2006/2018

It was fun to skim back through my profile photos. I noticed that I used to dress up a lot more and share sultry photos without shame or a second thought.

Somehow over the years I have internalized that to be seen as sexy somehow diminishes my worth as a professional. I have subconsciously developed a narrative that says if I am seen for my body, then my soul becomes invisible. That’s what it feels like sometimes when a man expresses interest in my physical appearance only, like who I actually am as a spirit is not seen. “Flirtation” sometimes feels like harassment, and in a rape culture patriarchy, being sexualized can be dangerous.

I spent years traveling the world, which in many places as a woman alone, meant showing skin was unsafe. So, I began to cover myself up, long flowy pants instead of tight ones, T-shirts instead of tank tops. I remember visiting my college roomate in Thailand, who was a model there, and I was in full backpacker style and people teased me for “not dressing like a woman”.

I also stopped drinking alcohol by age 24 which meant the end of nightlife for the most part. Thus fewer opportunities for high heels and sparkly mini-dresses. I used to enjoy painting my face with shimmering eye shadow but I always felt I wasn’t old enough to wear lipstick. It’s been a decade and I recently bought some red lip color, but I never find myself in a situation I deem appropriate to wear it.

As a young female social worker, I had to basically de-sexualize myself as much as possible in the office. I was 22 in graduate school and working with clients in outpatient mental health. Sometimes people struggled with boundaries as part of their condition and it was up to us to set a clearly professional relationship. I remember when a schizoid patient believed that we were dating, instead of participating in psychotherapy. He said some very creepy things to me and I remember feeling for the emergency button underneath the desk as I became acutely aware that he did not understand the dynamic. I dressed as frumpy as possible from then on, trying to hide my shape and my youth.

The selfie phenomenon that has overtaken social media polarizes many either for, or against it. While it could be a sign of superficiality or insecurity, it also can be empowering or inspiring. Sometimes I scroll through women’s instagrams and see their glamorous, sensual, decorated portraits and wonder why I can’t be like that too. But I have this story in my head that “I’m not that kind of woman” and that somehow my inner character and what I stand for in the world as an activist, would clash with such depiction of myself. As if showcasing my sexuality undermines my spirituality, as if displaying what is only skin deep makes me shallow.

My abuser would fixate on my sexuality as the most vulnerable place to attack with psychological violence. He said that if I wanted to post a photo of myself looking attractive that it was because I was seeking out the male gaze to tempt them just because I wanted attention. He assured me that men only talked to me because they wanted to pursue me sexually and I must want that if I shared that kind of picture. Shame is a powerful weapon and is a cardinal tool of emotional abuse. Not only did my soul eventually hide away, but I also resented my body.

I reflected on these influences around my birthday last summer and realized that I have hardly any photos taken from the past few years where I feel beautiful. Why shouldn’t I get to feel gorgeous and enjoy respectful appreciation from others? Sometimes it’s as if I’ve curated my image to be only for my character to the point that I feel like the physical temple of my body is not even acknowledged.

In the fall, a photographer friend wanted to take shots of me with my flute and drum. I picked out bold colors which I don’t often wear because it’s “too much”, and took this second image. It feels good to look good, for myself.

I look forward to exploring more about this topic through writing and images. I didn’t know this photo trend would bring out this much vulnerability, but it’s a topic which I’ve discussed with friends recently. It is being analyzed currently around the new young female congresswoman, AOC.

I have some inspiring ladies in my circle who are strong advocates for body positivity of all kinds and are breaking down limiting narratives about how women should appear. They encourage us to share ourselves as whole, authentic beings. I appreciate their examples and encourage us all to Show more of ourselves, in mind, body, and spirit.

(My first post of this, I had a 2006 photo of me wearing a red dress, I ramped up my challenge to myself for vulnerability and replaced it with the bikini picture)
(If you want to share this please copy and paste the text and don’t share out these photos)