There is a ton of buzz around the word, “trauma” these days. You hear it used in all areas of media. We have schools teaching teachers about childhood trauma and everyone is trying to figure out the best way to deal with their own trauma. There are a hundred different methods from putting your head in the sand to facing the trauma head on, preferable with a license trauma therapist and not someone who is just using the word to take your money. The fact is, we have all experienced trauma in some capacity. My trauma is different from your trauma. Suzie’s trauma is different from my trauma. My trauma is just as hurtful and full of suffering as the next person. Certainly, we place a type of weight to certain traumas. As a society, having lost a parent before eighteen is considered more traumatic than having lost a parent at sixty-eight, but the trauma is very much real for both individuals and causes both individuals to have changed neurological functions, behaviors and emotional pain. This categorizing trauma as bad, worst and neutral doesn’t do anything to help the individual who is trying to cope with their trauma.

We have all learned how to cope with our trauma, either successfully or unsuccessfully. Trauma has shaped our beings. Manifesting itself into the person reading this article. Some people claim to have “overcome” their trauma as if it disappeared without a trace. Some people have used their trauma to propel them forward into worldly success. Others spend their time trying to sort it out. Many people find themselves wrapped in religious endeavors, trying to combat the trauma with prayers, faith and leaning on their religious leaders.

Personally, I fall someone amongst them all. A few weeks ago, I would have stated that I had a good control of my trauma. That my personal trauma was just a shadow of who I was and then, as I explained to some friends that I was writing this article and I did not want them to be caught off guard, I found that old familiar knot in the back of my throat forming and I was suddenly trying to fight the tears that without prompting started to escape. This all came about after being with a group of women who disclosed to me that they had been molested and/or sexual assaulted. After I explained my own trauma to them, without the knot, without the tears, they asked me how I had “overcome” it. I rumbled with this idea for some time because I am not sure if overcoming it is the correct verbiage to describe where I am with my own trauma. Instead I would say it is more of an acceptance.

My journey through trauma started at a very young age. At the time, I did not understand why the three-year-old me would cry herself to sleep with a weighted heaviness and fear of being unloved. I had no idea why I refused to eat. Even as I grew into a teenager who starved herself, I never associated it to my trauma. But perhaps in some distorted way it was me physically trying to purge myself from the shame, guilt and feelings of being unloved. Unsuccessful as this was, I have also tried to “cure” my trauma by drinking myself into blackness in order to escape the memories but ultimately, the memories would flood. As you can see, I am not very good at “treating” my own trauma. As a young woman, I turned to sex to treat the lack of love I felt for myself and from those who I had decided should love me. I thought if a person wanted me sexually then they must in turn “love me”.

Just to be clear, none of this, “cured”, my trauma. For me, it was learning to accept it. It happened. It forever changed me before I even knew who I could have been. I lived for too long with anger, regret, shame and a distorted self-concept. I have spent most of my life fighting depression, eating disorders and escapism. I have found, for me, that there is no “over coming”, there has only been acceptance and forward movement.

I was able to do this by learning Tonglen  and Loving Kindness meditation practices that awakens your compassion. I use Metta Meditation in my daily practice and through both techniques, I have been able to gain empathy and compassion for the little girl who will never know who she could have been. I have been able to gain, empathy and compassion for the trespasser who trespassed on my innocence. Through loving kindness (Metta) meditation, I learned to give the love and kindness to myself. I embrace the little girl inside me. I embrace the teenage girl wo struggled with shame and loneliness. The girl who thought, “if only someone would love me.” I give loving kindness to myself who would get lost in anger, depression and yearning for life to be “different.” For years I thought I was unlovable. In loving kindness meditation, I was able to learn to give myself the love that I so desired. I was able to give my trespasser the loving kindness that he most certainly needed. This is a difficult subject to embrace. The idea of having empathy, compassion and loving kindness towards one’s trespasser. In time, I have been able to move my trespasser from “difficult person” to “neutral person” in my meditations. This took me sixteen years to do however; in dharma we learn that everyone is human, having a human experience and trying to find happiness, even the trespasser.

Did I have to work on myself outside of meditation? Absolutely. I have been doing this meditation for sixteen years. I have worked on my self-concept in order to go beyond my limiting beliefs. Meditation alone is not going to heal your trauma. It is not a replacement for therapy or medication. For me it was an important piece to moving forward passed the trauma. Meditation reduces the hormone responsible for our fight or flight response to danger. Several studies have suggested that meditation reduces the symptoms of PTSD, which if you have trauma, you are likely to have PTSD.

Meditation allowed me to let it go (to a degree) and let it be. I was able to accept what happened to me. This acceptance comes in waves; some days it is easier than others. I encourage you to find a therapist who specializes in trauma before starting a meditation practice alone. Despite what the credentials they may have, not all therapists are created equal, or equally helpful to you. This is true of meditation teachers as well. Not all meditation teachers know the ins and outs of trauma therapy; not all therapists have direct experience of mindfulness. Therapy that includes meditation, and vice versa, appear to be effective for many people. If you are ready to begin a meditation practice it would be beneficial to find a teacher who understands tonglen and metta meditation before engaging in these practices.