He was never right. He hurt me, abused me, and dragged me through his hell. He lied to me, cheated, made a fool of me until I was numb to him. He was never what I needed, never what I deserved.  He grew and changed as people do, and truth be told, he tried…but he was never good enough for me. I was worth more. He never lived up to what I needed. He never satisfied me, he never made things better, he never made me happy…Leaving him was right. It was hard…so hard, but right. To some people in my life, the decision to walk away was heart breaking, to some infuriating, to some it was long overdue…but for me…it was just right. And it was the first of many selfish decisions…it was the move that provoked my first real journey toward fulfillment, happiness, fairy tale type love.

I vowed to get it right the next time. I did all the things “they” said to do.  I wasn’t going to tolerate the pain…I wasn’t going to put up with hurt, I wasn’t going to accept badness anymore. Ever.

I loved myself first…just like “they” said. I worked and grew and waited until I was good. .. Great actually. I was truly happy. I was genuinely confident, strong, independent and content with the life I’d made for myself and my children. My heart felt strong, sturdy, healed. My friendships were solid, deep, and fulfilling.  My thoughts were clear and insightful. My perspective was optimistic. I was excited. I could finally breathe deeply, My mind was at peace I was no longer troubled by the pain, deceit, self loathing and doubt. No bitterness, sadness or insecurities were left. I loved who I was, where I was, where I was going.

I never settled for less than I deserved…just like “they” said. I was picky. I knew my worth. I refused to be blown off, lied to, let down or pushed away. If I saw even a glimpse of dishonesty or ill intentions, I walked away…head held high…unwavering, unapologetic. I was not going to f*** it up this time. I demanded respect, flattery, honesty and good heartedness…I demanded depth, emotional literacy, intelligence, intimacy and killer sex! Anything short of this was not an option, and I held tight to these standards.

I stopped looking…just like “they” said. I was open, of course, but I didn’t need a man, I was fine without love. Finding him was not my priority…I was my priority, my kids, my friends. I surrendered control and let myself have fun with it all. No expectations, no searching. I let it come to me. And it did!

Once day he showed up, and he kept showing up…without looking, without trying, without sacrificing my morals or standards…and he was wonderful! He recognized my beauty and he cherished it, nourished it, enhanced it… His soul was brilliant, his heart was truly good. He taught me when I thought I had nothing left to learn. He lifted me up when I though I couldn’t get ay higher. He showed me adventure, respect, and adoration.  He took on my kids and the hardships of my life. He was more than I could have asked for…he made my soul shine. It was obvious, tangible, and undeniable. This was it…contentment, bliss, true, good and strong… the one.

“They “were right! This was proof…the heartache and struggle…the pain and confusion…all my tears, all my fears…it all lead me to this place and I was so happy. I deserved it, every ounce! And he deserved me too.

Seems like that should be the end…right? Happily ever after? But life goes on. Life is real. Nothing stays the same and shit will literally always happen.

Eventually he did it…this man I’d fallen so hard for, who I thought would never do me wrong, would never fall short …eventually he hurt me. And goddamn did it hurt! It hurt worse than before…it gutted me. In all the years of falling victim to a bad man, it never felt so sharp as being stung by a truly good one. Just writing about it hurts. It changed everything. All of the shortcomings I’d though I’d overcome came flooding back…the vulnerability and insecurity, the fear and resentment, the anger and pain…it was like it had never left.  He was it…the love of my life, the one I deserved, who deserved me…he was the one…how did something like this happen?? This wasn’t “supposed” to happen. I’d done everything right this time! His offense was not a deal-breaker. Cheating or hitting would have been easier… But this…this was forgivable. It was wrong, callous and so so painful, but ultimately, it was the very human actions of a very human man.

This is where I learned (and am still learning) to forgive. Of all the personal growth and healing I’d done to that point…this was the most difficult thing I’d ever taken on…and it still is. Not just forgiveness for him…but forgiveness for myself. Forgive myself for NOT being so strong and confident…for letting him off the hook, for not demanding something so impossible as perfection.

I have found my one true love…the love people dream about…the kind they envy…the kind I once envied. It is strong and beautiful and I am truly happy…but I’m not always happy, and that’s not his fault. I get angry and insecure. I get moody and resentful. I can be spiteful and vindictive when I think about what happened. I’m not as confident as I was when I was single…I’m not as enthusiastic. My mind wanders, and is sometimes tortured with sadness, fear and discontent. I still know my worth, but when the pain of the past hits, I do and say things that I don’t like…and am ashamed of.

Here’s the thing…”they” have no fucking clue what they’re talking about because people are complex. We are spiritual beings, emotional, flawed and imperfect. We all have badness, immorality, grief and hurt. We are all worthy of love, and we are all capable of causing pain. We are all beautiful and self assured, and we all have doubt and weakness. We all have a past, we all make mistakes, we all hurt the ones we love….we are all human.  

I realize now that, unpleasant as it may sound, unhappiness is just as much a part of relationships as utter happiness…because they are both a part of life. We cannot truly love someone without being vulnerable…and we cannot be truly vulnerable without occasionally getting hurt. It is easy to be confident when you’re single…it’s easy to love yourself first and to be picky…it’s easy because it is safe. There’s no defenselessness to being alone. Love hurts…that’s the truth. It hurts when it’s toxic (duh), but it also hurts when it’s right. There was a time when I would have denied myself this beautiful love because I had no tolerance for imperfection…because I was told to accept nothing less.  That notion is impractical and unrealistic.

Love yourself, be picky…but be fair. Be fair to your lovers, be fair to yourself. TOLERATE and FORGIVE humanness. Only one you learn to embrace imperfection will you truly understand true love.