I never thought I lacked self-love. I’ve always been relatively happy and athletic and positive and healthy. I thought I was a mindful person. I teach yoga and meditate and I’m thoughtful and empathetic. But I always carried a big, guilty, secret burden with me – I struggled with an eating disorder for almost a decade.

It wasn’t until I hit my version of rock bottom that I knew I had to make some drastic life changes. I had developed digestive imbalances called SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth) and Candida that were affecting my health, I was experiencing unexplained weight gain despite usual amounts of exercise, and I had lost a lot of self-confidence due to these health issues. It was affecting my relationships and all aspects of life. All the while, I was studying nutrition, yet still wasn’t able to apply my knowledge on myself.

So how did I get myself out of this vicious cycle of guilt and shame? How did I finally call it quits on the binge and purge cycle? How did I get to a point of balance, where I can now enjoy one sweet treat without losing all control or feeling immensely guilty? It took a ridiculous amount of mindfulness and forced self-love.

Bullet Journal:

The first step towards mindfulness was when I made an effort to journal more. This started simply as a bullet journal tracking my eating habits, sugar intake, hydration, exercise, emotions, energy levels, alcohol intake, sleep… everything. I tracked whenever a binge/purge episode took place. What I quickly noticed was my relationship to sugar and alcohol. Anytime I had a couple drinks, my inhibitions around food were lowered so I’d “allow” foods that I usually restricted myself from, typically leading to eating more than I’d like and spiraling into the guilt/shame cycle of bulimia. Or anytime I “allowed” myself a little bit of a sweet treat that I typically restricted, I’d want as much of it as I could get my hands on. I learned my trigger foods, or the foods that left me feeling powerless and out of control.

Bullet journaling allowed me to find more awareness and mindfulness surrounding my disordered eating patterns. It helped me finally admit to myself that I actually had a problem.

Sobriety:

By the grace of the universe, a dear friend came to me with the crazy idea of going really sober for a full year. When I say “really sober” I mean no added sugar (honey and stevia were okay), no caffeine (!), no alcohol, no marijuana, no tobacco, and obviously no hard drugs. The idea was to take away all things we’re dependent on – anything we use as an “escape” – and force us to work through the discomfort of addictions.

Well, we ended up lasting six months with the extreme sobriety, but the mindfulness and awareness gained in those six months was invaluable. We journaled and wrote each other often about our separate, but similar, experiences and were forced to feel and face the emotions and discomforts in cravings and temptations without giving into them.

I learned how strong I could be in moments of stress – instead of reaching for chocolates or sweets like I used to do, I would use breathing techniques or think of my yogic teachings. I learned how present and grounded I could be at parties without alcohol and how by not drinking, I didn’t mindlessly munch out of stress or social anxiety. Parties had previously been a huge trigger for the binge & purge cycle and now I felt in complete control. This type of freedom surrounding food is one of the most liberating feelings for anyone who has previously felt trapped or confined by food choices.

Sobriety removed my triggers and allowed me to take a clear look at how I want to integrate sugar, alcohol, and other foods in my life from a place of love.

Mindful Eating:

Finally, with awareness and clarity from journaling and sobriety, I felt a sense of control and balance over what I chose to put into my body. I had worked past dependencies on sugar, caffeine, and alcohol, and felt I was in a place where I could start listening to my body’s cues and trusting what it asked for. Before, I was unable to determine a craving from a nutritional need. Now, instead of craving sweets, my body asks for sautéed broccoli or fresh fruit. I crave salmon and sea-salted avocado and pastured eggs and all the veggies.

I started asking myself a list of questions whenever I headed to the kitchen:

“Am I actually hungry or just bored? Am I reaching for chocolate covered almonds because I’m stressed out? Am I just thirsty and need more water? Am I enjoying my food? Am I paying attention to my food or my Instagram feed? How satisfying was this food choice?”

Mindful eating allowed me to be present with my food. It was a total game-changer when it came to eliminating the guilt that was previously associated with so many food choices. I am in control and it is such an empowering feeling.

Self-Love:

As I was working towards being more mindful with my eating, I was simultaneously working on truly loving myself (always a work in progress). I had always thought I loved myself until I took a hard look at some of the choices I’d been making. Why would I choose crappy foods to put into my body, knowing the consequences, if I truly loved myself? Why would I speak so critically and negatively to myself if I truly loved myself?

“Eating well is a form of self-respect” ~Colleen Quigley

This quote really hit home for me. I can’t remember where I first saw it, but it dug into my heart and put a lump in my throat. Of course, nourishing myself was a form of self-love. It could arguably be the biggest form of self-love! This quote made me realize just how much I actually lacked love for myself. It still brings me such sadness to think how cruel I was being to myself, however, upon reading this quote, a fire was ignited inside me and it will never be extinguished.

“Love Yourself in Every Decision You Make”

I made this my mantra: “Love yourself in every decision you make.” It’s written on my mirror, my giant dry erase board, and I set reminders to pop up in my phone to remind me. It seems so simple, but sometimes we need to be reminded of what’s most important. I had already been working towards making every decision I make come from a place of love, rather than fear (thank you Marianne Williamson – who’s announced she’s running for president 2020!!!), but now I apply this to decisions pertaining to myself rather than only others. Anytime I feel like I’m making a questionable decision, I simply ask myself if the choice is in line with loving myself truly and absolutely.

I’ll admit, I don’t hold true to all of these 100% of the time (I am a human, after all), but it’s like any other habit – the more you practice it, the more natural it comes. I will never go back to my old habits after waking up to these realizations about myself. Eating disorders are incredibly complex to identify or confront. I never let anyone know I had this struggle until after I felt I had it under control. Every person is different, but just know that if you struggle with food or body image at any degree – you are not alone. I’d love for you to reach out to me!