because my teacher told us he wouldn’t read our goal sheets).

But it didn’t truly begin until the 2nd semester of my freshman year— shortly after I stopped dwelling in the past. What the fuck am I talking about? Long story short, for now at least, in 8th grade I created The GGR(The Glamour Girl Revolution) — a new and improved self improvement plan that would replace the flawless routine. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out the way I planned; as a result, I became very upset. So upset that I began thinking about what 8th grade and the 1st week of high school would’ve been like if only I’d done all the things that I should’ve done back when I had the chance. Not only did I waste so much time dwelling in the past, I also constantly beat myself up over my past mistakes that led to my failure to become the popular, perfect, glamour girl.

Anyways, so back to how catching my breath happened. So, as I was saying, it all started during 2nd semester of my freshman year — shortly after I finished dwelling in the past for the last time and decided to move on. Move on to what you may ask? To fantasizing about the teenage glamour girl’s perfect life and all the good times she was having that I wasn’t having. Somewhere along the way, I decided(out of the blue this time around) that I didn’t want the glamour girl to be a goody two shoes anymore — I wanted her to be a bad girl.

Why? Because I felt like the goody two shoes glamour girl was boring and way too prudish(ok maybe I’m exaggerating but tbh I was a bit of a prude back in 8th grade when I came up with the GGR). Anyways, back when I created the goody two shoes glamour girl in 8th grade(peep my blog if you want to know more about the GGR) I was a good girl who thought that I wasn’t good enough(ugh makes me cringe just thinking about it). That’s why I aspired to be a perfect, popular, athletic, glamorous, goody two shoes who didn’t make any mistakes, got straight A’s, and was loved and admired by everyone around her.

But then during the 2nd semester of my freshman year(don’t know when tbh) I changed my mind. I decided that the new “rebellious glamour girl”(as I liked to call her back then) who broke the rules(think underage drinking, wearing skimpy clothes, premarital sex, and sneaking into rated R movies before turning 17) was more fun and exciting than the prudish, boring, good girl so I tweaked my GGR to reflect this change.

However, the “rebellious glamour girl” would still be like the “good girl” in the sense that she wouldn’t make any mistakes(because she’s flaw flaw less), she’d get straight A’s, and she’d still be popular, athletic, and glamorous. So, let me get this straight, you’re saying that she’d be 100% perfect? That’s impossible, you may think, because we’re all human and we humans occasionally fuck up don’t we? So how could she possibly be perfect?

Well, she’s not perfect in the sense that she doesn’t make any mistakes at all she’s perfect in the sense that she, unlike me the “slob queen”(peep my blog for more info about my GGR lingo), doesn’t make stupid mistakes that piss off her parents. This is because she would’ve already mastered the art of pleasing the adults in her life back in her “average girl” days. She also doesn’t fuck up as much as “slob queen” does. That’s because she’s always one step ahead of the game(she’s able to this because she always plans ahead).

Anyways, it took me a while before I realized that my obsessions with perfection, popularity, and people pleasing were problematic. It took me a while before I realized that my obsessions with these things were unrealistic, unnecessary, and ridiculous. It took me a while before I finally decided to start catching my breath.

But I came to these realizations slowly, slowly, ever so slowly. It all started with the creation of the “rebellious glamour girl” which signified the bare beginnings of my breakaway from wanting to be the perfect, good girl who fits in and does everything that she’s supposed to do to the bad bitch who’s in control of her life and doesn’t give a fuck.

However, I remained in this so called “rebellious glamour girl” fantasy stage until the summer after my sophomore year of high school.

It was then (after I wrapped up my fantasies of the teenage glamour girl’s summer ‘15, 16, 17, and 18) that I stopped thinking about high school popularity and the teenage glamour girl’s amazing life as the stereotypical perfect girl and began thinking about the bigger picture. That’s when I began asking myself these big picture questions: What the hell would the teenage glamour girl do post high school? What the hell would the grown up glamour girl be like?

It was then that I began(little by little, step by step like I’m into new kid) to develop a contrarian mindset. It was then that I began contemplating entrepreneurship(as a means to greatness, which became the new goal of my GGR instead of popularity) rather than mere employment. It was then that I began contemplating building a successful fashion business that would make me a rich, powerful boss bitch. It was then that I came up with the idea for a flying car business. It was then that I began to start expressing my contrarian views via my annotations in my assigned summer reading book “My Beloved World” by Sonia Sotomayor.

In it, I criticized our current education system(I had many more annotations but this one was particularly noteworthy and most relevant to this blog post) because it puts a lot of emphasis on obedience & conformity(so glad I’m finally free from that now :).

Then, during my junior year I took more steps towards this breakaway by sitting on my own at lunch(instead of finding my so called “friends” to sit with) and not being ashamed of it for the first time, unlike my 7th grade self. I also dropped out of a drawing class that I hated during the second semester of my junior year after about two weeks or so.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldnt’ve dropped the class because my mind would tell me that “I might as well get through it even though I hate it; despite the fact that there are better ways of earning my fine arts credit. Because, after all, I only have about 5 months of school(or prison as I like to call it) left.” Luckily, I ignored that thought and in the process unknowingly told sunk cost fallacy to fuck off.( I didn’t know what sunk cost fallacy was at the time; however, I did find out what it was at the beginning of my senior year and I have this article,which I highly suggest peeping, from the Discover Praxis blog to thank for that).

Because, tbh, sunk cost fallacy is a bitch that keeps you miserable by telling you that you have to finish X because you already put so much time/money into X. Or you might as well finish X because you’re almost done with X. Despite the fact that finishing X won’t do you any good because X isn’t helping you — but rather hurting you — like you thought it would.

Additionally, I also expressed more of my contrarian views in an essay I wrote for English class(wish I could show it to you but I can’t because my school email was shut down after graduation and stupid me didn’t think to move it to my personal email). In it, I boldly declared that individuals are more important than members of society; because individuals change the world and create the society that we live in. Whereas, members of society are mere sheep who do nothing but consume what others have made.

Then, finally, I took another small step towards breaking away and taking charge of my life when I decided not to come to school on the official last day. Why you may ask? Because that was finals review day and I was exempt from finals due to the fact that I already finished my final projects for my 2 AP classes and I got A’s in my other classes.

As a result, I told myself that idgaf about the last day because there’s nothing in it for me; and I sure as hell don’t give a fuck about the last day party. So, I told myself you know what fuck what they say because the school year ends when I say so. And I say that the last day for me is 5/25/17 instead of 5/26/17. Why? Because one: I’m exempt from finals so I don’t need the review; this meant that my time would be better spent studying for the SAT. Two: I’m so fucking done with school at this point and just want it to end, goddamn it, so that I can start catching my breath already. Three: I fucking hate school(especially high school that was the worst).

Then, on my unofficial last day, which I convinced my dad to excuse me for (by telling him it was pointless and that I needed to study for the SAT), I made a very lofty declaration to myself. It was that I wanted to be the most powerful black woman the world has ever seen(damn girl you dream big don’t you yeah I know).

But I still believed that in order for me to achieve this lofty goal I had to be the good girl I’ve always had to be and stick to the status quo. And sticking to the status quo meant studying for the SAT because that’s part of the life script that you’re “supposed to follow.”

The same life script that’s been shoved down my throat unknowingly(didn’t dawn on me till Aug. 2017) since my elementary school days. You know the one that tells you that you’re supposed to do well in school so that you can get into a good college then you have to do well in college so that you can get a good job. Once you get the good job you’re supposed to get married, start a family, then get a house with a white picket fence in some boring suburb; where you’ll spend the rest of your bland, boring life doomed to oblivion until you die.

If that’s my destiny then shit someone better shoot me right fucking now. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to spend the rest of my days bored out of my fucking mind, day in and day out, with my mediocre, pathetic life.

But, alas, I did what I was supposed to do for the majority of my summer(grudgingly of course and mainly because I was still living with my dad). However, I started getting fed up with SAT prep because it was ruining my summer(which was very precious to me because it was the only time that I could “catch my breath” yet I was spending it studying for a meaningless, 4 hour and 7 minute standardized test that I had no interest in whatsoever) and interfering with my GGR(that still has yet to be completed). Eventually, I reached my tipping point when I became so fed up that I stopped studying for the SAT and began catching my breath.

It was then that I began to start questioning one key aspect of the life script and the cornerstone of the American dream — college. Because the only reason why I was doing all this SAT prep was because I knew that in order for me to get into a good college I had to have a good SAT score. And in order for me to succeed in life I need college. In order for me to become the most powerful black woman the world has ever seen I need college.

So, I began to wonder do I really need college? Are there better ways of becoming successful that don’t involve wasting my time doing things that don’t interest me and quite frankly aren’t necessary? (I mean come on is it really necessary for me to spend 12–13 years of my life memorizing bullshit to pass tests, perfecting the art of essay writing, learning advanced math, and a bunch of other bullshit just to pass a bunch of stupid tests that have no meaning in the real world?)

So then I began to look to the internet(specifically google) to find the answers that I was yearning for. It was then that I stumbled upon Discover Praxis(a site that I highly recommend peeping especially their blog). It was then that I stumbled upon various other sites that echoed my sentiments(Zak Slayback’s blog was particularly influential to me especially his rebuttal to 10 common pro college arguments). It was then that I stumbled upon Steve Jobs commencement speech to Stanford(a speech I highly recommend peeping btw). This speech in addition to Zak Slayback’s blog, the Discover Praxis blog, this article, and this quote strengthened my belief that college for the most part(exceptions given to any aspiring doctors or lawyers) is unnecessary.

To everyone who told me that I need to stick to the status quo, be a good girl & fit in: Fuck you because the old Chinyere can’t come to the phone right now — she’s dead

But, alas, I must admit that it took me some time before I let these contrarian ideas sink in because they go contrary to everything I’ve been told and made to believe. However, I eventually came to believe(after peeping various blogs and reading success stories about others who’ve gone against the grain like MLK, Rosa Parks, Zuckerberg, Gates, etc.) that I can truly live life on my own terms. That I don’t have to let other people(my parents, teachers, principals, guidance counselors, and my fellow peers) tell me what’s supposed to be right. That I don’t have to keep doing things that I hate just to please other people. That I don’t have to keep catching my breath and then letting it go.

I’ve spent most of my life being the good girl I was supposed to be, and trying so hard to fit in and please everyone instead of living life for myself; but now I’m ready to put all that behind me, embark on a revolutionary journey, and start taking charge of my life.