Raise A Glass To Your Tribe

Life is not all happy moments and good times. Life is a mix of highs and lows and even stagnants. Life is going through the dark times so that we can learn and grow and appreciate the lighter times. It is in the hard times that we find our strength and learn big life lessons. The dark times test us. We learn more about who we are and what we are truly capable of when we are challenged and asked to rise up. And when we do rise, we shine our light and can enjoy the highs even more, as a new version of ourselves. It’s about growth and becoming.

So why do we hide these times, this growth and the ‘darker’ part of us from the world? What would it look like if we shared our true selves?

Maybe we hide because we are ashamed of how low we can actually feel? Maybe we are afraid to be vulnerable and let others see that side of us? Maybe we are ashamed to admit our ‘human-ness’ and our mistakes? Maybe we need to maintain the appearance that we have it all together, just like all of the other smiling faces we see on social media ? While that self is great and amazing and it shows off all of the good parts of us, it makes us seem less real and too ‘perfect’. Not many of us are brave enough to share the raw and the vulnerable sides too. We feel like we all have to live up to “facebook perfection”. We look at all the smiles and happy moments on facebook and think, “well they have it all together so what is wrong with me?

  “Guess what? That is not real life. Life is not just the happy moments and the smiles. Life is the highs and the lows. The dark and the light. The tears and the smiles. The mistakes and pain and the light that comes from there.

And while I want to stay hidden behind my smiling posts, and am afraid to share my truths and afraid of being judged-I also can not continue to keep quiet. So…. I am being brave enough to share a small piece of me today. Maybe it can help someone else in hiding. If I actually share this writing, please know it took a lot of courage and guts to do so. I probably hit the ‘share’ button while hiding under a blanket.  But here it goes because…

this is me!  

 Where I am in life right now is not the smiling faces that you may see me posting.  While I have happy moments that are slowly becoming more and more, I had hit what a few of my friends like to call ‘rock bottom’. I have been in the proverbial darkness. I am hurting and growing, losing and gaining, and soul searching and hoping to become stronger.
A lot can happen in a year.  A year ago, I was ‘momming’ and ‘wifing’. I was adjusting to an unconventional life as a new, but quickly turned, best friend and her son moved in with my family as we moved into a new home. I was unpacking a brand new house, setting up new bedrooms, figuring out where two more people fit into our family and our new home. We had opened our hearts and our home to them as we supported them through the sudden loss of her husband; a very dark time in her life.  In the middle of all of that I was meeting new neighbors, kids were starting new schools, I was building a new home office and keeping my cool as we went along.

Through many late night talks and lots of tears and emotional support, I was discovering strengths in myself that I never knew I had. As I sat by my friend in her darkest hour I was learning how to be there for someone on another level. I was seeing life differently, and perhaps more clearly,  through her perspective of loss. I was also cultivating some new and most amazing friendships in our neighborhood and closely in my life. My friendship with her was one of them – she was just like me in her heart and ability to connect. But her heart was broken, and she needed someone and we connected in a unique way that was helping her survive…. It was a time of a lot of big emotions for me.

I was hurting….. Shortly after our move I unexpectedly lost some very close friendships. I have been hurt so many times in the past and lost many friendships – so facing another unraveling friendship was not easy, especially in the midst of my new journey.  I was also hurting and scared for my friend in her darkness. I was following my heart in very uncharted territory – going against the grain of ‘normal’ to help another. I was doing the best I knew how to help her through but always questioned every move- I only wanted what was best for her, her son, myself and my family.

I was fearful… because of those past unraveled friendships. It made going into this new living situation and new ‘tribe’ I was building seem scary for me. To say I wear my heart on my sleeve and jump all in is an understatement… I mean, I invited my friend to live with us as a way to help her through. If that isn’t heart on sleeve and ‘all in’ then I do not know what is. I have learned that this is just who I am and I do not know how to love in halves… while I have also paid for this quality in myself with heartbreak and loss throughout the years, and more recently, I have also met some amazing people along the way. I am not willing to stop being me so I am learning to take the risks that go along with that. So there I was jumping all in-losing some friends and gaining some truly incredible ones.
I took the leap-hoping I would not fall… and there were so many ways I could. Hoping I was able to handle this weight. With my newly added to tribe, these new people coming into my life felt like my calling, where I was meant to be… so I jumped in with both feet.
On the flip side the positive emotions during that time were huge…

I was filled with love and gratitude for my family. The amount of openness and support my husband provided while going through all of this was amazing. When so many others turned their backs he reminded me to question what ‘normal’ is and to just follow my heart.

I was hopeful. Overall I felt like the luckiest person in the world to have my beautiful family, a new home and to be able to share this home with a friend who needed a deeper connection to survive her pain. To top it off, I  had found a few budding friendships that were the missing pieces to my tribe. With this new amazing tribe and the closeness and connections within, it seemed unbreakable. I was hopeful for a future where my tribe was finally secure and I did not have to keep losing people closest to me… because my people are my passion and losing my people hurt too much – more than I ever let my lost people know. I was ready to be done with that.

I was on high. A high that did not come easy and without risks and weight. But I had this crazy feeling of being where I was meant to be in life, being on this path and given this weight for a reason and I was ready to carry it.
But that was all a year ago. This year, right now, today, I am not OK. I am learning it’s OK not to be OK (it doesn’t feel like it, but that’s how we grow, right?)
I made some mistakes this past year, I was not alone in that but I tend to take on the blame. I have judged myself, given myself no compassion, hated myself for how some things turned out.  I never intended to hurt anyone, that is not in my nature. But things happened, human emotions got too complicated and people in my tribe got hurt, including myself. There are things I wish I could take back or do differently. And maybe if I had I could still have my tribe. So this year, where I am right now, I have lost a lot of what I had and where I was and it hurts like hell. And no, I am not OK.
During this year I also have gained a lot about myself, who I am and what I want from life. I am working on finding my voice and living my truth, but these things take time. This transformation takes strength, courage and a hell of a lot of hard work and soul searching, which can be pretty scary and lonely feeling at times.

I am learning that its OK to break the mold and to be different. I can do things my own way and not the way everyone says it ‘should’ be. This is my journey and mine alone to live, love and discover. I am learning that life is full of possibility. I am learning that no matter what many of us think….

“Love is like sunlight. You can give all of yourself to someone and still have all of yourself to left to give to others, and to yourself. To anything or anyone you choose. It’s not a finite resource.”~Jacqueline Koyanagi

That realization is liberating!

This year, and especially lately, I have had a few people show up like I never thought possible-to sit with me in my own darkness as I have done many times for others. I have never really needed people in that way before and when they showed up for me, it meant the world. I have connected with a few very special people on my journey.  Some that have been with me for years and others that entered more recently. People who are like me and do not love in halves-who love no matter what. These are the ‘ I want to give you the world’ kind of people. They are the wear their heart on their sleeves, jump all in kind of people… and you do not find that in just anyone. They love, friend and connect just like I do… And for their love and support I am forever grateful. I am also terrified to continue to connect and potentially lose more.  But here I am, still taking that leap. Because… this is me.

So, to the friends of my past that I have lost… I see you. And I miss you.  I moved on, but I will never forget you. I always hope the best for you and want to see you succeed in this life. Thank you for being a part of my journey for however long or short you were in my life.

To my people that are still on this journey with me-thank you-from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the beautiful life lessons you have taught, and are still, teaching me. Thank you for loving me unconditionally; all of me, even the flawed, imperfect, not so smiley side of me. Thank you for showing me love and compassion, especially in times when I have lost it for myself.  Thank you for showing me a friendship and love that goes as deeply as I do. Thank you for being you and not walking away. Thank you for allowing me to be me and not being afraid of all of my sides. Thank you for allowing me to share my lows and encouraging me to speak my truths, love myself, see my own light and be true to myself. We can all only hope that these are the friendships that show up in the darkness. These are the beams of light that will guide us through.  We can learn that in sharing our true self with others, people are actually more accepting and loving of all of our parts then we thought they would be. We can learn that we are not alone and others have faced similar times.

And to these same friends … Sometimes things are hard. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes we get busy. Sometimes we hurt too much to ask for help. Sometimes we have to make time for ourselves just to survive. But I promise to always be there for you as you have so bravely shown up for me. I promise not to judge and not to make assumptions in the times when all you need is compassion. I know how much judgement hurts and how assumptions can ruin even the best of relationships. I promise to see you and to just be, to love and give like I always have. I promise I will still fear the burn, but it will not stop me, because maybe this time will be different. And even if it’s not, even if time painfully unravels yet another friendship, if I were to love you in any other way then I would not be being true to me, or you…

This is me!

Take me or leave me.

This is who I am!
So I am raising a glass to my tribe – the ones I have lost, the ones I hold close from afar and the ones still with me because….
“Your capacity to love is limitless. The only thing stopping you is the way you think.”

And because

“Perfection is an illusion. We are all f’d up. It’s not always going to feel good, because it’s not supposed too. You came here to learn how to love. Stop waiting. Go find your tribe and love them hard, without conditions.” ~Brooke Hampton

It’s OK not to be OK – just do not stop moving, believing, growing… and loving.  Be true to you!