I have nothing else to do today but sit and create and feel and love … my memories and my tomorrows.  I am thankful.  As I write, I can hear the fountain in my beautiful courtyard dripping its drops and the wind chimes playing their little chimey melodies as a breeze blows slightly through the space where I sit.  I am in love with this moment.  I feel safe and happy and nostalgic.  Alone as I wish to be, reviving my strength, and considering my many abilities. 

​And then, in a flash, I’m hit with a stunning realization; “he’s gone”.    There will be no more hugs or kisses or silly gifts or going to the movies or to a restaurant or sitting outside having one of our crazy nights out back, laughing and talking into the night.  Yes, yes, I know that he is with me, but he is not WITH me.  I am crying now – nothing new.   It has been a little over a year since he’s been gone, and I feel as if I will never get over this.  Just when I think that I have crossed onto sturdier ground, I’m down on my knees again.

I’m not being too hard on myself, I just can’t get a handle on when the emotional tide is going to come slamming in … there I was being happy and doing my thing, trying to be in the moment and out of nowhere, it hit!  This happens to me when I’m in public, too which is why I don’t do public often.

I get it – loss is a natural part of life but trying to overcome the shock and confusion has me a bit perplexed.  I’m sad, damn it and so far, I don’t see the intensity lifting.  I know I’m supposed to be embracing the time I had with my husband – focusing on the good.  But sometimes that’s like trying to stifle a sneeze … it’s not happening.

This was an entry in my journal about a year after my loss …

Somewhere in this time, I began considering the idea to put a blog together that would share my thoughts and understandings of all this grief I was experiencing.  Early on, I had a sense I wanted to help others as they journeyed through their grief, too.  I’ve journal-ed most of my life and so having captured much what I’ve encountered with my loss seemed fated.    This has helped me in so many ways to heal and motivated me to reach out to try to help others get back to living a more purposeful life, as well.

This blog-building has taken several turns and I’ve almost quit more times than I care to admit, (largely due to my own insecurities).  I finally just stopped worrying about my lack of blog experience and decided to trust & believe – I’m not a blog expert and I don’t pretend to be.  My intent is simply to tell my stories, offer ideas & insights and share a little humor and light-heartedness in the healing process and, just maybe create a positive imprint on the Universe while I’m at it.

​What a balancing act this has been – so essential to healing, I have begun to pick up the pieces and move forward, finally wrapping my head around the fact that to do so is honoring my husband.  As I start to feel a bit more in control – surprisingly, I’m learning much about myself.   Calmer and happier, most days I feel my husband near me, thankful for those moments, thankful for this consciousness and thankful for the love and protection I feel.  It’s as if he’s saying to me, “You have your own adventure to live, honey, go play.”
​
Today leads into the tomorrow I am creating – the stuff of my dreams.  I have been given this gift of solitude to realign as I master the skills and gifts I have been blessed to possess and the visions that I am yearning to manifest into reality.

​I am a creator and begin the most wonderful creation of my life – learning and living my truth.

visit: www.remembermehdw.com