Leaving a narcissistic partner can feel like a crazy game of Snakes and Ladders

Are you reading this because you’ve picked up the dice and are preparing to ‘play’?

See if you can identify the Snakes and Ladders squares in your own situation (I’ve done the first couple for you) you may recognise certain stages already, and you will identify with various squares as you read on

Confusion Squares, You climb that ladder of happiness and reach the ‘in a stable relationship’ point but there are moments when you catch yourself wondering, did that massive argument really happen, or am I being too sensitive?  Slide down the snake.

Your world is settled, you are in a seemingly strong, loving relationship [Ladder!].  With occasional bouts of sheer misery when you feel you have done something wrong/upset them and you don’t know how to put it right. [Snake] You’ve broken some hitherto unknown rule.  Experiencing moments like these when you land on a Confusion Square is ‘normal’.  Eventually, you begin to recognise them and even give them names: kitchen-gate and birthday-gate are two familiar ones!  In summary, you are the best partner in the world and then suddenly – you’re not. Apologies, skirting around issues and carefully tiptoeing on eggshells become your standard behaviour…

Realisation Squares (LONG Ladder!)

To land on one of these squares can take you weeks, months even years of being in the confusion state.

Now you begin to take notes, possibly even keeping a diary. Maybe you have finally confided in someone who listened and believed you. You find the words to describe what the swirling emotions and reactions in your heart look and feel like.

A vague pattern emerges out of the corner of your eye.  You give your confusion a name, an identity, and by doing so, it becomes a realisation.

A light bulb ignites, shining through your confusion, revealing a…. ‘realisation square’ which lifts a huge weight, This is fantastic news, don’t you agree?!  Elation floods through you, of course, how silly of ME!    This is swiftly replaced with…. allow me to introduce…

Responsibility Square. (LONG, winding snake)

Now you can ‘fix’ your situation.   You take responsibility for most of the things that were wrong in your relationship because now you KNOW!

Easy!

If only you tried harder, made more of an effort, became a better person.  Controlled your hormones better.  Kept the house in a Zen-like, calmer level of tidiness. Meditated. Parented the children better, organised everyone’s lives better, cooked better, became an expert in bed, your relationship would be put back on track and everything would be OK.

Perhaps you attend relationship counselling, seeking a referee of sorts, needing validation that you can mend your relationship so that those heady, romantic early days will make a triumphant return!

Feels like you’re finally climbing a ladder on that board game, doesn’t it?  Progress is being made, you’re talking like two loving, understanding adults….  This ‘ladder’ is quite often a snake in disguise.

A narcissist is a highly intelligent, manipulative person who will put this new-found psychological information to even better use within your relationship.  Using phrases, and techniques towards you, creating even more confusion.   Sadly, it’s a square you are unable to avoid landing on.  You KNOW that you at least have to TRY, to save your relationship.  Do it, it may reveal ways to heal your situation but if it’s an emotionally abusive relationship (if you’ve read this far, I would suggest it probably is) then treat any form of couple counselling with care

Other healing tactics could come in the form of romantic weekends away, having copious amounts of mind-blowing time in the bedroom (I mean if it’s this good – you MUST be right for each other – surely???). Or simply talking, creating special evenings just for the two of you.  Perhaps this is what you both need and in which case – bookmark this point and stop reading now, but just in case you’re still not sure….

For a while, it will work.   Your partner will become a perfect Prince Charming.  You’ll cry together, gain a greater understanding of each other, fall in love all over again.  Maybe you can save your relationship.  You have to try, don’t you? Romantic bliss arrives, lasting weeks, months, possibly even years, it feels wonderful again, however, something doesn’t feel quite right, but you can’t put your finger on why.  Without warning…you break a ‘rule’ – one you weren’t even aware of and everything goes dark, you slide down that slippery, coiled snake, back to square one, all over again….

Realisation Square #2 #3 #4 #5 and so on….

It’s not you, it’s them.  Confusion, realisation, responsibility.  You land on these squares, time and time again.  Then one day it hits you. You’ve thrown a double six on the dice, It. Must. Stop.  You have one life; do you really want to spend it like this for the remainder?

Fear Squares

You are now facing a new adversary – in the shape of the person you love.  Confusion makes a brief return.  Google becomes your friend and the incognito tabs a closer one.  MI5 have nothing on your newly developed subterfuge skills  *cue Mission Impossible Music here*   How can you leave this relationship?  How will you (and the kids/dog/cat) survive?  Self-doubt nestles on your shoulder, whispering words of paranoia in your ear.     If you weren’t keeping a diary before – you begin to make notes, planning, recording, anything to keep you sane. To look back on, to reassure yourself that you are not skimming the dark edges of madness. On the outside, nothing has changed, on the surface – everything appears stable, happy and ‘normal’.  To a casual observer, you epitomise couple goals. Your partner is well loved and admired by others.   Inside you are scared, constantly stressed and a bundle of whirling emotions.  Self-care becomes a vague memory.  Just in time, you land on the:

Knowledge Square

Now you and google are intimately acquainted, you discover that there is a whole new world out there of (predominately women) and men in the same situation.  Scary stories abound, negative outpourings are commonplace.  A whole new, evil, thorn-riddled, rabbit hole opens up and without a second thought, you dive in, heart first, hungry for information. After all, it couldn’t make things any worse with the way you’re feeling right now could it!?  Only you can decide.  Whirling and sliding uncontrollably down this tunnel, discovering words and phrases such as Emotional Abuse, EA, Narcissist, NPD, co-dependency, empath, the list goes on.  You discover that it is a CRIME – how the hell do you prove it?!  You become friends with people going through almost identical experiences and swap horror stories. Desperately attempting to alleviate your confusion whilst simultaneously increasing your knowledge.  You no longer feel alone or insane. You land with an ‘Alice in Wonderland’ style bump.  Dusting yourself off, you try to stand – only to realise you are squeezed into a tiny space…. just like Alice….

Survival Square #1

Knowledge becomes a trapeze – swinging you between confusion and fear as you pendulum desperately, reaching out, longing to be caught mid-air by someone, anyone who can help you.  Remember all trapeze artists have a safety net at first.  You are now outside your comfort zone.  Sharpen those trapeze skills – you’re going to need them.. as you will spend more time than you’d like landing on confusion and fear squares.  You can decide how long you spend on each, but you WILL land on them many times.

I have spent the last few years experiencing, observing and learning from each of these ‘squares’  They really do exist, perhaps there are variations on your ‘snakes and ladders’ board.  Identifying with them helps you to make sense of what is happening in your life.  Be reassured, you are close to landing on the

Strength square

You gradually build up a support network.  Counsellors, friends going through similar situations. on-line, anonymous forums, Domestic Abuse support groups, (you have admitted to yourself that you are experiencing this haven’t you?)  Self-development begins, self-awareness increases and coupled with knowledge and understanding, your strength develops.  You gain the ability to snap those ties which wrap you tightly with fear and powerlessness. Doing whatever it takes to (safely) break free.  New bindings appear when you’re not looking, don’t worry, these are the results of your increased self-awareness.  They were always there, you simply couldn’t see or acknowledge them at the time.  Take heart, you’re throwing more sixes on the dice and progressing up those ladders faster than ever.

Numerous attempts to reach the final square on this crazy version of Snakes and Ladders game will frustrate you.  Understand and accept this.  One day you will land on that final square.  You will have built up enough strength to finally leave this unhealthy relationship.

A tsunami of relief hits you…. You’ve landed on a new, crazy board game now….

Take heart, you’ve done so well to recognise what has been happening in your relationship.  Half the battle is understanding your situation.  Then you can begin to seek help and support. You find the strength, the knowledge and the network.  You will come through this a better person.  I’ll share more of my ideas and thoughts in further articles.    With love and light.