Albert Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

All these years later and we still haven’t learned this lesson. We spend most of our lives doing the same things. Somewhere along the way we’ve been led to believe that we can ‘achieve’ happiness. That being disciplined and working really, really hard, and persevering and struggling makes us better people and that it means we will deserve to be happy. We’re not supposed to relax, because then we might have the time to reflect on how miserable we are. We push our bodies to exhaustion, disease and injury and power through and learn to ignore listening to the signals that tell us that we need a break. We feel ashamed to rest because we’re taught that it’s a waste of time, when it’s needed to recharge, focus, learn, become productive or inspired. We listen to experts who tell us to keep struggling through workouts we dread, eating food we hate, trying to fix expired relationships, getting motivated to work harder at soul sucking jobs, pursuing hobbies that make us feel inadequate, all because we believe that it’s good for us and that life is supposed to be so much work. Somehow we think that if we keep on course and don’t deviate from our goals it will lead to happiness. It’s especially true if people told us it couldn’t be done. Our egos love to tell us that we will make it happen. That others just weren’t smart enough or persistent enough, but that we will do it better and prove them wrong. It’s what motivates us to keep pushing when our body is screaming at us to stop and when the universe seems to keep conspiring against us.

If we just push a little harder though, we’ll be happy. We start looking for things to make us happy. Expensive clothes that portray a certain image, a newly leased car every year (oh, but it’s ok, it’s electric, so clearly it’s good for the environment), a big house, an extravagant vacation.

Here we are, in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, yet addiction, mental illness and homelessness are all on the rise. Sure, it is expensive to live here and that doesn’t help and the planet is on fire and greedy assholes keep getting more rich, but there are people all over the world in much more dire conditions who are far happier than we are. It is absolutely possible to live, even downtown, and pay very reasonable rent. It may not be a huge house and one may need a roommate or two, but for most people, it is absolutely doable. Some of the happiest people I know do just this.

The reason we are so miserable is because we have forgotten the importance of community and connection and our environment. We move to a big house in the suburbs, then commute two hours to and from work and wonder why we are so miserable… clearly a fancier car to commute in will make all the difference. We try harder and harder to control things in our power because we feel out of control instead of admitting that we actually have no control over most things that happen to us. At any moment any one of many terrible things could happen to us or those we love and we cannot do anything about it.

Happiness is a mindset. It is being grateful for the things we have. The delicious coffee we drink every morning, every bite of food we ingest, the mountains we see every day, the friends we spend time with, the sunshine and even the rain. At first you have to remind yourself to do this, but soon enough it becomes as natural as breathing.

Happiness is an eagerness to learn and acknowledging that every person we encounter and everything we do is an opportunity for growth if we are open to it. School is important, but it mostly just teaches us how to take tests. Most of us don’t remember the majority of the things we learned in school. I would be lying if I said I knew all the origin and insertion points of every single muscle to this day. What is valuable is talking to people with different points of view, backgrounds and perspectives to gain a better understanding of the world around us. We should seek out those who challenge our point of view, not those who agree with everything we say. The best teachers I know, are those who learn from their students all the time, not the ones who blindly follow what they have learned from experts. Sometimes it is acknowledging that we are wrong and make mistakes and that what we thought was true or would make us happy isn’t working and not giving a fuck what others will think if we stop pursuing those goals. It is appreciating every failure for the lessons it teaches us and admitting that some things are just lessons instead of hitting our head against a wall.

Happiness is a sense of play and adventure. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or on the other side of the world. There are so many things right in our neighborhoods that most of us haven’t explored. Parks, galleries, new activities, restaurants, cafes. Every time we try something new and unfamiliar we get more comfortable with the unknown and uncertainty, which is so important if we ever want to make any real changes.

Happiness is spending time with those who love us… not just those we love or those who blindly adore us. There is a big difference. It’s people who are family, whether by blood or by choice. Those who support, encourage, inspire, bring joy, share pain and are honest with us and who we are honest and authentic with. Those who do things for us without being asked and who are made happier by our presence. No gifts or special occasions required, it’s time together is a special occasion. It’s finding a community we can trust so that we can hear the uncomfortable truths instead of assuming that we always know best. Sometimes a little distance is needed for a clear perspective and it is amazing to see that the advice people give us is just because they want to help us, not to criticize us. Realizing that we are all trying to help each other, not prove anyone wrong or compete.

Happiness is enjoying rest and relaxation and stillness and silence. Taking time to reflect and focus and process feelings and heal and make decisions. It can be painful and scary at first. It means we need to do more of it. It’s figuring out that these moments are as essential as everything else.

Happiness is moving our bodies in ways that feel good. Preferably ways that connect us to nature and others. It is a heck of a lot cheaper than a personal trainer too. The group partner dance classes I started with last year were very reasonably priced.

Happiness is doing more and more of the things that feel good, that we want to do with those who recharge us and less and less of the things we feel obligated to do with those who drain us.

Happiness is relaxing, going with the flow and trusting that things will work out if we take a moment and stop trying to force them so damn hard.