The yoga hug. Dazed eyes, open arms, body odor and patchouli float with open arms in your direction! [Ahh, f#$k, a close talking hugger!] Before you know it there is no escape and you are cradled like a wounded baby deer under the armpit of Guru Lotus Blossom.

The long gaze into the eyes like a compassionate escaped mental patient come looming towards you for the 10 minute embrace. [For God sakes, I get it, you’re really yogic and spiritual now release me from your Kundalini rising!]

Now, I am all about some Kirtan and Satsung! (For you non-yoga peeps that is chanting and spiritual community) The good vibrations are high and there is a union amongst a large group of people who want to live positive lives! Much like someone might get from singing Hymns in church. The vibration of sanskrit leaves you feeling an incredible high which is pretty damn cool. It can be a magical experience! Theeeeen there is this line of phoney that often gets crossed. When people greet you with a breathy, “namaste” and bowing their heads to the hands with this odd cult like twinkle in their eye. It can be a bit overwhelming and deciphering what is real and an act can be daunting. There are some beautiful moments and traditions in which I am truly lucky to have experienced and then there are the hilarious awkward moments. In my opinion you have to have a sense of humor and a bit of cynicism to keep yourself grounded. It doesn’t make you less yogic or less peaceful of a human, just more real…

I sat down in a class without any of my “yoga peeps” except for one of my teachers who grinned at me from across the room as if she knew I was in for it. I had not taken this particular class before and I was interested to learn something new. Upon beginning it was a more in depth start to class which I am accustomed to and enjoy. Then it happens, she has us raise our arms above our heads and asks us to start robotically swirling our arms in large circles. [Ok, this is different, and weird…..2 minutes in….what the f%#k are we doing!? This sucks….](I know it was totally bringing my calm zen vibes to the surface)…She begins to strike the gong.[ Nice! I love the gong!] She then proceeds to chant loudly, abruptly and monotoned voice, “GOD!GOD!GOD!GOD!GOD!” Over and over again and nods for us to join in! [ Dude, what? I am not yelling God over and over!] I look around slowly and I begin to awkwardly as if I were joining a slow clap begin to chant. I felt like I had been drugged and just woke up in Jim Jones’s compound! So here I am swirling my arms in the air to the beat of a gong, yelling God over and over again waiting for the Kool-Aid cups to get passed around!!! [holy shit! no really, HOLY shit! What the hell are we doing? Is Jesus going to manifest and lower from the ceiling in a cloud of butterflies and rainbows (because that would be sweeeet) or is this bitch going to pull a shot gun out from under her white cloak!!?]

I seriously contemplated walking out but I was sort of afraid I might get struck by lightening. Finally we stop. Good thing because my arms were about to fall off. My teacher looks back at me and smiles with a giggle! She knew what I was thinking! I just cut my eyes at her and laughed silently. The class ended and honestly I have no recollection of anything else from that class. We were quite possibly sent on a murderous mission in which we were meant to never remember. I’m not quite sure. Watched the news, wasn’t on it.