Upheaval in Life?

Nobody really talks about it much until now that is, but…….

There seems to be so much upheaval in our lives at the moment, what with me studying, training for my half marathon in Amsterdam in October, coaching people on a Monday and Tuesday and then there´s work, my real job which pays the bills and feeds us and my partner is always in the office and never away from the computer it seems!

In fact, I feel a little overwhelmed and down today, but that might just be the bad weather we´re having at the moment. Of course, it could be the planetary movement at present, lots of retrogrades, I think all of us are feeling the pressure of those retrogrades trying to get us all to shape up and put our house in order!

Talking about house, it´s really not a great feeling when you´re made homeless because the landlord needs your place for one of his sons because he and the love of his life want to start a family, I mean, I know they need to have somewhere to live but why where they  grew up! We were told 10 years ago when we asked that very question, and were told that this was not going to happen because neither of them wanted to inherit the farm.

This happened to us a few weeks ago. The first thing we experienced is shock and disbelief and then the finality of it sank in and then we started to see the positive sides of living where we are. Sorry, were living.

Oh, it had/has leaky taps, damp, even mould where there was a leak from the roof which the landlord couldn´t be bothered to repair and we ended up doing. It was a weird set-up actually because it was a square hole in the ceiling which went upstairs into an old granary and it hadn’t been blocked up, just a piece of plastic plexi-glass sat there, suspended and above the roof which isn’t looked after at all.

It didn’t keep the insects or spiders out, that much I know because I was the one who had the odd grasshopper jump at me unsuspectingly whilst sitting on the edge of the bed chatting to a coaching client on a Zoom session and had me stomp on it, thinking it was a deadly tarantula or something. Only to feel after having squashed the poor innocent to death, as guilty as hell at taking a life unprovoked. Well, maybe being jumped on unsuspectingly is provocation! Apart from that, it interrupted my meeting, I mean, come on, it wasn’t exactly invited to it with a gild edged invitation card. My client didn’t bat an eyelid. I must have trained her well. ? Me, I was trying to discreetly dispose of the corpse hoping she didn’t realise what I was doing.

The thing is the farmer is partly lazy and couldn´t be bothered, he´s a German organic dairy farmer – yes, I´m a Brit living in Germany. With the price of milk in the “keller” – cellar as they say here, he has to subsidise the money he earns from milk by working at a slaughter house on Wednesdays, so not a full-time farmer like all the others!

Back to the granary story. The rainwater always used to leak through the ceiling, and it had started to leave revolting black mould which is not healthy for anyone and one of the reasons we wanted to leave anyway but didn’t because there is the most fantastic view across the fields where there are old willow trees, they are beautiful. Not only that, but it´s a conservation area and the geese and ducks fly south in winter and often stop for weeks to recover.

This particular evening, we had a rainstorm, it was 10pm and I ended up putting a bucket and two bowls under what had become a stream of water cascading down. I was fuming by then, so I stuck my wellies on, got the umbrella out and stomped through the puddles and cow dung, down to Mr. Farmer´s plush, large, self-built house, which also happens to be heated and it doesn’t escape anywhere it shouldn’t. Actually, that’s debatable, he definitely did NOT build his new house himself, he wouldn’t know where to start and I wouldn’t trust him to build anything, I´ve watched him put up fencing. Not a pretty sight!

I got down there, told him the problem, he sticks his head slightly out of the door, a bit like a tortoise emerging from hibernation, and says in German, “Er, well I can´t do anything tonight, I haven’t got anyone to help me and I can´t see, you´ll have to wait until tomorrow!” Aargh! That´s when I wanted to hit the man over the head with my now rain-soaked brolly. Can´t see? Can´t see! Does he come from the Middle Ages too? Hasn’t he heard of flaming torches or ones with batteries?!

Anyway, back to “the house,” there is a broken roller shutter too, which is rotten and needed replacing and worst of all, the heating didn’t function properly and as for the insulation, don’t get me started on that! It was freezing all the time, both winter and spring, although the advantage of it in summer was pretty obvious. Lovely and cool inside and bearable and we´re talking getting into the late 30°´s. Open the front door and it would be like getting blasted from a foundry furnace!

Because it was so cold, we had to have both a winter duvet and a summer one plus several wool blankets on top of the bed and when we went to bed, we always took a hot water bottle and made sure the electric blanket was on too. All this and in our modern world! Not only that, but we had to wear so many clothing layers just to keep ourselves even partially warm so that we didn’t die of hypothermia, that we made the Michelin Man look positively thin!

I say “had” because once that decision was made, I also stopped to “live” in it in my head and at this point in time, I merely reside here until I move because it is no longer my or our home, nor is it secure any more. Right at the beginning we were really keen to put our stamp on it and make it “ours” until we found out about all these disadvantages.

If you´re lucky enough to buy somewhere, it feels great to own your own place. You can finally put roots down and life starts to feel secure. You have a foundation where you can grow from, where you can have a family and pets. That´s how I felt about 30 years ago when I got a mortgage to buy my own place as a single mother of one.

Except, I didn’t feel secure then because I was too busy working 3 jobs and making sure my daughter was looked after “somehow” whilst I went to work to pay for that mortgage and our “little home.” I just felt exhausted most of the time whilst existing on 3 hours sleep every morning from 9am to 12 midday. I think we all go through phases of uncertainty like this.

It´s so unsettling watching pieces of furniture disappear out of the front door to be stored in the pottery barn we rent. We´re self-employed and have the luxury of some storage space upstairs, thank goodness. Books having to be packed, not knowing how long it is going to take before I see them again. Choosing which ones need to stay here in my office cum bedroom so I can still research and do my coaching. Wondering how long it´s going to take before we find a new place to live. Wondering if life will be secure again, if it ever was. ??