We all go through battles within ourselves. Usually between our head and our heart. Every single one of us has experienced an internal dialogue on a daily basis that is not self serving. Everyone around us has no clue what exist in our thoughts, our intentions or what our internal struggles are. Last year I decided to do something I have never done my entire life – SIT STILL. I felt like my whole life has been a series of battles, constantly in survival mode, just trying to get through life. I am definitely the type of person who gets things done, always moving from one task to the next. I am the problem solver, the enabler, the reliable one, I will speak up for you, I have no problem with confrontation and I always have to keep myself busy doing something. Some people call me intense, other people refer to it as passionate, while others view it as aggressive or intimidating. I always saw myself as a warrior, always trying to fight for what was right, going straight to the heart of the matter. In my world, I was always battling to maintain peace and harmony, only to discover that the truth doesn’t need to be defended. It just got to a point in my life where I just didn’t know who I was fighting for or what I was fighting for. My inner truth was shifting and changing and I felt lost. I realized that with every victory there is also defeat. So this warrior had to decide where her heart truly lied. The only way to discover this was by putting down my sword. Instead of using my sword to fight for the truth, I decided to use it to carve out a new version of ME.

It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of strength for a busy person to sit still. To have patience, allow situations to unfold, to NOT do anything and allow other people to take the reigns (Umm yeah … not the easiest thing for me). Especially because I can see the heart of the matter; automatically I want to fix it. It’s always been my blessing and my curse to be able to see the other person’s point of view, empathize with their perspective and find a way to resolve issues with the intention of creating a healing outcome. I’m not the type of person to leave things unresolved because I understand the depth of pain and how that can cause a tremendous burden for a person to carry. I never want to be a source of pain for anyone but the truth is we are all victims and perpetrators throughout life and we never know which end of the spectrum we will reside on. It’s all a matter of perspective. For example, ten people can have the exact same experience and have ten completely different perceptions on how that experience affected them. It’s all a culmination of their own life experience, how they manage their thought patterns, whether they are pessimistic or optimistic, whether they are a responsive or reactive type of person and ultimately their capacity to receive what that situation was offering them. Another example would be, you and I have an experience together. You view our situation as a positive experience and I view it as a negative experience. That’s because it all depends on how that situation left us feeling emotionally.

So how did I come to the decision to sit still? For the past couple of years I have been healing my inner wounds, a consequence of experiencing a spiritual awakening. After a while, the misery just gets exhausting and you have no choice but to do something different. I was completing a workshop called “Healing the Divine Feminine” while simultaneously taking a course at a Salt Cave. The course was focused on connecting with your higher self and learning how to clear your energy so that you can open yourself up to your natural gifts and abilities. Something magical happened by the end of those three weeks. All of sudden, whatever I thought instantly manifested. I felt like I was connected to everything and everyone I came into contact with. It actually scared me at first but then I began to play with it just to see if it was truly happening. I realized that my thoughts and energy had a tremendous amount of power over my experience. This is when I knew I had to make a major change within myself – to be more self serving. It’s difficult to do that because right away that internal voice starts thinking of all the things that will limit your experience – you feel guilty for being selfish, you don’t think you can afford it, and the list begins to grow.

I made a BOLD decision to make a commitment to myself. For the next four months my main focus above EVERYTHING and everyone, was ME. I decided to make a commitment and create a daily plan that focused on my mind, body and spirit. I signed up with an online coach to complete an 80 day workout program that was completely out of my comfort zone. Then I signed up with another coach to work on my spirituality. This would require me to sit still everyday to meditate (some days for hours) and focus on recreating myself from within. Essentially I was reprogramming myself with new thought patterns, beliefs and an inner dialogue that was much more self serving. I knew it was not going to be easy because it was over the summer. Between vacations, BBQs and family events – I wasn’t completely convinced I could really see it through. I decided – no excuses, no expectations, just show up everyday and see what unfolds.

Part of the Divine Feminine workshop I completed earlier in the year required you to keep a gratuity journal. Every night you had to write down five things you were grateful for that day and nothing you wrote could ever repeat. It was amazing to me how your thought patterns start to change when you run out of things to write down. At first you’re grateful for the main things, then you start to become grateful for the little things like a sunny day or a stranger offering a helping hand. Eventually you shift and begin to be grateful for the ways you can be of service to someone else. You also start to pay more attention to the details of your life and the energy you surround yourself with. You start to pay less attention to the negative stuff and more attention to the good parts of your day. Even on your worse day, you can still find five things you were grateful for. It may take you a while and you may have to sit there for a few minutes to shift your view to not focus on the negative. In essence, you realize everything is working in your favor. Even the bad stuff has something to show us; whether it’s a lesson or something that needs to change. So I decided to continue my gratuity journal during this process in the hopes that it would keep me accountable.

So what was the outcome? I’m proud to say, I never missed a workout. Even on vacation, I found a gym or a corner someplace to complete my routines. I put myself first, no matter what my day was like, no matter what challenges arose – I made sure I stayed committed to ME. I went on my vacations with no plans in place and wound up having an amazing time. People, events and new experiences showed up that amazed my family and I. Every morning I woke up, did my workouts, meditations and mantras. After that, I was available for whatever and whomever showed up in my day. I was able to be of service in a way I never was before because I knew I was taken care of by ME. I knew there was shift within me when I was put into a situation with a family member that everyone avoids. I am one of the few people in the family that keeps in touch with her. It’s not something I do often because her energy is exhausting and it always ends up in lengthy messages about how awful her life is. This time when she contacted me and sent me numerous back to back messages of how horrible she was feeling, I responded, “Thank you for sharing. I am always here for you to vent. I know your path has been a major struggle. I wish there were words I could say to help or heal. Just know that deep down I know you are kind, passionate, thoughtful, affectionate, caring and lovable. Your presence matters to me and those that love you.” She responded, “Thank you … I am speechless … that really meant a lot to hear. Good night.” And that was it! No more messages. I was able to be available for her in a way that she needed to feel safe, loved and heard.

The point is we are never taught how to take care of ourselves in a way that makes our relationships with other people more worthwhile. Those four months were really difficult for me. I cried a lot when my inner wounds surfaced and my old thought patterns showed up again. I loved myself through every hurt, negative thought and emotion that surfaced. I took the time to observe my life and the people I surround myself with, from an objective viewpoint. Most importantly, I forgave myself, for not knowing any better and I let my past behaviors go.  I encourage you to sit in stillness and ask yourself these questions:

• How can I say I will never betray another person when I betray myself everyday with negative self talk, not taking care of my body, not eating right, not enriching my mind and not being loyal to myself?
• Why do I support, treat and talk to people better than I do to myself? Why am I my own worst critic?
• Why do I put other people’s needs before my own?
• How do I support myself in times of grief, pain and loss? How do I show myself compassion and empathy?
• What is on my to-do list that’s for ME and ONLY me? What do I do to treat myself like the King/Queen I AM?
• What am I doing to grow and expand my life, my relationships and my experiences?
• What makes me HAPPY? Where do I find my JOY on a daily basis?
• What type of people am I surrounding myself with? Do they encourage me, support me and love me no matter how I show up?
• What am I doing to align myself with my dreams and make them a reality?

I am not going to lie.  After sitting in stillness for that long, I did not know how to move forward.  This stuck and stagnant energy took over, causing anxiety.  I kept asking myself – How do I make my outside reality match my inside reality?  My shift caused the people around me to shift too.  They had a choice to hop on board and get into alignment with me or fall away.  Either way, I had to respect their choice and give them their time to make the adjustments.  No one likes change and there will always be resistance to change.  The only thing I can control is me – how I show up, how I respond, and what I have to offer.  After that, I have to allow the Universe to unfold the path for me.  In those moments of doubts I kept reminding myself, “Everything is always working out for me.”  You begin to notice signs and synchronicities.  Then magically a situation or person will appear to reveal the next step forward.

Step by step move forward being true to your heart and soul.  They will never steer you wrong.