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Change. It is the scariest thing for so many of us. I look back three years and while I’m not sure it’s very apparent on the outside, sometimes I barely recognize the detached, scared, insecure person I was on the inside who was always trying to be in control and terrified of making mistakes.

It’s funny, at that time people often told me how I had the perfect life they wanted, even as I felt stuck and frustrated and like I was drowning. Everyone thought I was always so happy and confident. It was hearing that, yet again, on a day when I felt particularly low, that was truly eye opening. I almost burst into tears on the spot. It is amazing how good we become at hiding our pain – like a wounded animal, pain seems to be a weakness we don’t like to admit to. There is also denial. Why is it always hardest to admit to yourself that things aren’t working? That this path you set out on years ago feels inauthentic and forced and that maybe you want completely different things in life that don’t align with what society tells us is desirable? Looking back at the happy pics I took and posted at that time, sometimes moments after I had been crying in the bathroom, I see how hard I was trying to convince myself that things were great. I almost started to believe that I really was living the dream like everyone around me said and that I must be crazy to be unhappy.

Sometimes we try so hard to be lovable to those around us, that we completely lose ourselves in the process. The thing is, no matter how hard we try, we will never be good enough for some people. This is true in personal and business relationships. For some reason though, we sometimes want to chase those people most. We want to seek their approval and convince them that we’re worthy, even though we never will be in their eyes. I guess either you stay stuck and insecure or you get fed up. In my case, I honestly couldn’t make up my mind, mostly because I was terrified that I would never make it on my own, especially with a horse in my care that couldn’t be rehomed. I was so used to having my feelings dismissed, each of my faults pointed out as well as not being trusted to make even the smallest decision like picking out a different salsa at the grocery store or a movie to watch, that I honestly started to believe that I couldn’t do anything on my own. I felt trapped and became frustrated and turned into a selfish asshole. That is not the way I would recommend making big changes, but I think my subconscious won out over reason and made my decision for me.

That one big change was the catalyst for so many changes. I suddenly didn’t know what I wanted. In the last two years I have felt like I’ve been stumbling around, sometimes aimlessly, but it turns out you have to start trying things and living to see what you actually like.

We have this vision of a perfect life. It’s what experiences and society and past partners make us believe is true. It’s not until we have what on paper looks to be the ‘perfect life’ and are still unfulfilled that we sometimes start exploring other options.

Here is the thing about making terrifying changes, the more of them we make, the less scary they become. I had to try things to find out what I liked and what I didn’t. I had to accept that I would make mistakes… I had to see that my perfectionism and fear of failure prevented me from trying anything for a very long time. Why try if your efforts are never good enough, right?

I moved to the country, lived on a beautiful horse property so I could be near my horse and spent the summer taking weekly lessons and really trying to make our partnership happen at a time when I could finally focus on it properly. My horse still didn’t like dressage and I hated country life, so that was an epic fail.

There is a much longer list of things that have made me unexpectedly happy though. That’s the thing, we often don’t know what will make us happy until we try it. The things that terrified me most are also some of the things that have been exactly what I wanted most deep down. I tried to fight against them more than I would like to admit and somehow managed not to push away those who mattered most in the process.

I learned that I love living on my own. I thought I would hate it, but for the first time ever, my home is my happy place. I found out that I love living downtown in a busy city. I never would have expected this, it turns out I want to be alone on my own terms, but be close to people, beautiful scenery and all the fun things. I know, I have high expectations… all of us should have high expectations once we figure out what it is we like. I learned how much I love walking! After 15 years of driving a lot, I appreciate the opportunity to get out of my car so much. I learned how much happier it makes me to simplify my life – be within walking distance to almost every errand I need to run, live in a studio with fewer things and less clutter, live in a condo building where my strata fee is the only contribution I make to clearing the sidewalk or yard work. I learned how much I missed dance and how much I enjoy connecting with people. I really didn’t trust people much after many of the experiences I had and Brazilian Zouk (a partner dance) was something that taught me many important life lessons, including trusting others and myself. At this very moment I am scaling back my business to set out on a new part time venture and I am not sure how that looks yet. I have really enjoyed planning less, letting things flow and embracing the uncertain, as the most amazing things have come from that in the last few years.

I learned that I was dressing how I wanted to be seen, the old me. Unfortunately, dressing in a way that you hope makes people respect you and take you seriously, doesn’t really work. Those who don’t respect you, won’t value you no matter how presentable and grown up you look. I have had fun playing with my style and love wearing cute outfits with adorable flats (forget heels for downtown living) more than I could have ever imagined. I played around with my hair … and it turns out I love bangs! Who would have thought?! I will be 37 in just over a month and I plan on rocking crop tops this summer. Life is short and I am finally comfortable enough in my own skin to wear what I want. Speaking of skin, I embraced my birthmarks. I used to tolerate them, but only ever let them show when wearing a bathing suit. Instead of covering them all the time, I decided to decorate them with an amazing tattoo by a fabulously talented tattoo artist who free handed it all… another lesson in trust. I debated something tough and badass, but settled on pretty and I love it so much. I realized that I like feeling pretty and feminine instead of looking cold and unapproachable all the time.

As I became more selfish and happy, something interesting happened. Suddenly it became more important to me to look out for others. I was always this way to a degree, but now it’s really important to me to be environmentally concious and to support local, ethical businesses. I am minimizing how much I drive, getting rid of my car and moving to using a car sharing service in the next month. Although, I am not vegan or even vegetarian, I have drastically reduced the amount of animal protein I consume (after being on a very high protein diet for years). I have become more patient – with the child screaming two rows behind me on a long flight, with the cashier who is fumbling and obviously stressed, even with the driver who honked at me for doing nothing wrong. His day is obviously worse than mine. I have started feeling so much more compassion towards people. I have become much more outspoken about my support for friends, colleagues, clients, businesses and organizations I love. I also feel much more compassion towards strangers. Living in the suburbs, surrounded by multimillion dollar properties, it is easier to forget just how many people nearby are really struggling. We get focused on our first world problems even as so many people right here can’t afford a roof over their head. I didn’t used to see that as my problem, but now I feel like a prosperous society should take pride in looking after those who need it most. I have donated some money and volunteered some time to helping the homeless in addition to donations for animals (which I have always done). Perhaps being scared to make it on my own a couple of years ago, makes me realize just how easily someone could end up in those kinds of circumstances.

I have learned to be so much more grateful for the little things. For a healthy body, for this beautiful place we get to call home, for the amazing people and horses in my life, for quality time with loved ones. I have maybe watched 20 hours of TV in the last two years as I have valued connection with people more and more. Quality over quantity. Being truly present and absorbed in conversations. Talking about ideas and, gasp, sometimes even feelings. Not just being on the phone and sitting in the same space with people.

I have learned about myself. The childhood traumas and relationship patterns (because when we’re hurting, we pick partners who reinforce all our biggest insecurities) that kept me feeling scared and powerless. The way I stayed detached, so I wouldn’t get hurt. How I joked around and used sarcasm in moments I was hurting most. I learned that under the confident, happy looking facade was a scared little girl who was terrified of being alone and never felt good enough. In the last two years I have cried more than in my entire lifetime before. I had no idea how strong you have to be to show vulnerability or how good it feels after you have let go of the hurt. As I have realized how much of my past behaviour was driven by fear, I have started to see just how fear driven our society is. At our core, we are all the same. Unless we do something about it, as we get older, we become more and more fearful and, I swear, we often become the things we fear most. The only way out is to start conquering those fears. The current fear I am finally overcoming is admitting that I have fears. It was much easier pretending that I don’t have human emotions. For years, even when I have admitted to them, they got dismissed by so many people in my past because I was always the one in control that way. That constant, dull ache was much easier to take than dealing with things full on was initially.

We stay stuck, even if it is soul sucking, because of fear, because change is so scary. Change is inevitable though, the illusion of control is just that, an illusion. The more we try to control things, the more stress we are under and the more miserable we are when the illusion is shattered. The most valuable thing I have learned is that all the biggest fears I have conquered in the last two years, have been exactly the life lessons I needed to learn. They have led to the most growth and fulfillment and freedom. Life is beautiful on the other side of fear.