Imagine for a moment: You made it through an entire day of eating everything you should (even if you had to choke it down), and avoiding everything you shouldn’t. You’re doing well! Or so you think… Enter, self-sabotage. Before you know it, an entire sleeve of girl scout cookies and half a bag of popcorn have found their way into your mouth. You find yourself thinking, “Why did I just do that?” Or, “Why would I do that to myself?!”

A saboteur – someone who commits sabotage. That’s you. Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in your life and starts to disrupt long-standing goals.  Some of the most common self-sabotaging behaviors are self-medication with drugs or alcohol, procrastination, self-injury and comfort eating.  Whether you find yourself doing one, or all of those destructive behaviors, you’re definitely not alone.  Self-sabotage ultimately results in feeding the very monster you are working so hard to kill. And just like pain begets pain, so too, does sabotage beget sabotage. Sometimes our worst enemy is ourselves.  In a twisted contradiction of human nature, the person, ones-self, that we expect to protect us the most, instead turns out becoming our favorite victim of self-sabotage.

Many of us suffering from chronic illness have perfected the art of self-sabotage.  We’ve found – and even created, various ways to passive-aggressively get in “our own way.” Doctor Andrea Bonior describes five types of behavior that are typically seen in self-sabotage. Several of them will directly speak to those suffering with any kind of chronic pain or illness. They include:

1.) Dwelling on “If only…” Often times we play the ‘if only game” about things that we can’t control, but we wish were different…If only I had gotten that job, if only I didn’t get sick, if only I could lose weight. However, “if only” ends up keeping us stagnant; it traps us in neutral. 2.) Being afraid of your own thoughts. Ironically, trying your hardest to suppress a thought, almost always ensures that the thought will eventually have power over you. Because when you suppress a thought, you never truly process it. So, you never have time to decide that it doesn’t even make sense! Fearing your thoughts actually gives them far too much significance. 3.) Burying your feelings. We tend to bury feelings out of fear, guilt or resentment.  Unfortunately, hidden feelings tend to grow bigger and bigger. 4.) Habitually starting tomorrow (this is me!). When you’ve slipped up on a diet plan, or yelled at your kid for the third time that day, it’s a natural reaction to just want to “throw out” the day and visualize the crystal-clear, blank slate of tomorrow. The problem with tomorrow is that it’s always a moving target, and thus is perpetually just beyond reach (perfect for self-sabotage). 5.) Letting inertia harm you, rather than help you. Too often the inertia that’s incredibly beneficial when it’s on our side, applies itself to habits we don’t want to keep, and behaviors that end up making us feel lousy, unhealthy and unhappy.

Any one of these behaviors pointed out by Dr. Bonior can lead to a compromised mental state, especially in chronic illness.  A compromised mind often results in compromised health.

Several studies have found that self-sabotaging can be a person’s way of asserting control over a problem or situation they’re facing. Many of us suffering with chronic illness or chronic pain feel like our lives are out of control, and often times we don’t know where to turn. So, we attempt to gain control. We grasp at straws, try every new medication, read every self-help book we can find, go to hundreds of doctor’s appointments, and feverishly devour all of the articles and literature that is even vaguely related to the health challenges we are facing. Interestingly enough, when you are trying to control a situation, it often times turns out that you’re actually seeking comfort and reassurance. Feeling so out of control lends itself perfectly to suppressing emotions, or unhappiness, that you have been experiencing for a long time. And soon, self-sabotaging becomes a comfort, in and of itself. Because, how can you fail – or feel – at something you quit on your own accord? You can’t. Blocking that potential failure, becomes a habit. A familiar and comfortable habit. These habits may even seem beneficial in the moment, but they eventually undermine us, particularly when we find ourselves engaging in them repeatedly.

So, now, you may find yourself asking why someone would deliberately do something to sabotage, or hurt themselves? Why do we set goals and then stand in our own way of achieving them? This is where the idea of “a need to control, in order to feel comforted,” comes in, providing that the answer to those questions may be quite simple: because it feels comfortable and normal – natural.  By sabotaging your own ability to achieve a goal, you think you can avoid those potential feelings of failure; but before you realize it, you habitually begin to set unrealistic goals, and put expectations on yourself that are totally unachievable, in an effort to protect yourself from actually trying, and failing. The issue with engaging in this behavior is that it proves over and over again to be harmful to our lives. And although it feels normal at the time, the accumulation of these “protected” failures, in-and-of themselves, start to hurt by producing those very feelings of guilt, failure and uselessness that we’re so desperately trying to avoid. Sometimes you aren’t even aware of your own self-sabotaging efforts, or the damage that they’re doing, because it may take time for the end-effects to show themselves. Self-sabotage loves to hold you hostage…from your own life.

It’s time to break free from the ties that bind you. Today’s the day. These are some suggestions I’ve found on how to end your self-sabotaging patterns. First, a good place to start is coming to the understanding that you are not only sabotaging yourself, but also compromising your own happiness – and health. After all, acceptance is the first step in making a change. Next, begin to identify the strategies and behaviors you are using to impede your progress or disrupt your best-laid-plans. Then, you will start to understand why you’re self-sabotaging in the first place, and perhaps even get to the root cause of your repetitive self-destruction. The next step is making the brave choice to let go and allow yourself to grow and transform. Taking these steps may be scary at first, but they are critical to reversing, and ending, the compulsion to repeat self-destructive acts; acts that may have been etched into your core long ago, and may have originated in childhood – which makes them no longer applicable to your life. While you’re transforming, remember to stay in the moment and be aware of any time you start to backslide. If, or should I say when, you do slip up, go easy on yourself. As you move forward, start to positively and frequently, reinforce what’s working to help keep you on track, and effectively keeping you away from the desire to self-destruct. Remember to speak to yourself with compassion and kindness, just as you would speak to someone else in a similar situation. Loving yourself is always the key to success!

Love, Hugs, and Blessings ~

MO