Addiction: an inability to stop doing or using something, especially something harmful.

I have been running from fear and anxiety for years and I recognise that I am an addict and a prisoner to both and both of which, I have come to rely on and take comfort from their familiarity. This addiction has caused me profound pain physically and mentally, personal loss and at times a plethora of life changing effects to my health.

My ego has relentlessly controlled my thoughts and feelings and as a consequence, I judged myself, criticised myself, shamed myself and rejected the very essence of who I was. I existed only in the shadows of my anxieties and my fears held me there. Having not lived in the light and warmth of love for some time, I see that the way forward is inward and this year I have devoted to healing and loving myself back to life. This will be a year of personal exploration and transformation.

In October 2018, I started from rock-bottom again. I stepped forward with great trepidation as I took a huge leap of faith. I began to share my thoughts and experiences via my blog and sought to challenge my emotional addictions and limitations. I wanted to live again.

Through meditation and journaling (something I have never done before) has enabled me to explore and acknowledge the causes of years of self-destructive thought patterns and the repetitive behaviours that have brought me immense pain and emotional burden.

This acknowledgement has brought about a higher consciousness, thus grounding and allowing me to recognise and challenge the very roots and triggers of these life-long emotions; many of which were self-inflicted. Some however, were caused by the demands and expectations placed upon me by my peers, family and societal expectations, but the responsibly to process and manage these expectations and demands, are mine and mine alone.

As I have stripped back my deepest thoughts and past recollections and whilst there is still much work to be done, I have been able to tap in to this newly found awareness, be mindful of past struggles and recognise that hope is the only thing stronger than fear and is indeed the last thing ever lost. I am not what happened to me, but I am what I choose to become, and I know that hope is something I had never lost, but rather like courage, it was hidden from me by my fear’s shadow.

For me, one of the relentless symptoms of anxiety is self-doubt. Self-doubt has brought with it many painful situations, obstacles and limiting beliefs over the years. As a consequence and at times, I just ’existed’ and accepted what was, only to go through some parts of my life with my eyes closed. Wearily ‘on and off’, I have ‘coped’ with life and its persistent challenges and what has felt like a relentless struggle. I have been an anxiety addict and prisoner to my fears all of my life! My ego has been persistent in its taunts, “you’ll never measure up”, “you’re not good enough” and I believed that I wasn’t ‘good enough’, nor was I worthy of love and happiness and that both only belonged and happened to others.

I am now more than ever aware that it is not shameful to be anxious or fearful and that it does not have to dictate how we live our lives or the path that we take. However, I sometimes find that knowing that the responsibility is solely mine to address these fears and historic fear-based thought systems, can be very over-whelming, especially when we feel alone and are sat upon the rocking chair that is our emotions, where concentrating on fear and anxiety gives us something to do, but like the rocking chair, gets us nowhere and so we remain ‘frozen’.

With courage we can share our struggles and bring about positive change, unity and understanding of mental health issues and addiction. Together, I believe that humanity can achieve great things, especially when we reach out to one another with hope, love, lack of judgement and expectation.

I believe that when we are all-consumed and absorbed by anxiety and fear, we are not necessarily conscious of who, or what we are, or what we have to be thankful for, or indeed how truly blessed we are; in essence, we miss the ‘bigger picture’ and so do not see through the lens of love. Instead, we go in search of more, like the bigger house, the better job, the more expensive car etc. and we often believe that the harder we work and the more we achieve and the more ‘stuff’, social status and recognition that we have, will our problems be solved and we will be happy and have the self-validation and acceptance that we desire. At one time I believed that I needed all of this, but for me, now more than ever, it is about those that share my life; the rest of it are just some of life’s niceties and conveniences, nothing more.

For me, anxiety has been a silent addiction for years. One where those around me wouldn’t necessarily have seen my struggle from the outside, as the smile on my face often hid the depths of my pain and struggle within. I have now acknowledged this struggle and the pain that has fuelled my addiction which became my ego-based identity and which has suffocated and robbed me of all thing’s ‘self’, like self-respect, self-belief and so on.

The thing is, our worries and anxieties are often notoriously inaccurate and anxiety I feel, is best described as quick sand, for the harder we struggle to free ourselves, to escape the depths of fear, the deeper we sink.

I am more than the mistakes that I have made. I am more than my anxiety. I am more than my fear and insecurities. I am worthy of life and new beginnings. Yes, my anxiety knows all of my faults and failures and yes my ego uses every one of them against me to detour me from happiness and fulfilment and although it is often the loudest voice in the room, one that only I can hear, these thoughts are just that and with patience thoughts can be changed and silenced!

“We are not responsible for what breaks us, but we can be responsible for what puts us back together again. Naming the hurt is how we begin to repair our broken parts.”

~ Desmond Tutu ~

Like all addictions, having the incessant belief that we are broken, that we will never measure up and being emotionally certain that we will never be free of destructive and repetitive patterns, bring with it stigma and shame, both internally and externally. My gut and throat are often blocked with angst and fear and my ego persistently tells me that it will always be like this, yet deep down my soul tells me that there is no shame in struggling with emotional addiction and that its ok to not be ok sometimes. My heart tells me not to lose hope, to trust my intuition and that recovery and a miracle or two are just around the corner.

I have realised whilst on my journey of self-exploration and healing, that I had fallen out of love with life. This I realised I did a long time ago and this thought saddens me, but I choose to acknowledge it regardless. But more importantly, I realised that had fallen out of love with myself; no longer did I see myself through the lens of love. No longer did I speak to myself with kindness and humility. No longer did I forgive myself as I did others and no longer did I allow inner peace and love to reside within. No longer did I value myself, but instead I allowed my ego to strip me bare of all self-respect and the ability to love and embrace happiness and opportunity from all the good things in my life. Perhaps when our knees hit the floor, as did mine with great heaviness, is the time when we truly transform, rise, heal, grow and thrive and as I have said in one of my previous blog posts, “Change happens when the worry and anxiety of remaining the same, is far greater than the pain of self-evolution”. This change is my way forward, my life’s new path and the obstacles I will face are simply detours in the right direction.

The girl within me never left, she never gave up hope on me, or my recovery; she was simply waiting patiently to guide me back, for she is my rehabilitation, my therapist, my healer and the guiding light that will lead me home.

One must remember to take time to pause, to reflect, to breathe and to be mindful that we don’t have to see the whole staircase just to take that first step and quite often the smallest steps that we take end up being the biggest steps of our lives. So, tip toe if you must, but with courage take that step, remembering that forward is forward!

Courage is what it has taken for me to stand up and say, “I am addicted to anxiety and I acknowledge that fear is the symptom of my perpetual self-destruction.” I am an addict that wants to heal, to thrive and to live life to the full before time runs out! Now is my second chance to heal, for I realise that true healing occurs when we give ourselves the permission to acknowledge our inner thoughts, the good, the bad and the ugly and that our courage gives us the strength to do whatever it takes to get closer to our consciousness and that, that allows us to truly feel the feelings that allow us to identify our fear-based triggers, face them head on and take a leap of faith. Winston Churchill once said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak.”

I vow to speak my truth regardless, share my thoughts and experiences even when my voice shakes and I face rejection and un-certainty. When I think I have surrendered, I will surrender more to that, that is infinitely higher than I, for I trust that I am being guided and I truly do believe in miracles and new beginnings. I also vow to forgive past versions of myself, forgive my mistakes and remember that I have the power, the courage and the strength to change my life for the better, kick emotional addiction and seek to remind myself that where and who I am today, is not where, or who I will be tomorrow.

Life can be complicated and seemingly unfair at times and it does not get better by chance, it gets better by change and if we wait for things to get better, we WILL run out of time! We have two choices, we can either REPEAT or EVOLVE.

Remember to be kind, not only to yourself, but to others too, for everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about.

Sending love and light to you all.