How could I feel like I was good enough or doing enough if I myself didn’t feel it and was told I wasn’t?

After 42 hours of labor– hours of pushing and multiple epidurals, one in which I had to beg for I had an emergency csection, I was too drugged up to hold my son or feel the feelings of having him with me.

I had an infected placenta, and there was a worry that my baby, Marshall, had also caught the infection. I didn’t trust my husband, I didn’t trust the nurses, and I was too drugged up from the csection to feel I could advocate for us.

I felt distant, like I was not doing good enough. Once I had the drugs from the c-section out of my system, I was ready to bond with my new, beautiful and amazing baby boy. I had told myself I was going to breastfeed this baby. I am a 35 year old married mother. I knew I could do this. At first Marshall latched on and all seemed to be going well. Then he started crying, seemed frustrated, and so unsatisfied. I kept trying to get him to latch and the nurses told me I was doing great. Then why is my baby crying so much, I wondered.

During the middle of our first night, Marshall cried and cried. My husband was asleep on the couch. I pressed the call button for help. This nurse came in and said, “Oh he has a tongue tie.” Keep in mind; she was the 3rd lactation specialist to come in. We decided to supplement my milk with donated breast milk. At this point, my husband woke up and said he doesn’t think using donor milk is a good idea, expressing concern that our son will get DNA from another woman. I decided my son is going to be fed and he is going to get breast milk. We fed the donor milk and my son seemed satisfied. He slept the next morning Marshall had his tongue tie lanced and we thought, okay; everything is fixed.” We went home a day early because I couldn’t stand being in the hospital any longer.

We went to the doctor and Marshall had lost weight. They encouraged me to nurse him often. I did the best I could. I pumped. I made all the breastfeeding snacks. I fed him. Repeat. We went back for a weight check and he was still losing weight. After a few weeks, we go see an ENT after seeing the lactation specialist. I wonder, what am I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I do this for my little guy?

At the ENT, we see a feeding therapist and then my little guy has another tongue tie surgery. This time we are sent home with exercises to do 4 times a day and I do them.

I feed, I pump, I eat all the lactation cookies and vitamins. We go to another weight check and my little guy has yet again, lost weight. I wondered, why am I failing?

The doctor suggested I supplement with formula. I felt like a failure, but I continued trying. I asked my mother in law to come over to help. I needed to pump while he was eating formula. My guy had a hard time latching onto the bottle while drinking formula. We tried every bottle sold at Target and Buy Buy Baby. We finally found one specific bottle that can only be bought online and he loved it! He was using the formula and at the next weight check, he had gained weight, but my milk is drying up and at this point it is time for me to go back to work.

After making the decision to feed my son formula, he started gaining weight and sleeping. Then he became colicky and we changed the formula. We found what works and he seemed to be thriving.

But mentally, I was not. I felt as though I did nothing I was supposed to as a mom. I did not have a natural birth. I was not the first to hold him. I could not breastfeed my little guy. Postpartum depression took ahold of me and I could not shake it.

One day, I woke up and realized I am good enough. I did my best and as a mother and a good mother what I do is what is best for my child. It was not what I pictured a birth plan should look like, or what a married mom should look like, or what I envisioned for feeding my son.

Today I have all the options. Today I am free to be the best mom and woman. I am the mother of two amazing sons, both with very different childhoods, but with the best mother I can be — with love and compassion and encouragement. What else is a mom? I am the mom I always wanted. . .the mom who unapologetically does what is best for her kids.