Sharp, searing, shooting pain that stabs, and carves a destructive path through your body. If you’ve never experienced this type of pain before, count your blessings because this is my reality, and I’m not the only one whom deals with this incessant pain. The sleepless nights, the skin crawling exhaustion that you can never escape, mirrored with crying in a ball enduring pain that you cannot describe, and nothing can make it go away. This is the reality for millions of people who suffer from chronic pain. Everyone experiences pain differently, so it’s hard to quantify pain in general but the reality is we are severely lacking in the health department for chronic pain patients. I was diagnosed with schwannomatosis in 2016, I know it sounds made up but it’s a legit disease and it sucks. Short hand version, I grow tumors in my nerves throughout my body. I started developing these tumors when I was 18 or 19, I’m 31 now. I went undiagnosed for 11 years and was put on a plethora of medications, and have had over 8 surgeries. Throughout my journey with chronic pain, never once did a doctor suggest meditations or hypnosis or any alternative solutions. Their choices were pills or surgeries. Before I found my regimen that helps me live a happy life now, my only option that somewhat helped my pain was Percocet. If you’ve never been on opioids before, they make you feel like a zombie. You still have the pain but it makes it bearable to where you don’t care. I hated living my life on opioids, I was miserable mentally and I still had the pain. My health was fading rapidly; I stopped eating because opioids do that too, I couldn’t do the activities I once loved and cherished. This disease has taken a lot from me, and I had to navigate this on my own with the support of my husband and family. 

There are no handbooks to teach you how to deal with life after being diagnosed with a horrible disease, having your father die in a horrific car crash, to having brain surgery, and not to mention all the myriad of issues that follow suit from all of this trauma that you’ve endured. Life happens and sometimes you either face it and find your way, or you drown and let it take you down the river. I’m not the type to just be swept away or swept under the rug. I fought to be who I am today and it wasn’t easy. Many times I fell and tried giving up, but somehow I got back up. Being in 24/7 pain changes you not only physically but mentally as well. You have to learn how to cope, and live your life with chronic pain because guess what…. it never really goes away, so you learn to live differently. Before I found my regimen, I thought about killing myself more than 5 times a day. I couldn’t think of the future because it scared me to envision what I would look like or be like. Would I be able to walk? I can’t drive anymore, so is my ability to walk leaving me as well? I would have severe panic and anxiety attacks, luckily I found cannabis to help the anxiety and the pain.

Before cannabis though, it was Percocet; my husband and I use to live in Dallas, TX and as you know, marijuana is illegal in Texas. We went to Colorado to visit family, and I tried cannabis to see if it would help because I was wanting to get off of Percocet. Well, turns out marijuana really is as great as everyone has been saying, and it helped me. So we made a decision, after extensive research into my disease and facilities to help me, we found UW in Seattle, WA; not only do they have specialists that deal with my disease but marijuana is legal. SO we moved across country, and I am so grateful we did. But this isn’t about my story really, this is to shed light on the dark underbelly of chronic pain, and what patients are dealing with. Our health care is silently killing us. Even after my diagnosis, the doctors still didn’t know what would help me, and experimented with different medications to no avail. Through my own research I found cannabis, kratom, meditations and hypnosis. 

My life has change drastically since the move but the option of being able to use marijuana over opioids is a gift from God. I honestly don’t understand why our government refuses to let people use marijuana, other than to satiate the hungry greed of the pharmaceutical companies. It makes sense, if health insurance covered cannabis, they would lose money on their opioids. But now that we have such a horrific opioid epidemic, doctors are feeling the pressure to minimize pain meds to chronic pain patients. In doing so, people are turning to street drugs like heroine, or they’re committing suicide. I understand that darkness, that need of reprieve from the incessant pain but nothing the doctors are giving you are helping, they’re actually causing more issues. I was on Lyrica, and it wasn’t helping my pain at all but the doctor kept saying it takes time, give it time, it builds up, etc. Well, after being on it for 2 weeks I had a mental break down over a cup. I freaked out on my husband because he left a cup over at our neighbors house; insane, I know. In the midsts of this break down, I come to my senses and realize I’m freaking out over a simple cup. That isn’t who I am;  I was feeling so confused, and out of control. So I made the choice and stopped Lyrica. I have many more examples, one “pain med” which was actually an antidepressant, made me exorcism-style vomit, non-stop for hours. My husband almost took me to the emergency room, but I’m stubborn and refused to go, but that’s another story. The doctor said if I pushed through the first 72 hours, the medication should help the pain….I’m sorry, I’m not going to vomit and deal with that for 72 hours, that’s asinine.  These are not uncommon stories in the chronic pain community. Doctors aren’t allowed to prescribe alternative options or they don’t acknowledge there are alternative options, and they’re having to cut chronic pain patients’ meds in the mean time. By doing this, we are asking for not only an epidemic in opioids, street drugs, but also in suicides. To not find relief from chronic pain can make you go crazy. You lash out at the people around you because your tolerance for anything is nonexistent. You’re so exhausted from tossing and turning, and crying in pain all night; you can imagine how this takes a toll emotionally. I’ve tried to kill myself, because I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. Luckily, I didn’t succeed but this shouldn’t be the normal story for chronic pain patients but it is. 

Our government has created an epidemic in epic proportions, and they are failing drastically in fixing it. It almost feels like they’re trying to sweep us under the rug. It’s sad that we have no voice or choice in our health care. If things don’t change soon, I don’t want to see what the repercussions will be. A lot of people in my chronic pain support groups are getting their opioids cut back, or cut off completely with no back up plan. Chronic pain patients are having to seek out methadone clinics or they are turning to street drugs. I’m blessed that I found alternative options for myself, but there are people out there that are not so lucky. They either live in a state where marijuana is illegal or they just don’t know enough about it because the doctors don’t give you any other options. We need to work together to fix this. I guarantee you know someone in your life that has been touched by this problem. The only way we can start to make a change is by starting a dialogue, and when that happens people come together to find a solution. This isn’t just going to go away. Remember to vote, stand up for our rights even when others can’t stand on their own. Be the voice for the voiceless and the forgotten. We are better than this, and can do better than this. Please be kind to one another because you don’t know what battles someone may be fighting. Follow me on YouTube at AMC The Alternative Medicine Channel.