The polite, courteous, controlled expression of emotion.  Tempered on my end too.  Not to overwhelm. Scare away.  Scared of a wrong move.  Feeling insecure.  Not actually taken into consideration?   Does he know me?   Does he want to?  Trust.   Not being sure.  Going in too much too soon when there’s uncertainty.   Not making wide strides.   Safe.   Tempered.  Are you going to be there for me?   You want to.  But are you going to actually go out and do something about it.

I’ve been trying to give you the map to my heart.  Do you want it?   And plan to make use of it?  And is it where you want to go?   Or do you prefer to figure it out without a map maybe?   Not sure of your level of commitment to this.  If we feel the same way of how far this can go.   I am on the surface, scratching maybe a little too hard right now.  Could it be you are just going to look at the map and hover and hesitate and think “someday I’ll go on that adventure”.   But for now content with just the idea of an adventure, a dream, a fantasy. But cherish the map.  The idea of it, that you’re in on a secret.  It’s safer.  You love that I gave it to you, but not quite ready to use it just yet.  And keep waving at me and saying “thanks for the map” from the other side.  And saying you might use it someday and that you appreciate me sharing it with you, that it meant a lot to you.  But that’s where it ends.  You don’t excitedly jump into beginning that journey, the discovery.

Is this just fantasy?  What we have?   Is it real?   Tangible?   Or a mess of ideals we’ve both created.  Do you want to find out if its real?   And make it real?   Or prefer the fantasy?  Maybe the distance helps to maintain the fantasy.  And it’s better that way. Perhaps.

Do you love me?   ME…the real me?    And do you want to go on an adventure with me?   Is your life infinitely better with me in it?   Or more of a distraction?  A life, a light?  Or an encumbrance?  Because how can it feel like I am both?  I do.  Oh I do.

My dilemma:  I want to run to you.   I want to wrap my arms around you and surrender.  I want to be your light and I want you to accept it.   I want to love you.  And for you to be so grateful and happy.  Just be.  Fall right into you, unapologetically.  And I want you to want me in your life.  Every day.  You want to be my rock.  The one I run to.  And your arms are open, ready to take me in.  Because you know its where I belong.  Where I’m safe.  I love you.  You love me.  Maybe too much.  It overwhelms.  But I’m the one who’s overwhelming.  Maybe not in a good way.

Your warmth.  Your tenderness.  Your character, your humor, your intelligence, your drive, I’m in love with it all.  I want you to see yourself how I see you.  Oh… but…your hesitancy or your holding back.  It drives me bonkers.  (wait, is it that you’re holding back or is it just that there maybe is not more to it at all?) Either way, your hesitancy(if that is what it is)… it also makes you that much more special and for me to be more gentle with you.  Which is not my usual style.  I’m more tempered this time, but in a good way.   I’m more careful around your heart where I’ve been more careless with others.   BUT, that also stops me from running into you.  Because it won’t be received how I want it or picture it to be.  It will make you uncomfortable, I feel it.  And then make me feel shame. And I don’t want to feel ashamed to love you. You are moderation/reserved love. It does make you the beautiful person that you are.  But I never want to be something that causes anything to feel not safe/chaotic to you.  I want all of me to make you feel elation.

I do ironically need your calm and temperance.  But it’s also causing my light to die a little bit when it comes to love.  Because I feel like I’ve found something in you.  Something I didn’t even know I was looking for.  And I want to chase it.  Hard.  *laughs at herself*.  I’m chaos and impulse and childlike/vulnerable at times but I make it beautiful because it comes from love, loyalty and a need to express feelings that feel good after having myself been tempered for years.   Love, light, emotions, vulnerability.   All things you might mistrust.  My heart needs it.  But, will our need to not make each other uncomfortable not allow anything to flourish?  To nourish?  My heart.  I can’t not listen to its calling.   I can’t let your guarded heart’s needs overshadow mine.  Although I’m going to allow them to, I know it.  Because of the affection and kind of protectiveness I feel for you. I need you to not let me.  While you may appreciate it and the love its coming from, you’ll know that it’s not okay to let my light die as it will only be hurtful to us both in the end.  That being guarded is not useful in our case.

Put your ear to my heart.  And hear it.  Hear what it wants.  What it needs.  And listen.   And maybe give it a little nudge.  Tell it you hear it.  And that you’ll keep listening.  That’s what it needs.  And please, keep knocking on its door, even when it seems shut tight.  It’s not.  It never is with you.  It wants you to hear it.  For you to be the one that hears it.  As it always will.

By not seeing you, I can’t gauge your love.  The validity of it.  I can’t see how you look at me or touch me.  If you’re moved by me.  Or if you look away or how you react when I show you my heart.  I can only see carefully written words on a screen on your own time.  Words that I’m afraid might  become meaningless.   Because they become it without action or emotion attached to it.  I’m afraid I might one day let them die.

I want to apologize for my intensity but I know I shouldn’t.  And you wouldn’t want me to since it’s what you love about me because it is me, right?  And you love me.  You love me?

I wish this didn’t make me feel helpless.