Marriage and chronic illness. How does that look like?

Do you crave time of your own because you rely too much on your husband slash caregiver? Are you terrified that he’d get sick of you and leave you? Has sex become too painful and your spouse is fed up?

In August 2018, I started a project called “The Spoonie Secrets”. It’s a safe space for people with chronic illness to share their deepest and darkest secrets anonymously. It’s an opportunity for spoonies to release those thoughts and emotions without the risk of being exposed and the fear of hurting the people around them.

In every issue of the project, stories about marriages and relationships keep coming up. I also get private messages and comments how these anonymous confessions resonate with them. One quote has been a viral pin on Pinterest for more than a month with 26k+ impressions, 250+ saves, 100+ clicks.

To create more awareness, empathy and connection, I’d like to share select raw secrets on marriage and chronic illness.

Raw Secrets on Marriage and Chronic Illness

“I know I need someone with me because my fainting is not well controlled, so after years of spending little time together when we both had heavy work commitments, my husband stopped working and became my official carer – but I crave time on my own!”

“I spend more time crying than I will ever admit to anyone, especially my husband.”

“I am secretly terrified that my husband will get sick of me being chronically ill and will leave me, so most of the time I pretend that I am feeling good, even when I feel like complete garbage.”

“Over summer, I quit my job to go back to school. I was so excited! My husband and I were now living on just his income. But eight weeks before graduating with my associate’s degree, I had to drop the classes; I was falling behind due to a flare the put me in the hospital. I now feel like a financial burden to my husband because we can’t get that money back. I feel like I wasted his money and let him down as a partner.”

“I understand no one wants to listen to the agony I feel most of the time. My husband gets angry when I feel worse or have a new diagnosis. He is always thinking of the suffering it will cause him. I wish we could trade places for a day maybe then he could realize how lucky he is!”

“I don’t know if I would be with my husband if I didn’t have my chronic illness. I feel that we have grown apart (because of my illness, which he struggles with because of how it’s affected my/his life). However, I rely on him now too much to leave.”

“I haven’t had an active sex life in nearly four years. My wife is fed up, and I feel she wants out.”

“My husband has gone from being my lover to my caregiver – our relationship has slowly but surely changed and it feels like there is no way back. I just feel so sad.”

“I sometimes wish my husband had never met me, so he could be with someone who doesn’t hold him back & who he doesn’t have to care for 24/7.”

“I feel like my husband resents me because he has had to take on so much due to my multiple chronic conditions. I give my all everyday but the most I can manage in a day is 7 hours at a desk job and a few chores or making a meal at home. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful, supportive person, but I get so scared when I see his moments of frustration peek through.”

“I haven’t had sex in 2 years because it’s so painful.”

Your Turn

Does any of the confessions resonate with you?

Do you want to participate or read the other entries? Click here.