You were the only reason why I kept my walls down.

That day, you looked at me like I was the most precious thing on Earth. I felt delicate. I felt like I was the only thing that existed in that room at that moment. You held onto me, like a kid would to his teddy bear. I was there, like the light you’ve been seeking since so long.

You looked at me and your eyes promised me they would protect me no matter what. I didn’t know it, not yet. Not yet.

My heart had found its haven, where it could safely rest. My inner child, scared of being hurt and rejected again found comfort for once. It didn’t want to let go. But I didn’t know it yet.

What I thought was a game of flirt, turned out to be a game of hearts, a game of victories and losses. In your eyes I could feel loved, but to win your love, I had to go through the battlefield.

Because loving you meant loving me. But how could I love me ?
How could I love the failure of my inner child ? Failure to win attention , failure to be present, failure to grow up, failure to just be myself ? How do you love that person ?

Loving you meant a constant fight of egos, loving you meant losing all the pride I had. The pride that allowed me to be the one I am today.

And I am still shattered. My pride didn’t fix my broken self. It was just temporary. You shook it all. You shook it all. Just one look was all it took to shatter the broken pieces. But I didn’t know it yet. I thought I was winning. I thought I had control over you, but I wasn’t …

Loving you was the hardest thing I had to do, because I had to choose between me and my pride.

Loving you was the hardest thing I had to do, because I had to open the wounds again and I had to look at them and heal them, because they were still bleeding.

Loving you was a choice : to face my fears or to run away

Loving you was being me, in all my splendour, wounds exposed, heart on my sleeves and my inner child getting our of the closet

Ego or love ? The choice is tough. Because loving means to be frantically myself. But how ?

Who am I Really ? Do you know ?

Loving you meant getting to know what I loved and what I hated, not about you, but about myself. And I hated a lot of things.

The way you looked at me in the kitchen that day scared me. Scared you would see through me because no one was allowed to. The wounds were still opened.

My parents left a void. A void I filled with fear, pride and escapism. A void I convinced myself you could fill. Because in you I saw love. A love that was selfless, a love that was unconditional, a love that wanted me, flaws and warts.

I didn’t know that loving you meant loving me, because I was never taught that true love was self love.

I thought love meant giving and taking but true love means filling, true love means exchanging and loving you taught me I never truly loved.

Don’t hate me, because I didn’t know. I didn’t know until my heart acknowledged how safe you made it feel.

Loving you meant facing myself and I am fear, I am pride and I am my inner child. She stopped growing when she saw how bad the world was. But she felt secure when she found comfort in your warmth. Because you do warm her up. Every single time. Through the good and the bad, especially the bad.

Because the bad is making her see. It’s making her see that it’s okay to be broken and it’s okay to be oneself. Because that’s what makes her the one you chose to love.

She is imperfect. But it’s okay. She doesn’t trust you, because what if your comforting warmth burned her hopes ? What if, you left too? What if ?

So many what ifs? Why is it so hard to live in the moment ? There was just us, the two of us on that day. You caressed me with tenderness, but why was she scared ?

You wouldn’t harm her, would you?

You had what she didn’t. That’s what made her feel safe and that’s what made her feel threatened. What I admire and hate about you, is what I admire and hate about me, because you’re a reflection of who I am.

You are love and light, I am ego and fear. And I love you.

Loving you opened wounds I never thought would bleed again.
Loving you made me face the biggest fear my baby child had – the fear of being alone and not enough.
Loving you made me accept what I always denied.

Loving you gives me strength to keep fighting because loving you is what my heart seeks, from the very bottom of it’s depth

Loving you is what my grown inner child will do, and so until she grows up and finally finds you.

To the moon and back, through Hell and the Heavens, through warmth and coldness, through sunshine and rainbows, and through death and life, you will remain my heart’s light. Because through you, I find myself and through you I want to grow up.

Through you, I want to be me.

Loving you, always.