Vipassana is a very deep process. It is a 10-day silent meditation retreat.

I expected to get a lot of space, a lot of peace of mind. I expected a very interesting process. I was quite upset during most of Vipassana, that I did not understand why we were doing what we were doing. I didn’t agree with the technique. I felt this wasn’t the way to make me happy. I missed the connection with the soul, with our happiness, with those things that make me usually excited to be alive. There was a lot of nothing and the technique did not allow me to really feel I was releasing any emotions at all, it didn’t feel like the sort of emotional cleansing process as I had imagined it. It honestly felt like a waste of my time. I felt disappointed, frustrated, depressed and confused. After the Vipassana was over, I soon started to fill up all the emptiness in my life. A lot of music, videos, dates, texting, social media. Though, over time the lessons started to sink in.

Change is constant and everything comes up only to pass away. Being present with that what feels uncomfortable has been a big lesson for me. I wanted peace of mind during the meditation and that is not what I got. The brief moments that I, however, observed the frustration and discomfort and was told that this was part of the process, I could allow it to be there, instead of fight it. These, later on I realized are the moments we untie the knots, we create space. We allow to be, exactly what is. As too often, meditation becomes a striving to be in a particular state. Which is not always attainable, but by counter intuitively accepting exactly what we are feeling – the frustration of not being in that state – there is all of a sudden space to sink deeper into a peaceful state. We cannot get there by striving to get there. We get there by accepting that whatever is, is part of the process and is good and allowing that to be there.

During Vipassana I kept thinking, I invest 100 hours into this technique and still I don’t get it. What a poor technique. Now, I realize that the lesson for me was much deeper. It is not necessarily this technique of observing breathing or observing sensations on the skin that is going to give relief, though for some it did, it is also about the deeper layer of accepting the frustration that it doesn’t give relief – which counter intuitively leads to relief.

I had the image in mind of people who got out of Vipassana with so much happiness, such a burden had fallen off their shoulders. I felt my burden had only grown. I did not want to donate, as I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone else to go through this process. However, over time, Vipassana gives me its sweet fruits. And I start to wish others would benefit from Vipassana as well. In its harshness, it feels like a rite de passage – ‘the real thing’.

It is such a deep and unique experience, I hope others will follow.