I got some disappointing news at work today.

While in the big picture, it’s not the end of the world, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d been punched in the gut for the rest of the day. When the meeting ends with something along the lines of “well if you want to move on, I wish you the best” I can’t say I feel much of a sense of value from the decision makers at my company. I used to feel like I made a difference to the people that I served, but now that feeling is harder to find.

It’s then when the mindfulness started to kick in.

I’ve recently finished my yoga teacher training and it was honestly one of the hardest experiences I’ve been through. Not so much for the yoga part but for the ripple effect it had throughout my life. During the first half I felt so much resentment over my choice and the effects it was having on my family I didn’t know what else to do except be grateful. Be grateful to have a family that supports me enough to add a 200 hour program to an already full schedule. Grateful to have the mental and physical strength to push through and keep going. Grateful to have a community that says, “Come as you are.” I lived in this gratitude through to the end of the program at which point it all came out during the final savasana (resting pose) as a fit of tears and laughter and holding the hand of my fellow trainee.

It was this gratitude that I found myself coming back to after my disappointing meeting at work today. I was proud of myself for stepping up and advocating even though the answer did not come back in my favor. I was thankful that my inner circle supported me through the process. I even found positives in my work that are still going to be there tomorrow and the day after.

However, even though I am grateful for my life, I still got shaken today down to my core and my sense of worthiness. I couldn’t help but think what had I done to create this situation? Was I so delusional in my sense of value to others that I really didn’t see I hadn’t been doing that good of a job? I started asking around the folks that I work with and received positive feedback about how I am supportive and caring and get things done, but it’s amazing how it doesn’t matter what people say sometimes. When you’re shaken all you can do is know that this will pass and you’ll wake up tomorrow hopefully feeling more like yourself.

The trouble with that, of course, is it assumes you will get to sleep. I lay awake in bed trying to turn my brain off, failing. I think about all a number of things and keep circling back to earlier today. I try to meditate. I try again. And again. I think of the body scan, one of my favorite techniques for focusing and calming the mind. I can’t even get past the top of my head before my thoughts veer off.

That’s when I start to think that this is the most important yoga, the yoga that takes place off the mat. It’s when the rubber hits the road that you really start to see what all this mindfulness is really about.

I’ve got a long ways to go, and hopefully next time I’ll make it past my head. But as they say, it’s all about the practice.