A few years ago I wrote Back to Happy, a small book about my journey through grief after the loss of my six year old daughter Meghan. After years of reflection and deep grief work I was ready to share what I had learned. At first I was hesitant to release such a personal story, but after a few years in print  and after hearing from so many people who continue to read and share the book I believe it was the right decision. It has been extremely gratifying.

Grief is our great human commonality. If we have the privilege of living long enough, we will all experience grief and loss at some time in our life. We’re not alone in our grieving, it’s true. But that doesn’t make grief any easier to take. Learning to let go and live without our loved ones can, for some, be the journey of a lifetime. Others seem to sail through grief and even appear to thrive after the trauma of loss. So many factors are at play here. Our age, our health, our background, our support network all determine how we process grief and loss. I believe we can gracefully navigate this difficult passage. That’s why I wrote Back to Happy.

It may seem counterintuitive but I believe that grief can be one of the most spiritually transformative and enlivening experiences of our lives. How can the grieving process be a catalyst for spiritual and emotional growth? It takes conscious work on the part of the bereaved. It takes courage and self compassion. And it takes time.

Grief is different for everyone. We have diverse cultural backgrounds, family histories, and emotional temperaments. All of these factors influence the way we grieve and the time we must put in to regain our sense of normalcy after a loss.

There are several things that can help, however, in a most general sense. I will share them here. I also share them more in-depth in my book.

1. Acceptance of the loss is a vitally important step, really the first step toward healing. Do what you can to adjust to the reality of your loss. This could include talking about the deceased with friends, clergy or counselors, looking at photographs of your loved one, and reminiscing about your life with your loved one can all be helpful to find acceptance.

2. Connection to Spirit is going to be deeply personal for you. Are you currently active in a church, mosque or synagogue? How do you define God? Is there a religion from your childhood that you might want to revisit. Having a spiritual practice and community can be extremely helpful. Do you pray? Why not give it a try? Prayer can be a very powerful way to release the stress of grief and engage with the divine.

3. I devoted a whole chapter of my book to Grace and Gratitude. Grace is the appearance of help that shows up just when we need it. Where have you noticed grace showing up for you in your life? Gratitude is a practice that can help us regain our sense of wonder and work toward joy. What can you be grateful for in this very moment? Try to find small things each day to be grateful for. Journaling can help with cultivating a mindset of gratitude.

4. Time Out is something we all need but often forget to take. Particularly when grieving, time away from daily tasks, even briefly, can help restore balance to body, mind and spirit. Time out can mean locking the door and taking a hot bubble bath or getting away to a spa for a few days. Visit a dear friend or take a day off  to be in nature, perhaps at the beach or mountains. Again, it will be up to you to decide what is restorative for you. Try something new or revisit something you loved to do in your past. 

5. Surrender can be a turning point for you in your grief work. For me surrender was me admitting I couldn’t do grief alone and asking for help. I literally got down on my knees on my living room floor and asked for help. I surrendered and that’s when the “miracles” started to happen. Surrender can be a powerful experience of release or a quiet, beautiful letting go. 

6. Cultivate joy may seem antithetical to grieving and some may even feel guilt when they first begin to allow happiness to seep back into their lives. It was true for me. Joy took me quite by surprise. I had almost forgotten what it felt like. But slowly I began to let it back in to my life. Don’t wait too long. Actively seek out joyful activities. Play music for yourself that you enjoy. Journal about joyful experiences. Pay more attention to joy and you will start to notice more and more showing up.

7. Balance is a popular catch-all term these days. A lot of us seem to be seeking balance in our lives. Grief can throw us way off balance. We are spiritual beings having a human experience as Pierre Tielhard de Chardin put it. We need to take care of our bodies by eating well, moving physically to stay healthy and cultivating a spiritual practice that works for us. We need good quality sleep. We need friends and family, creative expression and meaningful work. All of these things, in balance, help us live good happy, healthy lives. Grief requires us to work a little harder at this. Where are you a little out of balance? Could you use a little more time with friends or family? Could your diet or exercise be improved? Take an honest look at where you could achieve more balance in your life. There is lots of support out there.

8. Which leads me to the next suggestion; Reach Out to others, individuals, support groups, clergy, counselors and trusted friends, for help when you need it. Let go of any old idea that it makes you seem weak. It actually makes you stronger to have a capacity to reach out for assistance. It is the smart thing to do. And it goes both ways. One day you will feel ready to reach out to someone else in need. Research shows that when we reach out and help someone else through a difficult time, we are not only helping them, we are helping ourselves! The act of extending compassion to someone else, elevates production of powerful chemicals in the body like serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine, often called the happiness trifecta.

9. Peace with Death is my final suggestion for dealing with grief. Yes, it’s a biggie! Fear of death is one reason we have so much trouble dealing with the loss of another. We are forced to take a look at our own mortality. What are your beliefs around death? There are some great books and documentaries and podcasts (my own included) about this subject. Perhaps you could explore some of the ideas about death that have been shared through the ages. You will be comforted to know that this has been a human fear for all of recorded history. Once again, you are not alone!

It is my prayer that some or all of these ideas will be helpful for you on your grief journey. Grief surely belongs in the category of easier said than done. None of this is easy but the many gifts that came come out of doing this hard work can be deeply profound and life giving. 

To grieve means we have loved. To have loved is the greatest gift of all.