Why do we foster instant connections with some people and not others?

Why, upon first meeting a person and feeling similar, are we inspired to share information about ourselves? Why do we believe—with just a “hunch” that another person will understand us—even though we hardly know them?

When we speak about connection, we often think of cerebral stuff. We’ve got neurolinguistic programming and brain science explaining how the chemicals work. Those connections that occur because people are like-minded or tend to respond emotionally in the same way. Connecting the dots of time, place, and intention.

The primary law of attraction is what’s shared. It’s about shared experiences, shared focus on similarities (and differences), and shared intentions (hopefully positive). And what matters most where love is concerned is that two individuals meet in the same place. It’s not the kind of attraction that matters; it’s the connection of two people that are in synchronicity with whatever they enjoy or love most. What gets you fired up—be it foot rubs or Foucault—is something that is shared.

How do we know if we are firing on all circuits and connecting on many levels? How can we develop the key intimacy a relationship needs to survive and thrive? Take the time to ask questions. There are never enough things to ask or consider when it comes to being partnered with another person. There are so many considerations.

Use this list of questions as a guideline for you and your current/future love interest. Consider all the elements of love when you answer them, including physical, mental, and spiritual.

Ask yourself some big, real-life questions. Perhaps you can pen your answers in a notebook or just use these as jumping-off points for relationship discussion:

1. How do I connect with this person’s think tank—i.e. have a true meeting of the minds?

2. Do I really understand that person and does he/she really understand me?

3. How do I connect with this person on an emotional level? How do we connect at the psychological level?

4. Can I confide my deepest feelings to him/her? Does the recipient show respect for my deep feelings?

5. Do I feel safe when I let my emotions loose on this person? Is that person emotionally stable? How does that person regulate his/her emotions?

6. Do we “get” each other’s idiosyncrasies or “issues”?

7. What are my unique personality characteristics? What are his/hers? Can we live with our differences?

8. How is the person’s sense of humor?

9. How do we connect where spirituality is concerned? Do we share the same values?

10. Do any of our attitudes pose a challenge to liking and respecting one another? Am I accepting of this person—warts and all?

11. How do we communicate—and forge a strong connection? Do we yell or can we have a civilized discussion—even about hot topics?

12. Are we comfortable with the things each of us likes or prefers? How do we share our time and our things? Do we have enough regard for our different interests that we can afford each other private space? Are our most ingrained habits compatible and endurable or are they so distasteful and irritating that they constantly grate on us.

13. How deeply and meaningfully do we connect in the bedroom? How compatible are our sexual preferences and sex drives? Do we each want the same amount of cuddling, holding, and kissing?

14. How do we feel about honesty? Are we on the same wavelength?

15. How much do we share in terms of values and vision for the future?

16. Do we have similar ideas about things? Do we think about the world in similar ways? Are we intellectual equals?

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For more tips on how you can create meaningful connections personally and professionally, you can grab a free chapter from my book The Connection Challenge here.