When we fall in love with a person we don’t just fall in love with them, we fall in love with how they make us feel. We fall in love with the way our energy connects with the other person’s energy and what transpires in the overlap. We fall in love with the opportunity to be in love. The occasion. The sense of purpose and meaning relationships bring to our lives.

So when we go through a break up we tend to experience it not just as the loss of a particular person but as the loss of all the feelings we associate with that person. It’s the loss of the platform for our passion. For all the expressions of love and understanding. In our reeling, hurting minds, the other person held the power to make us feel those deep, juicy, joyful feelings we once felt and without that person we are now denied access to the abundance of these feelings.

Break ups don’t just bring pain to our lives. They bring scarcity.

There is real power in understanding, with precision, what it is we’re mourning when we’re mourning. To make it strictly about the other person is to give that power away. During a break up we want to regard ourselves ultra tenderly and consciously build back our inner reserve of love which can feel like a well run dry in the face of heartache. Keep the focus on the feelings, not the person. What are the specific feelings you’re mourning? Feelings are fluid. We can work with and influence our own feelings limitlessly. The same is not true about our ex. As the saying goes: you can’t control the other person but you can control how you regard the other person.

Once you’ve identified the feelings you’re mourning see if you can bring a spirit of curiosity (which is extremely abundant in its very essence) to them. How might you experience the feeling of passion in ways that have nothing to do with your ex? Going for a jog, to a concert, a museum, a night out with friends or a hike in nature? What are some things you could do to stir your own soul and get your passion (which is your life force) flowing again? Louise Hay’s advice to “take yourself as your lover” is so meaningful here.

How might you experience feeling beautiful and meaningful? Is there a place you could volunteer your time to help another creature and connect with them? Could you schedule a deep tissue massage for the benefit of touch and the profoundness of moving energy?

What about feeling inspired? What could you do to conjure inspiration in the face of heartbreak? This could be a great time to devote yourself to learning something new or shaking up your normal routine. What about taking an art, language or music class? What about moving furniture around in your bedroom? Investing in new sheets? Hanging a different picture by your bed? This way you are calling in newness and creating fresh associations in the sacred areas of your life. This is not only a beautiful way to lovingly support yourself while going through the difficulty of a break up but it’s also a way to meet the scarcity of loss with the abundance of expansive newness.

See if you can get creative. Keep bringing the focus back to feelings and asking: how can I align my life to feel the feelings I long to feel? (Rather than “how can I get my ex back!?!”) And remember, by its very nature, loss creates new space in us to receive.