When your daughter turns 12 all of a sudden you enter the twilight zone. All of these feelings of being a tween ( who the hell made up that stupid phrase) come rushing back. “My parent’s don’t understand me and they have clearly never in their life experienced a crisis like middle school or math!” It’s like an out of body experience calming my daughter down from her “ugly cry” breakdown. “Everything I say is wrong and you will never understand.”

Finally after trying to give her logical advice and getting eyes rolled at me I decided to get real with her. “Alright, look, math sucks and I hated it too but you still have to do it so I am here to tell you to suck it up!” You know, all the parental handbook jargon.

Then there is the real life stuff. The real things we don’t get taught to deal with in healthy ways in school. This, this is my department! So I went for the big reveal and the big guns and told her… “You know, babe, I suffer from depression.” I still feel odd and due to stigmas, ashamed when I say it out loud. Though, I have found that after I lay it on the table people are very receptive. I have actually had people share some relief as they suffer too or know someone who does so it has opened up some real discussions. Plus, I am always learning new things. I digress…

I then told her, “I completely understand what you are feeling right now. ” All of a sudden she shut up, made real eye contact with me and said, “I’m sorry, mom. I didn’t know that.”

I then said, ” I am ok, but I have had times when I have not felt ok. I have felt despair. When I really wanted to feel good but the hole I was in felt deeper and deeper no matter how hard I tried to dig myself out. After having breakdowns much like you’re having right now for years I had to learn ways to cope. Drawing in a journal just for me and writing things I hated, things I loved, wanted and so on… I had to decide how I wanted to feel and reach for that feeling. Some days you will feel like it’s easy and other days it will be difficult, but it’s important you find something that makes you feel alive and that even when you think it’s the end of the world, it’s not. You will be able to handle it by taking one step at a time. One breath, one minute, hour or day. Until one day you embrace the struggles and use them to help you to realize all of the special and beautiful things in life. How the struggles shape us and help us to find grace.”

She relaxed as though I had given her a gift. She was not alone and mom was not perfect or expecting perfection from her. She spent the rest of the evening with her baby brother and myself and I saw a lightness wash over her. She will have my support when it comes to breaking down the hard stuff and working with emotions.

We should never feel ashamed of the things that make us who we are even if they seem unacceptable to society because of stigma and ignorance. Honestly, realizing my “weaknesses” have made me stronger, more open and more empathetic. I am awake. I know what it’s like to struggle and overcome. We all do. We have all had to overcome. I think we forget that we all have had to embrace parts of ourselves that are not “perfect. ” We are given certain gifts and while struggles may seem horrible in the end when the smoke clears they enhance who we are and what we have to offer the world. We are able to give of ourselves in new ways and uncover passions, pursuits and service by following our own path.