“Could you accept that there’s something above free love? What I offer is loving all women through you and you loving all men through me”, he said, and I finally understood. Like everything else, monogamy is a spiral.

I ran from monogamy, considering it an unconscious choice. Most often it was a partnership built on attachment, fear of loneliness, the need to be fulfilled and validated by someone else. I requested fidelity out of insecurity. “If you are faithful, then I am a good partner.” Infidelity meant I was not enough, I was unworthy of love. Freedom was negotiated and trust was broken, on both sides – through one-night adventures or parallel affairs hidden without art or, not actually sleeping with someone else, but openly flirting, using our sexual energy to get attention, to charm, to feel desired, alive. And these spills subtly hurt the relationship. Trust wasn’t rebuilt. Because being interested in someone else meant “you don’t love me”.

My cup was empty, and I asked him to fill it. I was disconnected from myself, from source, from truth. The more I tried to stuff it up with things, sex, vacations, experiences, the emptier it got. His cup was empty, and he asked me to fill it.

Polyamory was the more conscious choice. Freedom became the base. Love was no longer conditioned by fidelity. Love was no longer exclusive. Loving the divine masculine in his multiple expressions. I stepped into the possibility that maybe it is natural to share heart opening experiences with more than one person, without meaning a lack of love.

I filled my cup through my connection to Self. No longer requesting him to fill my cup for me. Rejoiced in sharing the fullness, mindful of the emptiness, avoiding projecting it on each other.

Wounds were out in the open, exposed and vulnerable. But the container was fragile, several people were involved, the ground was unsafe. And it worked at times and was painful af other times. We hurt each other, playing a role of conscious people. Invested time and energy in processing, expressing needs, boundaries, negotiating and re-negotiating terms, looking at triggers and reasons behind, facing jealousy, anger, fear, insecurity, attachment. And the relationship became an emotional roller coaster which helped me evolve and deepened the wounds. Real intimacy was often bypassed, trust was often broken.

And one day I asked myself ‘is this a treatment or a torture’?

At this point, couples might decide to close the relationship based on fear of losing each other, tired of the effort it takes to stay open. And the circle can go back to the first stage or it can go up in a spiral.

The next choice for me was to embrace monogamy from the heart. Both realities are held in a higher perspective. Fidelity is no longer requested but offered and received. Freedom is no longer requested but offered and received. At this level, the woman is the divine feminine and the man is the divine masculine. I love all men in you, through you. You love all women in me, through me.  Because I experience you for who you are. Transfiguration is no longer a practice of holding hands, eyes gazing and seeing beyond, embracing the higher reality. Transfiguration is the way we live, breathe, walk – not an effort, not an intention, but a natural continuous state. All parts of my being bow down in recognition of the perfection of your essence, of the beauty of your soul.

The lover became the beloved. The beloved is the Beloved.

Love is devotion.

So then, the question of fidelity exists no longer. Monogamy is not a conscious effort, but a consequence of the truth experienced together constantly.

What else can I need when I have the whole world in you? What else can I crave when you fill me beyond me? How could I need to love the whole world, when I am love?

‘I am love’ means I already love every single being. Love exists as I exist. In this limited reality, in this time-frame, this incarnation, I choose to manifest love with you. We walk this path holding hands. And the choice is not a mental one, not because you are dark and handsome, kind and spiritual, not because you give me endless orgasms or want children. Rather than a choice, it is a knowing of the soul. A deeply felt truth that cannot be debated. I know it as I know I breathe.

I choose you. You choose me. That simple. That full.

Our sexual energy, creative force, life force is no longer dissipated, but focused and amplified. And that brings power. At this level, monogamy brings strength and power. Real intimacy is built from sharing the depths of ourselves and our-Selves, both human limitations and infinite essence, both shadow and light. Wounds are exposed and embraced in a safe container where I know you are here to stay, and I am here to stay. Seen and embraced in understanding and acceptance, wounds can heal. The ground is stable and built on trust. Truth brings mutual respect and Self-respect. Stability brings confidence and self-confidence.

Now I am finally enough. Because now, it is not about the limited me anymore.

Self loves Self through two humans who allow love to penetrate their chests and be dissolved. And in our most natural union, truth flows and blossoms with joy, fulfillment, peace, compassion, bliss. At this level, making love can happen thru a look, thru a word, thru a gesture, a breath. Love making is no longer a game of pleasure, of meat rubbing meat or energy flow. It is way beyond and more subtle.

Love making is a union in truth. Recognition, remembering, resting in each other as one. Being love rather than making love.

Our cups are both full and empty simultaneously. We are both realities, the fullness and the emptiness. Meeting in love fills both cups. I can fill your cup and you can fill my cup and we do it with joy and ease, because we know that’s why we’re here. We exist to love and be love.

May all beings be love.